Anita,

Your responses have given me another perspective to view this from, and the anger and empathy you feel for me is palpable. From a stranger on the internet, I am truly and deeply touched. Thank you.

I feel validated in my anger when you say there is something off, as that is my gut reaction. But I do have my own insecurities, and it’s hard for me to know which direction points to growth. Do I want to move towards relationships that are more open and intimate with friends? Or do I want to embrace my instinctive desires of comfort and safety? I suspect the answer is in balance, but I’m not sure where to draw the lines here.

I’ve expressed all of these perceived boundary violations to my boyfriend (I’ll call him Sam for simplicity’s sake), though always through anger and outrage, and not as level-headed as I have here. Sam responds defensively, but truthfully.

Sam would say that there may have been sexual tension when he first met the friend (I’ll call her Sarah), but it was short-lived, and while it’s the reason they started talking, it’s not the reason he and Sarah became and have remained close friends for so long.

Most of that I think is true. But I also know I’m the first truly serious partner Sam has had, and before we met he rarely dated, and didn’t seem to actively seek out romantic relationships. I think that’s because Sarah filled this role for him. But he’s not consciously aware of it, and now that we’re in a serious relationship, he doesn’t see anything wrong with the relationships he naturally built before I came along.

I believe that he’s not sexually attracted to her, and I don’t think he’s ever felt anything like that with his real sister (though I agree it wouldn’t be unheard of, and I don’t take any offense at the idea). The emotional intimacy he shares with Sarah is different than the intimacy he shares with his close male friends and his real sisters — this I am quite certain of.

The core of our misalignment seems to be this question of how much of that emotional intimacy should be reserved for a partner. What constitutes a “romantic” relationship? And our answers to that are quite far from each other.

I think your perception of what each relationship means to Sam is accurate. Sarah is a source of comfort and validation to him in her familiarity, fun, and lightness, and this is a close friendship to him. She adds some value to his life that I don’t. If I really take a step back, I ask myself who am I to take that away from him? I don’t want him to break up a friendship to make his girlfriend feel comfortable.

He’s taken Sarah to meet his family several times. She’s experienced similar dysfunctional family dynamics in her upbringing and Sam bonded with her over that. I’ve heard his family ask about Sarah when we’re there, which leads to an awkward situation for Sam, and to me feeling horrible.

I want to be fair to Sam here, as I think only honesty can help me untangle the complexity of this situation. I would never give him an ultimatum, but I’m sure that if I did he would choose me. He would do it for me, though, at his expense. It’s hard for me to accept the end of a meaningful relationship because we both just can’t change our views.

Over several years and several arguments, Sam has been less and less involved in Sarah’s life to the point where they only exchange a few greetings here and there now. I guess “best friend” isn’t a fair label anymore, but they have the sort of relationship where years can pass and they can pick right back up where they left off.

I also can’t blame Sam for why I haven’t met Sarah yet. Shortly after we started dating, we took advantage of the pandemic and remote work, and decided on a bit of a nomadic lifestyle, living in many cities across the US for a few years. Prior to that, he had arranged for me to meet her and it felt important to him, but plans fell through. He was nervous about introducing us because he was afraid I might not view their relationship as platonic as he did. It didn’t seem like he was trying to hide anything, more that he was trying not to lose anything.

A few months ago, we moved back to our home city, and recently he said he wanted me to meet Sarah. This has brought back all the past arguments and harbored resentment. It feels wrong for me to say that I don’t want to meet her at this point, but honestly, I don’t. I feel like I know enough already, and meeting her without some internal clarity of my own would only make things worse.

You’re right that I need resolution here. I want mental and emotional clarity before I talk to Sam about it again, else we will have the same fight where one of us must lose. I feel like we’re both just waiting for the other person to come around to the other’s point of view, but it’s only made us fight harder for our own.

I’m sure that I need to let go of something to get past this — but is it him or my own convictions?

Ada