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Bonni_mor

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  • April 15, 2016 at 5:51 am in reply to: Post break-up Blues #101928
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear


    @Anita

    @vesper

    @kimbery

    @my2cents

    @seekinggrace

    I just want to thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart. I felt the warm embraces in your words and every single time I have turned to the forum for great advice, I have received it like a cleansing, so thank you for that.

    As for the ex, I did not acknowledge him at all. Im a very vocal person normally and will not be apprehensive to tell others how their actions have made me feel, but that’s only towards people who care for me. I don’t believe that his actions warranted any response from me, because he actually doesn’t care for me, and the pseudo-concern did not deserve any response, I feel. He doesn’t get to ask me a thing at all, and he is not entitled to even a single hello from me. I don’t owe him the high road. And not responding made me feel better.

    I realized that underlying this post is not only the ex, but that it has more to do with how I perceive my failure and how that changes the perception I have of who I am. I also still do care so much about what he thinks about me which is why I allowed myself to feel like I “failed” and that is what I should be working on.

    Thank you for reminding me that my destiny is far greater than the manipulation of failure has ever taught me. And that it happens. But that I shouldn’t allow it to define me. That “where you are is not who you are”.

    It’s all part of the journey I guess.

    Blessings and hugs

    August 11, 2015 at 7:37 am in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81633
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Annie

    It’s also been 3 months since our breakup surprisingly. I’m really just trying. I think my ex and yours were cut from the same cloth, and so are we. I’m just as compassionate, even after our breakup because even through all of this, I care for him. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

    I’m working on myself and learning to be single. I’m definitely not ready to date, I don’t think I will be ready for a very long time lol but I do look forward to the day that I am.

    I fortunately don’t see him at all for now. We were both studying in his hometown, and when he graduated and found work in my hometown, he moved there. So I don’t have to see him until I move back home at the end of the year. But I still have to face his friends and the 5 years we spent everywhere around this city. We made memories everywhere and everything reminds me of him. I actually live a couple of houses from his mom’s house (whom I was really close to) and I see her from time to time. Having to adopt the mentality that we are strangers kills me but such is life it seems.

    I think we will be okay though. We just need hobbies, or something we can be passionate about. Gravitate all this energy towards something good and uplifting for ourselves. I think that will be helpful.

    I don’t know if this is too much of a stretch, but I would love to know how you’re doing a couple of months from now. I’ll definitely return to this post to reflect on the progress I’ve made and say how I’m doing. I’ll keep you in my heart and pray we both find peace. This really has been therapeutic for me. Thank you.

    Blessings

    Tay

    August 11, 2015 at 12:25 am in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81622
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Hi there Annie,

    You have no idea how much your contribution is appreciated. I’ve been needing to hear from someone who has had similar experience as mine. School has been tough but I’m trying to be tougher. Yes, he is a year older than me. And I know that we are really young and need to go through a whole lot more respectively, it just saddens me that we’ll do so apart. The reason we dated in the first place was because our values and standing on relationships were the same. We wanted to achieve our goals first before thinking about marriage and the like. But we wanted to do so together.We wanted to grow through things together. Or so I thought.

    I really doubt that I will reach out to him though. I don’t know about that. I think you’re stronger than me in that respect. He’s really cowardly and expecting him to give me answers seems like a dead end to me. I have just accepted that sometimes you have to forgive and accept apologies you never got. I also feel that should he want to return, it should be off his own accord. Uninspired by my initiative to reach out to him. That would be the only way I will know for sure that he is genuine. I’m not willing to compromise myself for him anymore.

    How are you right now though? Do you communicate with him/ are you friends?

    Tay

    August 10, 2015 at 11:11 pm in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81620
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much. I certainly will.

    Many blessings.

    Tay

    August 10, 2015 at 5:21 pm in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81589
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    No there hasn’t been any communication between us and really I doubt there will be. In the last week I tried to face the fact that he might not come back. It hurt intensely.But I allowed it. And I’m still dealing with accepting that currently. But I think what Inky said really stayed in my heart. If he comes back, okay. If he doesn’t, that’s okay too.
    The only way I have been able to deflect from thinking about him and the pain I’m feeling is by working on myself. I’m testing for my driver’s permit tomorrow morning (long overdue) and I’ve been focussing on my studies a lot (4 months left of university, Thankfully!). I find improving myself helps and gets me excited about MY future and what it holds. So yes, I guess I’m on my path to accepting the breakup.

    Tay

    August 10, 2015 at 4:06 pm in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81585
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Prasenjeet,

    I’m sorry for the position you are in. I might not have any advice for you regarding your situation but I do empathize with you and I wish you a peaceful mind and light.

    I can however tell you how to start a new topic, I think you will reach more people who can adequately advise you on your situation that way. You can start a new topic in the text box at the bottom of the activity page.

    All the best

    Tay

    August 10, 2015 at 3:58 pm in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81584
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Apologies for the delayed response. Yes, I do suppose that the willingness resonates in the act of loving itself, and what I was trying to put across is that it had not been unrequited love from the word go. It ended up that way, but for the first 4.5 years, I had never doubted my place in his heart. It felt secure. We really took care of each other in many ways. The change came in our last months together I believe, when his priorities started changing and he wanted other things for himself. I started to feel him drift and his love wilt. And even as we broke up, I believe he did still love me and care for my well-being, just not to the extent that I had previously believed him to. So yes I believe he wasn’t willing to be committed to us the way he had been over the years.And this is what I mean by his lack of will to stay committed to the relationship, he had been able to do so (successfully I might add) previously, he just didn’t desire to do so anymore. I hope I have clarified this for you.

    Tay

    August 2, 2015 at 1:51 pm in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81074
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You’re spot on I won’t lie. I am attached to him. We invested a lot in us and he was the greatest portion of my life, unfortunately. So it’s tough to root him out. And although I made a typo by saying “war” (I’d meant to type way, ) I do agree that I am attached to him. Thank you for sharing your experience with your mom, I do relate to you in that context. And if you are trying to uproot someone I’m assuming you’ve known for 54 years, I can try too. I commend you on and wish you well with that.

    The struggle for me has also been greatly motivated by the fact that for the first four and a half years of our relationship, he had been able to give me that love I feel I so richly deserve. So I know he is capable of giving it. Only now he doesn’t WANT to. Which makes it hurt all the more. And it makes it difficult to let go knowing that. But I will try to not live in the past and accept his will presently.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Bonni_mor.
    August 2, 2015 at 10:28 am in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81067
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am still very curious as to what went wrong and I have asked him all those questions before, when we broke up, and he failed to clarify things for me. He repeatedly said how he “just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore” and that was the only overwhelming feeling he could express to me. He is also somewhat cowardly and does not come out to say the hard things that nevertheless need to be said. I mean he had felt like he wanted to be single for a really long time and never expressed that to me and left me to join the dots on my own so I do not expect him to respond any differently if I asked him again. The only closure I will receive is from within, and that is what I am grappling with.

    August 2, 2015 at 5:32 am in reply to: Struggling to accept breakup and move on #81047
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Inky,

    I LOVE that. THANK YOU. I will affirm that to myself everyday until I honestly adopt it (in my heart)

    Love & light to you

    July 30, 2015 at 2:25 pm in reply to: Feeling lost and hopeless after my girlfriend broke up with me! #80885
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Cst,

    My heart really goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. It is actually crazy how similar our situations are.

    I’m recovering from a breakup. It’s been 2 months so far. He had just graduated, He got a job and we broke up the next day because he “didn’t want to be in a rship anymore”.

    I too felt very lost and hopeless because it was so unexpected. 5 years of investment, gone. I truly thought he was my soulmate, we had planned our future for years. Felt like the proverbial love rug was pulled aggressively from under my feet.

    I can further relate because prior to the breakup, I was emotionally dependent on him too. I’m in my final year of law school and it’s been hectic for me. I needed him to be there for me. I expected that he would want to. I too didn’t anticipate that it was burdensome on him or “wore him down” to support me and be understanding. It shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t blame yourself for her inability to show up in that respect.
    She abandoned you at a time when you needed her. She didn’t show up. And she might have her own reasons for not having done that. Her not showing up doesn’t mean that she didn’t love you but maybe just that she wasn’t ready for the magnitude of your love. She wasn’t as ready as you are.

    My favourite poet explains what I’m trying to say to you in the best way by stating that the reality of love is that someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons, you must leave. Because you never have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. So don’t feel guilty.

    On the point of not dealing with the breakup,
    I always use an analogy when I explain to my friends what I’m going through by saying that I feel like my ex and I had agreed to jump off a plane together, sans protection. Just go for it. And we were both so committed to doing it, we held hands, counted to 3, took the leap of faith and it was amazing. and while we were still in the air, he let go of my hand and pulled out a parachute. Completely betraying me. There are no words for how badly it will hurt. It hurts. And I know it’s fresh for you, and I tried to avoid dealing with it as well, but you’re only prolonging the inevitable. I still cry IN my sleep over it. It feels like a nightmare. No one wants to go through it, but you have to. Face your feelings, whatever they may be. You will be better because of it.

    Love and light to you ❤️ I wish you the greatest peace in your heart. I hope this helps somewhat,

    Tay

    May 25, 2015 at 2:26 am in reply to: Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad #77201
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your contribution and kind words. I completely agree with your analysis of the situation.

    Going further, I would like to learn a number of things. But the heaviest weight on my heart is learning how to not feel like I was not enough for him. I’m having the greatest difficulty with that right now and it stems from the rejection I feel. In addition to him not wanting to disappoint everyone, I think or rather would like to believe that he also feared losing me because we both knew that what we had shared was deep and it was special . I am just having difficult understanding why he would risk losing that for “freedom”. Is it just a necessary evil that is crucial for his journey and I should not be selfish and make this about me ; or was I actually really deluded, thinking that he understood how lucky we both were to have each other?

    May 25, 2015 at 1:55 am in reply to: Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad #77200
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Rodrigo,

    I fully understand where you’re coming from. Trust me. But I just promised myself that I won’t dwell in that emotion of feeling like I cannot live without him because I can. I just don’t want to. I felt that way for the first 3 days of our break up but I realized that my life cannot be centered around this one human being, he is not my entire life. Although he truly was the greatest portion of it, he is not all of it. And that’s important to know.

    I’m trying not to look at it as a loss and appreciate that I was lucky enough to experience a love like ours. I take it as a blessing. It was magic. Not many people can say they’ve experienced that. So try to live and think positively. The negative aspects of it I feel will not be beneficial to our healing process.

    May 23, 2015 at 12:57 pm in reply to: Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad #77138
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’m on the receiving end of the break up under similar circumstances and I would like to shed some light as well as get any input from you.

    I’m freshly out of a 5 year relationship with my ex. By freshly I mean less than a week. And that was the first time I’ve actually called him that. Sigh.

    I am currently completing my final year of law school and he is starting his first job as a post graduate next week. He will be working in my hometown, and I am studying in his hometown.

    We met at the university in his hometown, and we’ve been growing together since. I thought we were happy and just experiencing those uphill battles of love, only to find that our relationship had met its demise.

    For the past 6 months, he has been detached and passive about the relationship. I tried everything in my power to revive him from what I thought was a phase. I asked him numerous times whether he knew why he was acting that way and if there was anything I needed to know, or that I could do to which he always replied that he didn’t/there isn’t.

    I eventually couldn’t stand fighting for us to work on my own and confronted him about it. I confronted him about not wanting to be in the relationship and that although he hasn’t expressly told me, his actions show me so. He couldn’t pretend anymore and finally admitted it. He said that he hadn’t known how to tell me but he doesn’t want to be in any relationship right now; that he really was still in love with me but he just wanted to be on his own.
    It turns out that he’s known that he did not want to be in the relationship any longer for 6 months but could not communicate that to me out of fear of disappointing me. I am devastated.

    Saying we have had the greatest relationship is an understatement. Our friends and family have idolized our love. I have been grateful to God everyday that I have known him. I love him with all of me, and I have no doubt that his love was genuine as well. I’m hurt that he couldn’t be honest about how he was feeling from the start, but I do understand that letting go of us was extremely hard for him as well. He was the kind to endure pain in order to avoid disappointing me. But my disappointment resonates more from the fact that he wasn’t brave enough to tell me. He did no one any favors. He simply withdrew emotionally from the relationship and left me to connect the dots on my own.

    I truly do still love this man. We’ve been through so much together, and I’m sad that it didn’t work out. I have not only lost my best friend, but an entire family as well. His mother was my mother. His sister my own . We are all deeply upset by all of this.

    What I do take from the situation however is that we are both still really young, our lives are just beginning, and although I had hopes of going through that together, he felt stifled by the idea of commitment of that nature at such a young age. He feared losing his freedom. And although I feel that was at the expense of something truly amazing, I can’t expect him to give me what he’s not yet ready to. He chose himself over me. That is what gave him peace. I can’t be mad at him for that.

    I may never be able to bring myself to speak to him again, I’m still a mess right now and I don’t think I can JUST be his friend. But I wish him all the desires of his heart. He is an incredible man and although the way he went about ending things was undesirable, there’s no love lost.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Bonni_mor.
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