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John

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  • #145993

    John
    Participant

    OH!…..

    Got it Anita…:)

    #145985

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m so happy that you like my new business…:) I think it can really be a game changer.  I use to do feng shui consultations and that was awesome.  There were some aspects that I really didn’t care for, but very practical and cool things that were life changing.  I have a questionare that I have clients fill out before we meet.  The difference between what I’m doing and interior design is that people WANT this service because they want calmness and relaxation.  It’s a different attitude…:)

    My friend/client wanted me to interior design and it’s just not my thing.  I love the creative process, but that’s only 15% of the job, the rest is admin believe it or not.  I’m not sure what you mean by being flexible though.  I want to stay focused on what I want to do and not be veered away from my goal of helping people create this kind of environment.  How do I stay flexible?

    And yes, that’s part of my goal.  Each person has a different vision of what is authentic and relaxing and I will cater to that.

    You know exactly what I’m doing and I’m glad that you are excited about it.  So am I!…:))

    #145969

    John
    Participant

    Anita,

    So great to hear from you!

    Thank you for the great advice.  After getting your message, I instantly felt better and more relaxed.  I thought I might have been slipping into my old darkness.  😉 . Yes, one moment at a time and stop thinking so deeply.  It’s helped me already since your message!  I’m doing a rigorous work out in the morning (just started two weeks ago) and it’s really helped!

    I’m so happy that you really like my business plan.  I’m working with this PR gal (she’s not charging me since I did her house and we are college friends), and I’m really excited about launching.  We should be launching in the next three weeks.  She has come up with a great story and will be pitching it to some editors of magazines that she knows, (fingers crossed).   Things seem to be going well and I feel it’s a matter of learning how to use coping mechanism when things get rough.  At least that’s what I’m thinking.

    I appreciate all your advice more than you know!

    Keep you posted!!

    #145847

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    I’m so bummed!  I just wrote you a long message and it didn’t go through…:(

    Anyway, It’s been a while.  Recap for the last month, I broke up with the woman I was dating (for the reasons that we talked about before), and feel I did the right thing.  I’ve also worked my butt off getting a friend/client into his new house.  We had to purchase everything for it and he paid me for it.  It felt really good to  be busy!  I had such a good month with work and now it’s all stopped and I’m feeling depressed.

    My friend/client was hoping that doing his house and all his financial support would be a good push into Interior Design.  After the job, I explained to him that I don’t want to be an Interior Designer and that I want to help people.  I want to help people create a calm and relaxing home.  He thinks it’s a good idea, but is there a market for it?  I’m also working with a good friend who is a PR rep and she’s been pushing me to into the “Wellness Designer” path (which I coined) then just interior design.

    Long story short, I am freaked out that this might be a pipe dream and not realistic.  It’s something I know I can do, but he has a point, is there a market for this?  I was doing so great, feeling good, positive while working and now I’m totally bummed out.  I’m getting those negative feelings back and it scares me.  Call me crazy, but I never expected (and kinda feel the same) that i would never live past 50.  I don’t know what would happen, but that was just my feeling.  I never think about retirement because I am just trying to put gas in my car and not go crazy in my head.

    Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and love to hear any thoughts you have oh master of advice…:)

    #136195

    John
    Participant

    God you are good Anita.

    I will do my best to practice your suggestions. You’re right, it does need to be a win-win and not me giving too much.

    Thank you for all support and advice. And…I also appreciate that you have me look at my short comings/things to work on…:)))

    #136169

    John
    Participant

    Anita,
    Thank you for your advice.
    I don’t believe that I was interpreting her tone with my mothers. My mother isn’t judgemental, But…There is a similarity. I fully explain what I want, and it isn’t heard or I should say “A sense of relatedness” and saying, “I’ll do my best since it doesn’t make you feel good.” I always ask, “what is it that you want from me since this isn’t a one way street?” She doesn’t say anything and says that she has a very hard time asking for help or what she needs. Wait, she did mention that she wants to keep things light and fun. The thing is, we are spending a lot of time together, learning about each other, and I’m spending the night at her house a lot. I don’t mean to be so intense with her (even though I am intense and passionate), but I do need to address the way I’m feeling. She says that I’m beating a dead horse and that I keep creating arguements and that it’s too much too soon. I explained that it’s the same issue, (her tone, lack of compassion, or just the lack of response to my communicating with me while I open up to her). I explained that when she asks me questions and I really open to her and she doesn’t say anything, it doesn’t make me feel good. She says that she is processing the info. I explained that she just needs to say that versus saying nothing. I even explained to her that if she said something like, “wow, that must have really felt bad, or thank you for sharing, I know that it’s a sensitive issue for you”, I would have been totally cool. I know that I’m asking for someone to answer a way that I want and that may not be realistic. The thing is, that’s what I do for her. Also, when I open up to her, she seems to think that it’s something I’m doing wrong, (a similar feel I get with my step-mom).
    She also mentioned (three times now) that my behavior will stop me from having any real relationship and that I will scare away women. I do listen to that as I want to grow and be a better person/partner, but I also have to listen to my gut.

    If my ex-wife would have apologized to me for not hearing me and that she would do a better job working with me, it would have diffused a lot of my insecurity that she was going to leave and my anxiety.

    I didn’t feel safe opening up to this woman as I felt she would judge me. Meaning, when I did explain an argument that I had with an ex, she would bring that up and have me look at my anger. Now, I don’t want to say I’m perfect and don’t have any issues, but I never felt that she totally had my back. Similar to how I feel about my father and step-mom. But…I did have a long talk with my dad/step-mom and that did help a little bit even though I don’t expect them to change. It felt good to be heard and not be defensive, which I felt with this woman.
    Now, how can i learn from this, I’m not totally sure. I want to be aware of my shortcomings (fear of a woman leaving once they know me, potential unrealistic way of someone communicating with me, anger), but I also want to listen to my gut. I will watch my own tone with someone in the future while communicating my fears, or projecting my ex-wifes’s or parents behavior.

    How do I really learn from this and my past relationships?
    This woman says I need to go to therapy for not getting passed my ex.

    #136143

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your advice about my dating situation. I took your advice to heart. I went camping this weekend with her and we had a very nice time.
    I just couldn’t shake the fact that I wanted her to be more compassionate about what I would tell her that was very personal to me.
    We were having breakfast and she was asking questions about my ex and I felt that she was looking for signs or patterns that she was experiencing with me. I can understand her vetting me, but I felt I was being judged. I had to really look at the situation and see if I was being defensive or that was really how I felt. It kept coming up for me, so I am pretty sure it was her tone/delivery that didn’t feel good.
    I kept telling her that her tone/delivery didn’t make me feel good. She never took responsibility for how it made me feel. Such as, “I’m really sorry that it doesn’t make you feel good, I’ll work on it”. In the end, I just think that is how she is and it’s nobody’s fault.
    I brought up to her that I am not perfect and that I’m working on things as we speak, ie: not being redundant (harping) in saying things to her. I think the reason I do that is that I’m not feeling heard.
    I never felt a sense of relatedness when I opened up. She would take in what I said and wouldn’t say anything afterwards. I’ve explained to her in the past that I would at least like some form of acknowledgement if she can’t give me any compassion. I also explained how it made me feel when she didn’t give me any acknowledgement.
    In the end, I realized how important is me to be with someone who is very compassionate towards me and in general. I explained to her that my love language is “Words of Affirmation” and that I like to be complimented, etc. She thought that “action speaks louder then words” and I said “maybe for you, but not for me”. I’ve been talking to her about the 5 love languages and she draws a blank when I talk to her about it. It was almost like she didn’t believe me. I explained that to her, action speaks louder, so I’ve been doing so much at her house, (fixing things, getting her things she needs for her house, decorating it so her kids feel comfortable there), but she never asks me what I want. She just gets defensive when I tell her that I need words of affirmation. Yesterday I explained that I go out of my way to give her wants she wants but I don’t feel the same in return. I guess that I am bummed that she didn’t go out of her way to learn about the 5 love languages and what I need, (since I’ve said it about 10 times) and she didn’t understand it. She said she was waiting for me to give her the book.
    Anyway, she says that I’ve been trying to sabotage the relationship from the very start and that we should just have the relationship fun and easy in the beginning. I totally agreed, but said that I can’t help how I feel and that I want to address my feelings ASAP, so that I can clear them up and respect how I feel. She never took responsibility for how her behavior made me feel and said it was all me and that I need to get over my ex.
    I feel good about my decision. I realize that her and others (my family) feel that I sabotage relationships, and it makes me feel insecure in what I want. Actually, it really insults me! I do know what I want and I am very secure and confident with that. But, I am always checking in with myself and seeing if there is any truth to what they are saying. Meaning I am looking at myself and potential faults and I never felt that from the woman I was dating. I always felt that she would get defensive and never look at herself. Yesterday she told me, I am so hurt, I have no idea why you are doing this?!! I told her that she’s not listening to what I’m saying. Literally, I am explaining to her exactly what I need and she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t look at herself and see what’s upsetting me. I think that’s another reason I was turned off. If she went to me and said, “you know, I’m really sorry that you feel that way and I’ll really try to work on that”, I would feel a lot better. It’s exactly how I felt with my ex wife. Am I asking too much or still hooked into my past, I don’t think so. Or that I want someone to answer/behave in the exact way I want, possibly. But that’s what I want and I feel that I’m allowed to want. I just want to learn from my mistakes and be reasonable in my requests for what I want.

    I sent her text this morning apologizing for breaking up with her at the end of our fun trip and that she is an amazing woman and haven’t heard back from her. I think she is very hurt and upset with me. Me, I feel I did the right thing, listening to my gut.
    Anyway, thank you again for your advice as it really helps!!

    #129367

    John
    Participant

    Anita,

    I know that we all have issues, but how do I address hers to her without offending her or getting her defensive? I really do want to make this work.

    #129365

    John
    Participant

    Anita, you rock girlfriend.

    Yes, I agree with everything you said. I don’t mean to put her on a pedestal. If I have done that, how do I not in the future?

    I did mention that I don’t like her tone (twice maybe three times now) and she says there is nothing mean behind it and that’s how she is. After this argument, I dug deep and thought that maybe it was me that has the self confidence issue and that I shouldn’t put it on her.
    I know that there is some anger behind the tone, I am ultra intuitive (as well as sensitive) and get frustrated when I bring that up and she doesn’t address it and look at it. Not sure how to address that as it will seem like it’s my issue and my past and she may not address it herself. If we talk again, I’m not sure I should bring that up right away. Your thoughts?

    It does actually remind me of my of ex-wife. It was all about my issues and not looking at her own. That does bum me out as I am looking at mine and doing what I can to deal with them. She also has a hard time communicating (just like my ex) after I have told her something serious. I told her that I would like some kind of acknowledgement of any kind. I told her that when she doesn’t acknowledge me, it leaves me feeling really insecure and wondering what she is thinking. She said she is working on it, but I don’t know how hard.

    She did mention several times that she has low self esteem though. And I’m really working on her with acknowledging me with a “thank you” after I compliment her on her beauty or something I say nice to her. And I do it in a very gentle way….:)

    The real question is, how do I address my concerns about her? I did, but I was really heated. It seems that she is putting this all on me, so I’m not sure how to deal with this. She is suppose to call me any minute now. Do I talk to her about it now or do I wait?

    #129349

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    Thank you for always being there for me, when I need you. I greatly appreciate it.

    Well, I think I have single handedly screwed up my budding relationship with the woman I was dating. Long story short, I’ve had a couple heated conversations with her about her being more compassionate towards me and that I feel that she is judging me. Afraid of her judging me and my fear of abandonment has brought up deep insecurities within me.

    I just had another conversation with her last night about my fear of abandonment and lack of compassion towards me, (it’s her tone of voice when she asks questions about work and relationships with women) and it didn’t go well.

    I wrote to her this morning (as I tried calling her first) saying that I am very sorry for my behavior. She wrote back saying that I have amazing qualities and potential but that my problem is that I don’t believe in myself and that I haven’t gotten over my ex-wife from nine years ago. The ex-wife issue has caused me to sabotage relationships or just simply not been in one and that I need to deal with both of those issues. She says I should go to therapy to deal with them.
    Now, I didn’t say anything mean about her or curse, but I did say I don’t feel safe telling her my fears as it would scare her away and that I feel she isn’t compassionate enough. I realize now that these are my issues and not hers.

    I took full responsibility for my fears and truly apologized for her taking the brunt of my fears. I explained that I have been dealing with finding my path with work for years and it’s a very sensitive issue for me and one I’m trying to work on. Since she has her act together (good job, good family, good friends), that she would leave when I told her these things. She hasn’t left yet since I told her other things, but that’s one of my deepest fears, (and one she says I need to work on).

    This has been an amazing learning experience (at both of our expenses), and hope she doesn’t leave me. And I understand if she does leave though. I’m really trying hard not to beat myself up about this, but it’s really hard not to. I single handedly screwed this up, and it’s hard for me not to take it personal and not beat myself up about it. I promised her that I have learned my lesson and that I will do my best not to take out my personal fears on her. And if so, she has carte blanche to kick me to curb.

    She is in a dance class right now till 11:30am and I wrote this while she is in her class. It’s really up to her now if she wants to move forward with this relationship. It’s almost like murphy’s law…My fears of her leaving could possibly come true and I did that to the relationship. I feel absolutely horrible about my behavior towards her and how it made her feel. I explained this to her via text. I have hurt her and don’t know if it’s beyond reconciliation. I am not perfect, and I have been very sweet, generous (with time and helping her with her house), and affectionate. It’s my taking out my fears on her that has scared her and hurt her.

    It’s now a waiting game and one that I’m trying to keep out of my head about.

    Any thoughts?…:)

    #128031

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I hope you’re doing well.
    I just wanted to check in with you and give you a little progress report (as you are such a big part of my change/understanding).

    I can’t believe it, but I’m getting a lot of work right now with design. It’s been a blast, keeping me busy, and putting a little cash in my pocket. I’m not stressing out too much and seem to be pretty focused. I’m chipping away at my self confidence as I do more projects…:)

    My “girlfriend” and I are doing great. We have an awesome time together and we are both learning. She isn’t use to someone who communicates as much as me, (so she’s learning how to communicate), and I’m learning how to get over my fears of rejection, abandonment, and learning how to deal with her tone of voice, (which she actually comes from a good place).

    I sleep about 4 nights a week at home, so I’m seeing my mother less (which is great). We are mostly communicating via text and it’s working out great. I realized that after I was so angry with her, that my anger is dissipating. I really feel I cut the cord with her about a month ago and not being around much really helps. She is the same old person (nervous, anxious, negative), but i just try to avoid it…:)

    I had an experience with my girlfriend last week that I want to share with you, but I’ll have to do it when I have more time.

    Thank you for everything Anita!!

    #127102

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m so bummed…I just wrote you a long email and I lost it.

    Things are good. I’m staying away from my mom. Work has been busy. And there have a been few hickups with my girlfriend, but they sorted themself out.

    I’m heading to SF today to help my friends decorate their home. They are paying for my flight and food and it’s good to help out my friends and get more experience under my belt.

    I’ll write you soon with an update.

    thank you for checking in on me. 🙂

    #126128

    John
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for replying. Unfortunately, I had to have to conversation with her Monday night and didn’t read your message in time. She is coming over to my house on Saturday, so I thought it would be right to let her know that I live in my mothers guest house. I didn’t want to omit this information as I thought I would be honest and up front with her. She was actually pretty cool with it, but she did ask a lot of questions: How long have I lived there? How do I get my clients? etc. I told her, and I felt pretty insecure about all of that and that I was afraid she might leave because of it. She also didn’t say a word. She gave me a big long hug afterwords, but that wasn’t enough for me as I had no idea what her thoughts were. So, last night I saw her and explained that by her not saying anything (which has been the third time), that it left me in the wind not knowing how she felt. She said actions speak louder than words, (meaning the hug). I said that I needed more than that. I need her to communicate with me as well. Acknowledge what I said, as I was very venerable and totally honest with her. She said she was sorry and that she wasn’t use to communicating about feelings or anything in general as her ex husband never asked her for her opinion or communicated with her (and they were together for 20 years). It made me feel better that we had that talk. Afterwards, she mentioned that I am intense and a touch dramatic. But, I think she likes it. She also doesn’t complements well (not saying anything) and I am reminding her to just say “thank you”. She totally agreed and once again said she wasn’t use to someone complementing her. So, we are working on that. 🙂
    The woman I worked with yesterday, called me while I was at “my girlfriends” house and I told her I would charge her 250.00 (which is a discount). My girlfriend was like, “you didn’t even negotiate with her” and she was right, but it made me feel a little bad about myself for not asking for what I’m worth. Not sure how to handle that in the future. I know that she wants me to be successful though, so comes from a good place.
    I just feel that she is judging me for where I am at in my life. She isn’t though (as she is still with me), so I think it’s my own insecurity about my situation. I should totally own it, but I felt insecure about it. I’ll learn for next time..:) And it’s not like she’s perfect either, but I try to make her feel good about herself.

    She also asked me why I didn’t have a girlfriend in years. Once again I feel I was being judged. I think she’s trying to understand and learn about me, but maybe I should tell her that I feel like I’m being judged by these questions. I think that her ex husband (which she still has to deal with because of her kids), really screwed her up. But she is also really shy. I am not sure how to handle this lack of communication, but I had a talk with her last night. She also feels that I am getting too serious as we have only known each other for two weeks.
    We have a great time together though. We laugh so hard!!. I have never met a woman who I laugh with this hard, and we both love it. She told me that no matter what happens, she wants me in her life, as friends or intimate. I told her I’m not looking for another friend and she totally agreed. I think the lesson here for me to own my power and where I am in my life. I just felt that once she gets to me, she will leave, which is my own insecurity.

    Now as far as my mother is concerned, I haven’t really talked her. We’ve been communicating via text, which works out fine for me. I’ve been staying over “my girlfriends” house a lot, so out of sight, out of mind works for me…:) . I think she feels that this will all blow over. But, I do feel that I have disconnected from her as much as I can for staying in the guest house.

    I have to run now, as I have a second day working for that woman I worked for yesterday…:)

    Thank you again Anita!!

    #126000

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for the great advice. On two fronts: Things are going really well with the woman I dated. We spent the whole day yesterday and spent the nightat her house and had a blast. Since I have little money to spend on her, I have been fixing up her place, painting her fireplace and fixing it, replacing batteries in her smoke detectors, etc. It’s my way of showing that I care and it makes me feel like a man.
    She told me she likes me, and I like her. I showed her a couple of pictures of some ribs I made at my house this Saturday and she asked me if I brought them to my mothers party. I told I did. She really wants to come to my house and I told her I would love her to, so she’s coming over Saturday. I feel like I’m lying to her or omitting information which can be construed that I’ve been lying to her. I think it’s time to tell her but I’m very worried that she will leave or not trust me in the future because I didn’t tell her up front. She is a very good person and I would hate to lose her but I feel it’s time. We have spent a lot of time together and have really bonded with her. I’m not sure how deep I should go with her. I don’t think I need to tell her about my CPTSD, but that I have had a bad relationship with my mother and it’s getting worked through now. I also think that I should tell her that in order for me to get this business going, I had to move into my mothers guest house.

    The more I write this though, the more I believe I should tell her. I will own it. Thoughts?…:)
    I’m seeing her tonight.

    I also got a phone call yesterday while i was at her house from a woman I went on a date with (which didn’t work out). She wants me to work on her place tomorrow and I’m charging her a small fee (250.00). The woman I’m seeing got little upset that I didn’t negotiate harder, and she did mention that I went on a date with her and that didn’t make her feel well. I think this might be her issue and I explained that i really want the money.
    It’s business and nothing more. This woman who I’m working with tomorrow can refer me to clients in the future.

    In regards to work, I had a male client last week (by referral) and he totally loved what we worked on together on. That made me feel pretty good. And now i have a client out of nowhere that wants to work with me, I feel pretty good about that as well. I don’t know how it’s coming to me, but it is. It’s not enough or stable yet for me to move yet, but it’s a start.

    Now, my mother…She had her birthday party here this weekend. It went off well and I stayed in my back house and smoked ribs and didn’t get near her. She is being very nice to me but it’s not working. I believe that I have finally seen the light, and as hard as it is to see it, I feel it’s right. It does hurt me, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I really feel disconnected from her which is good.

    And as far as my anger goes, I’m still angry, but this weekend away took me out of it for a while. I’m not sure what to do with anger, so I’m just staying away from my mother now.

    Thank you again for all your support Anita!!

    #125825

    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you again for setting me straight about moving out. You’re right, it is about choice, and I am making the choice to live here for now.
    I just got into a huge blow out with my mom on Wednesday night and I really let her have it (nothing vulgar, just a repetitive dialogue that just doesn’t stop). I am so angry with her, that I just can’t seem to calm down which makes me non productive and I feel that it sets me back. She has a big birthday party tomorrow night and we agreed not to talk after that. I know that’s not true though with her. But, I feel so strong and angry about the subject, that I’m going to do whatever I can to keep up my end of the bargain. I don’t know how to calm down about it. Thank god I’m dating this woman and I can go over to her house and spend the night.

    I’m just going to keep my distance until I can move out. She bought me a leather futon/couch and I don’t like it, nor do I want it from her, so I’m going to send it back. Her giving me things kinda disgusts me, and I almost feel bad about it. I have heard that it’s very difficult to have a relationship with another until you have a good relationship with your mother (for men) and that freaks me out. I honestly feel that I would be a great boyfriend. So, let’s see what happens with the woman I’m dating.

    thank you again Anita!

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