Forum Replies Created
August 6, 2019 at 1:55 am #306795
Dear Anita and Peggy,
We cracked under the pressure and I was on anxiety medication because of what I’ve been going through, so we jointly decided to break up.
I’m inconsolable. But relieved. Thank you both for your words.
?July 27, 2019 at 1:04 am #305147
thank you for your contribution.
you seem to have misinterpreted what I have said. We are not using sex to fix the relationship. The romantic relationship is fixed, we are experiencing sexual problems, which is more a business rooted in the mind. Not only an emotional one.
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Sexual challenges are a big thing, but I think it’s not the end of a relationship because it can be navigated. I’m just expressing that it has become difficult to try and navigate it because we both feel under a lot of pressure to perform.</span></p>
Yes, it may be medical. He hasn’t been for a check up yet.
I am willing to accept that he is not the right person for me, but I truly don’t believe it right now. We really are great together otherwise.July 27, 2019 at 12:48 am #305145
just to confirm, I’m referring to the same incident. I dealt with the brunt of it in March because I was still writing exams in February and couldn’t really focus too much on the affair at the time, so I refer to it as having happened in March only because that is when I truly dealt with it, but it happened in early February.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>His plans have not changed. He is still moving in August.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I perceive him to genuinely regret having betrayed my trust and not having been honest. I’m not happy that he cheated on me but we have come out the other side in a much better place. We communicate a lot better, we’re more vulnerable in ways we never have before, he’s reassured me that he is as committed as I am to being together because we are great together and we love each other. I wouldn’t say my trust is fully restored but I have committed to making us work.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I also believe that my judgment is in tact because he has been able to relay how he feels a lot and that has allowed me to make decisions based on what’s real and that affirms to me that my judgment is good. Therapy has however helped me accept that human beings can shock you sometimes and when they do, I should be able to receive it just as that, and not account it to who I am. I can’t foresee everything and that says nothing about my judgment.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I can also play a role in adopting poor judgment by not addressing uncomfortable issues. The latter is what I did because his reason for cheating stemmed from the sex problems, which I also took issue with but didn’t express to him.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Overall, he is a great man and who has owned up to his mistakes. I do trust my perception of his feelings and commitment towards me now. I would just like to figure out how we fix the sex issues because we both want to.</p>
February 28, 2019 at 9:25 am #282211
You cannot continue speaking to my heart like thi! Lol 4 years into it, and still. I have been hoping you would respond to this.
Wow. You have read my heart. I don’t believe, even if we gave it a fair shot, that I will feel secure enough to continue a long distance relationship with him. Even if he seems to change his behaviour now and it seems he has chosen to treat our relationship with the dignity it deserves, my perceptions of him and our relationship have been thrown so off kilter that I cannot trust my judgment enough or believe that he would’ve truly changed. I will always wonder. Once bitten, twice shy. I can forgive that he is human, but I will always consider that he has betrayed me.
thank you for reaffirming a position that rings true to who I am. Your words have resonated deeply. And thank you for your kind words of healing, as always.
?February 27, 2019 at 9:01 pm #282127
Thank you for your thoughts.
I agree, I will be staying at my place.
He has reassured me that he wants to change his behaviour because he values our relationship and does not want to lose me. To be honest, I was more concerned about what lead him to entertain exes than I was on the reasons for him wanting to change. That is a great point.
He has broken all forms of communication with the ex.
I’m most interested in determining your last paragraph. How do I achieve this. I don’t know why I should trust him again. Well, bearing in mind that he chose to do this right beside me, I fear the worst for us being in different time zones. It is not reassuring to me that I have access to his phone because I am not that person. It will not validate that he is trustworthy to me.March 8, 2018 at 11:01 am #196385
Absolutely yes. I will be sending that message very clearly.
Your words are appreciated.March 8, 2018 at 10:56 am #196383
Poppyxo – Spot on.
I have had the conversation with my boyfriend, he advised that I do what I feel will benefit me in the end. Which is true. Initially, I’d thought my silence would be self-explanatory, but it seems to have given the adverse effect of giving him hope. I will have to send him a text to say as you’ve all advised because he is being quite intrusive at this point and my family members do not need to be roped into anything. Particularly because I don’t need to either.
thank you for your words.March 8, 2018 at 10:48 am #196381
CBD- forgive me but you have completely misunderstood. And false-diagnosed.
Your purview that indifference is the cookie cutter emotion for having moved on is very imposing. You cannot define for anyone other than yourself what moving on from a past relationship looks like. Well, at least not for me.
One can communicate their position to an ex-lover without being hateful or insensitive and that is what I wanted advice on. I have indeed moved on.
He has not done so. I was just updating to state that my silence did not work in this particular instance.March 7, 2018 at 11:25 am #196257
You couldn’t have been any more precise. He has resorted to texting my family. Asking for “advice” regarding me.
He is definitely desperate, but I’m definitely feeling like my silence is aggravating the issue. He’s clearly out of touch with reality and disillusioned about who he still is to me.
Urgh. What. To. Do.November 12, 2017 at 9:23 pm #177849
Thank you Brandy!
I don’t want him to think that the reason I don’t want to engage him anymore is because I have a boyfriend, that’s not it at all. I don’t want to speak to him because it won’t serve me, it’ll only be to help him, which I don’t owe him. I stopped caring a very long time ago, which took a lot of work. And I did that on my own. He must help himself move on too.November 12, 2017 at 9:18 pm #177845
Urgh, Inky. THANK YOU.
He repressed his loss and now he can’t avoid it. He has to do the emotional labour now. Explaining why I don’t want to speak to him or that I don’t want to also makes me feel like a landfill for his emotional waste. Like I must still reason for you WHY I don’t owe you a conversation?
He can go see a shrink. Call a hotline. I don’t owe him anything.
Thank you, again! ?November 12, 2017 at 9:11 pm #177843
Thank you Anita!April 15, 2016 at 5:51 am #101928
I just want to thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart. I felt the warm embraces in your words and every single time I have turned to the forum for great advice, I have received it like a cleansing, so thank you for that.
As for the ex, I did not acknowledge him at all. Im a very vocal person normally and will not be apprehensive to tell others how their actions have made me feel, but that’s only towards people who care for me. I don’t believe that his actions warranted any response from me, because he actually doesn’t care for me, and the pseudo-concern did not deserve any response, I feel. He doesn’t get to ask me a thing at all, and he is not entitled to even a single hello from me. I don’t owe him the high road. And not responding made me feel better.
I realized that underlying this post is not only the ex, but that it has more to do with how I perceive my failure and how that changes the perception I have of who I am. I also still do care so much about what he thinks about me which is why I allowed myself to feel like I “failed” and that is what I should be working on.
Thank you for reminding me that my destiny is far greater than the manipulation of failure has ever taught me. And that it happens. But that I shouldn’t allow it to define me. That “where you are is not who you are”.
It’s all part of the journey I guess.
Blessings and hugsAugust 11, 2015 at 7:37 am #81633
It’s also been 3 months since our breakup surprisingly. I’m really just trying. I think my ex and yours were cut from the same cloth, and so are we. I’m just as compassionate, even after our breakup because even through all of this, I care for him. I don’t see anything wrong with that.
I’m working on myself and learning to be single. I’m definitely not ready to date, I don’t think I will be ready for a very long time lol but I do look forward to the day that I am.
I fortunately don’t see him at all for now. We were both studying in his hometown, and when he graduated and found work in my hometown, he moved there. So I don’t have to see him until I move back home at the end of the year. But I still have to face his friends and the 5 years we spent everywhere around this city. We made memories everywhere and everything reminds me of him. I actually live a couple of houses from his mom’s house (whom I was really close to) and I see her from time to time. Having to adopt the mentality that we are strangers kills me but such is life it seems.
I think we will be okay though. We just need hobbies, or something we can be passionate about. Gravitate all this energy towards something good and uplifting for ourselves. I think that will be helpful.
I don’t know if this is too much of a stretch, but I would love to know how you’re doing a couple of months from now. I’ll definitely return to this post to reflect on the progress I’ve made and say how I’m doing. I’ll keep you in my heart and pray we both find peace. This really has been therapeutic for me. Thank you.
TayAugust 11, 2015 at 12:25 am #81622
Hi there Annie,
You have no idea how much your contribution is appreciated. I’ve been needing to hear from someone who has had similar experience as mine. School has been tough but I’m trying to be tougher. Yes, he is a year older than me. And I know that we are really young and need to go through a whole lot more respectively, it just saddens me that we’ll do so apart. The reason we dated in the first place was because our values and standing on relationships were the same. We wanted to achieve our goals first before thinking about marriage and the like. But we wanted to do so together.We wanted to grow through things together. Or so I thought.
I really doubt that I will reach out to him though. I don’t know about that. I think you’re stronger than me in that respect. He’s really cowardly and expecting him to give me answers seems like a dead end to me. I have just accepted that sometimes you have to forgive and accept apologies you never got. I also feel that should he want to return, it should be off his own accord. Uninspired by my initiative to reach out to him. That would be the only way I will know for sure that he is genuine. I’m not willing to compromise myself for him anymore.
How are you right now though? Do you communicate with him/ are you friends?