OH!…..

Got it Anita…:)

Anita,

So great to hear from you!

Thank you for the great advice.  After getting your message, I instantly felt better and more relaxed.  I thought I might have been slipping into my old darkness.  😉 . Yes, one moment at a time and stop thinking so deeply.  It’s helped me already since your message!  I’m doing a rigorous work out in the morning (just started two weeks ago) and it’s really helped!

I’m so happy that you really like my business plan.  I’m working with this PR gal (she’s not charging me since I did her house and we are college friends), and I’m really excited about launching.  We should be launching in the next three weeks.  She has come up with a great story and will be pitching it to some editors of magazines that she knows, (fingers crossed).   Things seem to be going well and I feel it’s a matter of learning how to use coping mechanism when things get rough.  At least that’s what I’m thinking.

I appreciate all your advice more than you know!

Keep you posted!!

God you are good Anita.

I will do my best to practice your suggestions. You’re right, it does need to be a win-win and not me giving too much.

Thank you for all support and advice. And…I also appreciate that you have me look at my short comings/things to work on…:)))

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your advice about my dating situation. I took your advice to heart. I went camping this weekend with her and we had a very nice time.
I just couldn’t shake the fact that I wanted her to be more compassionate about what I would tell her that was very personal to me.
We were having breakfast and she was asking questions about my ex and I felt that she was looking for signs or patterns that she was experiencing with me. I can understand her vetting me, but I felt I was being judged. I had to really look at the situation and see if I was being defensive or that was really how I felt. It kept coming up for me, so I am pretty sure it was her tone/delivery that didn’t feel good.
I kept telling her that her tone/delivery didn’t make me feel good. She never took responsibility for how it made me feel. Such as, “I’m really sorry that it doesn’t make you feel good, I’ll work on it”. In the end, I just think that is how she is and it’s nobody’s fault.
I brought up to her that I am not perfect and that I’m working on things as we speak, ie: not being redundant (harping) in saying things to her. I think the reason I do that is that I’m not feeling heard.
I never felt a sense of relatedness when I opened up. She would take in what I said and wouldn’t say anything afterwards. I’ve explained to her in the past that I would at least like some form of acknowledgement if she can’t give me any compassion. I also explained how it made me feel when she didn’t give me any acknowledgement.
In the end, I realized how important is me to be with someone who is very compassionate towards me and in general. I explained to her that my love language is “Words of Affirmation” and that I like to be complimented, etc. She thought that “action speaks louder then words” and I said “maybe for you, but not for me”. I’ve been talking to her about the 5 love languages and she draws a blank when I talk to her about it. It was almost like she didn’t believe me. I explained that to her, action speaks louder, so I’ve been doing so much at her house, (fixing things, getting her things she needs for her house, decorating it so her kids feel comfortable there), but she never asks me what I want. She just gets defensive when I tell her that I need words of affirmation. Yesterday I explained that I go out of my way to give her wants she wants but I don’t feel the same in return. I guess that I am bummed that she didn’t go out of her way to learn about the 5 love languages and what I need, (since I’ve said it about 10 times) and she didn’t understand it. She said she was waiting for me to give her the book.
Anyway, she says that I’ve been trying to sabotage the relationship from the very start and that we should just have the relationship fun and easy in the beginning. I totally agreed, but said that I can’t help how I feel and that I want to address my feelings ASAP, so that I can clear them up and respect how I feel. She never took responsibility for how her behavior made me feel and said it was all me and that I need to get over my ex.
I feel good about my decision. I realize that her and others (my family) feel that I sabotage relationships, and it makes me feel insecure in what I want. Actually, it really insults me! I do know what I want and I am very secure and confident with that. But, I am always checking in with myself and seeing if there is any truth to what they are saying. Meaning I am looking at myself and potential faults and I never felt that from the woman I was dating. I always felt that she would get defensive and never look at herself. Yesterday she told me, I am so hurt, I have no idea why you are doing this?!! I told her that she’s not listening to what I’m saying. Literally, I am explaining to her exactly what I need and she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t look at herself and see what’s upsetting me. I think that’s another reason I was turned off. If she went to me and said, “you know, I’m really sorry that you feel that way and I’ll really try to work on that”, I would feel a lot better. It’s exactly how I felt with my ex wife. Am I asking too much or still hooked into my past, I don’t think so. Or that I want someone to answer/behave in the exact way I want, possibly. But that’s what I want and I feel that I’m allowed to want. I just want to learn from my mistakes and be reasonable in my requests for what I want.

I sent her text this morning apologizing for breaking up with her at the end of our fun trip and that she is an amazing woman and haven’t heard back from her. I think she is very hurt and upset with me. Me, I feel I did the right thing, listening to my gut.
Anyway, thank you again for your advice as it really helps!!

Anita, you rock girlfriend.

Yes, I agree with everything you said. I don’t mean to put her on a pedestal. If I have done that, how do I not in the future?

I did mention that I don’t like her tone (twice maybe three times now) and she says there is nothing mean behind it and that’s how she is. After this argument, I dug deep and thought that maybe it was me that has the self confidence issue and that I shouldn’t put it on her.
I know that there is some anger behind the tone, I am ultra intuitive (as well as sensitive) and get frustrated when I bring that up and she doesn’t address it and look at it. Not sure how to address that as it will seem like it’s my issue and my past and she may not address it herself. If we talk again, I’m not sure I should bring that up right away. Your thoughts?

It does actually remind me of my of ex-wife. It was all about my issues and not looking at her own. That does bum me out as I am looking at mine and doing what I can to deal with them. She also has a hard time communicating (just like my ex) after I have told her something serious. I told her that I would like some kind of acknowledgement of any kind. I told her that when she doesn’t acknowledge me, it leaves me feeling really insecure and wondering what she is thinking. She said she is working on it, but I don’t know how hard.

She did mention several times that she has low self esteem though. And I’m really working on her with acknowledging me with a “thank you” after I compliment her on her beauty or something I say nice to her. And I do it in a very gentle way….:)

The real question is, how do I address my concerns about her? I did, but I was really heated. It seems that she is putting this all on me, so I’m not sure how to deal with this. She is suppose to call me any minute now. Do I talk to her about it now or do I wait?

Hi Anita,

I hope you’re doing well.
I just wanted to check in with you and give you a little progress report (as you are such a big part of my change/understanding).

I can’t believe it, but I’m getting a lot of work right now with design. It’s been a blast, keeping me busy, and putting a little cash in my pocket. I’m not stressing out too much and seem to be pretty focused. I’m chipping away at my self confidence as I do more projects…:)

My “girlfriend” and I are doing great. We have an awesome time together and we are both learning. She isn’t use to someone who communicates as much as me, (so she’s learning how to communicate), and I’m learning how to get over my fears of rejection, abandonment, and learning how to deal with her tone of voice, (which she actually comes from a good place).

I sleep about 4 nights a week at home, so I’m seeing my mother less (which is great). We are mostly communicating via text and it’s working out great. I realized that after I was so angry with her, that my anger is dissipating. I really feel I cut the cord with her about a month ago and not being around much really helps. She is the same old person (nervous, anxious, negative), but i just try to avoid it…:)

I had an experience with my girlfriend last week that I want to share with you, but I’ll have to do it when I have more time.

Thank you for everything Anita!!

Anita,

Thank you for replying. Unfortunately, I had to have to conversation with her Monday night and didn’t read your message in time. She is coming over to my house on Saturday, so I thought it would be right to let her know that I live in my mothers guest house. I didn’t want to omit this information as I thought I would be honest and up front with her. She was actually pretty cool with it, but she did ask a lot of questions: How long have I lived there? How do I get my clients? etc. I told her, and I felt pretty insecure about all of that and that I was afraid she might leave because of it. She also didn’t say a word. She gave me a big long hug afterwords, but that wasn’t enough for me as I had no idea what her thoughts were. So, last night I saw her and explained that by her not saying anything (which has been the third time), that it left me in the wind not knowing how she felt. She said actions speak louder than words, (meaning the hug). I said that I needed more than that. I need her to communicate with me as well. Acknowledge what I said, as I was very venerable and totally honest with her. She said she was sorry and that she wasn’t use to communicating about feelings or anything in general as her ex husband never asked her for her opinion or communicated with her (and they were together for 20 years). It made me feel better that we had that talk. Afterwards, she mentioned that I am intense and a touch dramatic. But, I think she likes it. She also doesn’t complements well (not saying anything) and I am reminding her to just say “thank you”. She totally agreed and once again said she wasn’t use to someone complementing her. So, we are working on that. 🙂
The woman I worked with yesterday, called me while I was at “my girlfriends” house and I told her I would charge her 250.00 (which is a discount). My girlfriend was like, “you didn’t even negotiate with her” and she was right, but it made me feel a little bad about myself for not asking for what I’m worth. Not sure how to handle that in the future. I know that she wants me to be successful though, so comes from a good place.
I just feel that she is judging me for where I am at in my life. She isn’t though (as she is still with me), so I think it’s my own insecurity about my situation. I should totally own it, but I felt insecure about it. I’ll learn for next time..:) And it’s not like she’s perfect either, but I try to make her feel good about herself.

She also asked me why I didn’t have a girlfriend in years. Once again I feel I was being judged. I think she’s trying to understand and learn about me, but maybe I should tell her that I feel like I’m being judged by these questions. I think that her ex husband (which she still has to deal with because of her kids), really screwed her up. But she is also really shy. I am not sure how to handle this lack of communication, but I had a talk with her last night. She also feels that I am getting too serious as we have only known each other for two weeks.
We have a great time together though. We laugh so hard!!. I have never met a woman who I laugh with this hard, and we both love it. She told me that no matter what happens, she wants me in her life, as friends or intimate. I told her I’m not looking for another friend and she totally agreed. I think the lesson here for me to own my power and where I am in my life. I just felt that once she gets to me, she will leave, which is my own insecurity.

Now as far as my mother is concerned, I haven’t really talked her. We’ve been communicating via text, which works out fine for me. I’ve been staying over “my girlfriends” house a lot, so out of sight, out of mind works for me…:) . I think she feels that this will all blow over. But, I do feel that I have disconnected from her as much as I can for staying in the guest house.

I have to run now, as I have a second day working for that woman I worked for yesterday…:)

Thank you again Anita!!

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for setting me straight about moving out. You’re right, it is about choice, and I am making the choice to live here for now.
I just got into a huge blow out with my mom on Wednesday night and I really let her have it (nothing vulgar, just a repetitive dialogue that just doesn’t stop). I am so angry with her, that I just can’t seem to calm down which makes me non productive and I feel that it sets me back. She has a big birthday party tomorrow night and we agreed not to talk after that. I know that’s not true though with her. But, I feel so strong and angry about the subject, that I’m going to do whatever I can to keep up my end of the bargain. I don’t know how to calm down about it. Thank god I’m dating this woman and I can go over to her house and spend the night.

I’m just going to keep my distance until I can move out. She bought me a leather futon/couch and I don’t like it, nor do I want it from her, so I’m going to send it back. Her giving me things kinda disgusts me, and I almost feel bad about it. I have heard that it’s very difficult to have a relationship with another until you have a good relationship with your mother (for men) and that freaks me out. I honestly feel that I would be a great boyfriend. So, let’s see what happens with the woman I’m dating.

thank you again Anita!