Hi Anita,

Well, I’m taking your advice…Long story short, my mother and I butted heads on the day after christmas. She told me that she loves me very much and would do anything for me. I told her, I appreciate the financial assistance and that no amount for favors, gifts, etc. is what I need. I what I really need is for you to stop yelling and being anxious. She said that she is a lot better then she you use to be and she’s doing her best. I said, “well, unfortunately that’s not enough. I want to heal and it’s very hard to do so when you so anxious, so knowing that I truly can’t handle the yelling and being anxious, I think the best thing is for me to try and stay away for a while. I know that it made her feel uncomfortable and sad. I have to say though, it was a talk (out of hundreds) that felt so empowering for myself. I feel different, like I actually feel a separation. I also feel sad and a little bit in limbo, but it will work itself out.

Now, should I say something to father as well? The thing is, I believe it backfire on me. First off, he won’t understand, secondly he and my step mother will get very defensive. And I’m not sure how to approach it. “Dad, I feel that you and I never have deep conversations about feelings, and I really needed that.” He blamed me at first for my ex-wife just splitting and going back to Austria. They loved her very much but thought I did something for her to leave. I felt that he didn’t have my back. I explained all this to him and he still didn’t see it. He truly doesn’t understand feelings and really think it will make things worse. Should I explain my current (Anita diagnoses) and that is what is truly why I’m having a hard time keeping down a job? Talking to him will create a serious wedge between him and my step mom and will stop all of kids (with my absence) at family functions.

My dad and step mom were upset that I didn’t see them Christmas Eve when they were just 5 blocks away. I told them I was sick (which I was) and went to bed at 8pm.
Not sure how to handle my dad and step mom.

Thank you Anita for being so awesome!

Dear Anita,
Merry Christmas. 🙂
OK, I see your point how my mother has been and currently affecting my life. And you are totally correct. There were many years when I didn’t live with her and I still had issues with work. I agree that I should work, but I feel paralyzed in making a move forward. Now, if someone needed handyman work or design help, I can do that. But you need clients and I don’t have the self confidence to do that.
In order for me to move out my mothers house, I’m going to have to pay high rent, which means I need a decent job. Personally, I would love to move back to the Central Coast of California where it’s slower, I’m more in nature, great wine country, and amazing place to BBQ and cook. The difference now being, I’m moving up there solo (I was married when I lived in SLO), I don’t have a job (and trust that I can keep one down), and it’s almost as expensive as LA. But I love it there.

I feel stuck here and don’t know how to get out of this situation. My mother won’t stop texting me if I ask her to do so, she won’t stop calling me, and won’t stop being so anxious. When I beg her to stop, she says she feels like she’s walking on egg shells with me. The only to stop these things is to move out, period. I’m just not sure how to do so.

Thank you again Anita!!

Summerbreeze,
hahaha…My family owned a restaurant for 23 years and I worked at a French restaurant all through college. Working weekends, nights, holidays, the constant pressure cooker ready to explode, and CUSTOMERS. Thank you, but no…:)
Meeting the girlfriends parents for the first time is can be a touch nerve wracking regardless of your employment. My advice to you, “since I’ve been there a million times” is don’t bring it up. I’m sure they will and say your own version of you looking for a job in a specific field (and that can be something that interests you). The most important thing is to own it. Believe it. And don’t wait for that dreaded question. Be in the moment. Be present with them. Who knows, maybe the conversation leads towards you asking more questions about a family topic. Ask questions about the parents..Or your girlfriends childhood and family vacations. I’m just throwing things out there. You can also twist the nervousness and say, “I’m so excited to meet the parents of the woman I love”.
By the way, these just to be coping strategies that I’ve used in the past, take it or leave it…:)
Try to take yourself out of your head this holiday season as best as possible and focus on other things or hobby’s.

Hi Anita!

Are you kidding me? I have so much to be asking you about my life and C-PTSD. And thank you for writing back, you have no idea you help!

Wow, to longer dilute myself with untruths, fakeness, pretending, etc…I’m interested to see where all the parts of my life I live like that. How would go about doing so?

It’s so hard Anita, but I can’t look at my mother the same, (since you and I started this convo). I don’t want to be mean to her and now I’m madder then ever at her…and my dad. I don’t know this anger towards them constructive or not. I am truly angry, confused, and depressed this Christmas and that sucks. But then again, the past 9 years living in mothers guest house, I haven’t been super excited about Christmas. I feel like I’m stuck cooking with mother (which is stressful for like two weeks), and that I don’t have any power around that. I just get upset every year because I quit so many jobs and don’t have the money to travel somewhere cool for christmas. It’s like I’m not living my own life, and that upsets me for several reasons. I know deep down that I’m a badass, but I keep sabotaging myself with work I hate or quit soon after. I’m hard on myself, because I feel I could be doing better, but I’m at a stage where I just don’t believe in myself. It sucks.

Maybe me living with mother is a way to heal from all of this…Sounds cruel.

And my ex-wife just leaving and not telling me why is bizarre. Did I attract that?

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow (If you’re into Christmas)..:)

Summerbreeze,
thank you so much for reaching out! It’s so great to hear that there is someone else out there that also feels my pain, (Anita, I also know you feel my pain, and you are so awesome!).

I have also felt trapped inside my own personal prison. It’s challenging when all my friends are doing very well and having families and I’m having issues filling my tank and buying groceries. As Anita pointed out earlier, as much as I felt that I had a block, I didn’t know what it was and where it came from. Anita went straight into my childhood, and she was right! So know, I’m dealing with mother and father and trying to figure out where to go from there, (as she was correct in her advice about my parents).

I can’t really give you any advice as I’m in thick of learning about CPSTD and where to go from here. I will join some support groups on other issues I have: ADD and Depression and I’m looking for a support group for CPTSD in Los Angeles. I’ve joined other boards, but Anita has given me the most eye opening and rich advise, period!

I am so happy that you’re learning from this thread and it inspired you to join!!

I am just curious. How do feel at work? What is it that drives you crazy with your bosses?
But to be honest, I’m not sure it matters at this point, maybe later down the road. Based on Anita’s advice, Look at your childhood, how was it? Anita really had a “come to Jesus” with me in regards to my parents. I knew they loved me, but their love wasn’t enough. I needed/need my mother to stop yelling, being so anxious, making me nervous and stop treating me like a child. And for my father to have deep conversations with me about my feelings. Now I’m at a point of seeing the light, of how much of an impact it made (and still does in my life) and how to deal with them (and myself) from here on out.

Stay in the game here! Nothing hasn’t worked for me yet, (medication helps deal with my issues, but doesn’t get to the root of them), so with minimal means at my disposal, this board has been the best advice yet!

I wish you a great Holiday Season and hang in there, we’ll get through this!…:)

Anita!
You rock girl…I agree with you on all fronts. I guess I was giving you both sides to the story…defending her and bashing her, (figuratively). You are so right…Now what? Trust me, I was fine leaving her years ago when I had the means. I’m currently stuck financially, which frustrates me that I am choosing (in a very distorted way), so not work and leave the guest house. Several years ago I was seeing a therapist for three years and he just told me to get a job, any job and move out of my mothers guest house ASAP! The tough love approach doesn’t work with me, nor doesn’t “if you want it bad enough, you’ll find a way”. I rebel against those approaches.

You are totally right though and thats one of the bizarre things…Why my mother keeps yelling after I tell her “you’re killing me inside, you just can’t see it” would and does blow me away. It’s like, “I can’t be anymore clear as to what the yelling does to me, and yet, she still does it”. I’ve even told her, “If you really love me, you’ll stop yelling”…

OK, enough with the excuses and backstory…The truth is I need to move of here. So, what do I do in the meantime to keep me sane and heal if possible? It’s almost like I’m meant to stay here in some fucked up way until I resolve or heal myself from her. Who knows…
But I’m not afraid to confront her. I believe that I had to take responsibility for my own actions and stop blaming things on her, which is why I don’t put it on her.

I appreciate you being so blunt and strong about this Anita. It’s really helping me see that it’s her and not me. It will help to stop reacting to her, I hope…:) Baby steps…But so that you know, I’ve spent years trying to work on my relationship with my mother, but it doesn’t seem to change. I’m not afraid of her, I will do whatever it takes to heal! It’s either that or I wither away and I have so much to do in my life!

Is the first step to acknowledge that she contributed mostly to my affliction? I don’t want to give her 100% responsibility because I feel I need to take some responsibility in my actions and behaviors. But who knows, maybe that’s whats stopping me from healing.

It’s important for me to tell you, that I am trusting your judgement (a total stranger), because I want to heal and kick ass in life, and that your words are resonating with me, (regardless of me not accepting them at first).

Anita, thank you for taking a stand for me!

Wow Anita,
That’s a hard pill to swallow, but it makes sense. I know that my mother loves me and she would do “almost” anything for me, so it’s a tough one to get my hands around. And I will do my best! I never thought of her as against me, but that’s been my biggest issue. I would say, “If you truly loved me, you would stop yelling”…I don’t think she’s aware of her nervousness, micro-managing, and stress she brings into the environment. Regardless, I will take this on! I need to break this dysfunctional bond if I want to grow…:)

I’ll look up “seperation-individuation” see what’s that all about.

As far as my niece and nephew are concerned, I talked to my sister on the phone today and explained what is happening (our mom bitching to my sisters kids). My sister doesn’t want to screw up her children and started to cry. She said that our mother is constantly ragging on her and makes my sister feel like she’s a bad mother. And to top it off, her kids like to go to their grandmothers house. they get to watch TV nonstop and my mom makes them food every morning and takes them to school, (my sister drops them off in the morning).

Now, what’s tough about this, is my mother would give her life for her children. We know that she doesn’t mean to harm us, but she is. She’s not yelling 24/7, but her energy is bad enough that I don’t want to be near her. My one sister thinks I’m overly sensitive and I don’t sugarcoat things, which makes me sound insensitive. Who knows, she is ultra codependent with my mother which makes it really hard to tell her about our mother because she always defending her.

Sounds like one happy bunch of dysfunctional family memebers…:)

Thank you again! You are really helping me see things through a different lens.

Hi Anita,

Great Advice about my mother’s yelling and it being inconvenient to her. I can’t tell you how many times we (my two sisters and I) have told her to stop yelling and she doesn’t. She takes my niece and nephew to school, so she sees them everyday. It’s bizarre, she yells at me niece way more more, but that’s a different issue.:) My mother is totally not compassionate about the harm that was done to me as a child. When I told her that it’s very clear that I have C-PTSD, she just said that I need “to learn to cope and manage it”. Maybe she doesn’t want to address it. With that being said, I’ve read most of one of Pete Walkers articles on Grieving.

I’m going to have to learn how to grieve on my own for the time being…I’m hoping that I can really dig deep and get a good cry out…We’ll see.

As far as SHARE goes, I spoke to volunteer there (who must be going through her shit) as she wasn’t very helpful. She said there were classes on PTSD on the bulletin board but she wouldn’t get them for me. I looked online at their calendar and didn’t see any classes for it.

I had a very nice therapist call me back from a clinic (that I can’t remember the name of) and told me to check out:
National Alliance for Mental Illness, and Southern California Counceling Center for CPTSD. She said that good forms of therapy to look for are: Trauma Resiliance Model, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR. I also have ADD and Depression and that I should check out support groups for these issues. So, I’m going to look at this as an adventure and explore these other support groups as well. SHARE has support groups for these, and I will check them out.

Its been a very very busy week for me as I’ve been really sick (still sick), my mothers birthday tonight, and helping cook for 30 people for christmas…It’s a lot…:)

Thank you Anita for all your help, it’s really appreciated! 🙂