November 12, 2017 at 9:05 am #177761
it has been too long since I contributed on tiny Buddha, unbelievable seeing as it returned so much peace and sanity to me after a breakup with a man I believed to be the love of my life.
this man broke up with me over the phone a week before my final law exams. After 5 years of effort and planning and loving to the bone. He left me without an explanation. I failed one exam which in turn caused me to repeat a year. And I fell apart. But I have now graduated from law school, found a job at a reputable law firm and just found out I’ve passed my board exams and am due to be admitted as an attorney soon.
I am also hopelessly in love with a remarkable man who sees me, respects me and never fails to assure me that my love for him is requited.
save for a text message on my graduation day, my ex has not spoken to me since the day we broke up. He apologized for how he broke up with me and wished me well. I thanked him and moved on. It has been 2 years since the breakup and I’ve just received a text from him asking me if we can meet up and talk.
I do not know what to make of this but my first feeling about it is that I do not want to do this. I have worked so hard to fall out of love with him and assure myself that I am indeed loveable. I had to forgive him not having received any apologies and I reached a point where I was truly peace with what happened. And now here he comes, wanting to talk. I just feel like if I do this, it will be in accommodation of his feelings and his peace. I had to do that work alone, even though he owed me a conversation. I never got one. And I survived.
I want him to understand that I have moved on from those days. How do I relay that to him without seeming as though I’m still bitter about the breakup?November 12, 2017 at 10:42 am #177783
Welcome back and congratulations for graduating from law school, for passing the bar exams and finding a job with a reputable law firm!
Reads to me that a talk with him will not benefit you. Having felt bitter about the breakup and then accommodating him when it does not benefit you, may trigger that bitterness. If I was you, I would respond with a simple, short statement, neutral of emotion, such as: “this is not a good idea. I choose to not have further contact with you”. That is all.
anitaNovember 12, 2017 at 11:40 am #177791
I’ve learned over the years is that Silence is its own Response.
He texted you. Now he’s waiting with baited breath for you to emotionally accommodate him.
But he will justifiably receive No Response. Radio Silence.
First he will wonder if you blocked him. Then he’ll wonder if you ever got the message. Then he’ll wonder if you changed your number.
Now he will have a dilemma: He can try AGAIN and risk looking like a jerk or desperate (he is), or he can contact you at your law firm and look like a stalker.
That is how you Not Talk to him without Looking Bitter. You instead look like a person in a power position.
P.S. If you don’t want to do the above, “Quien es?” is the other option.November 12, 2017 at 2:30 pm #177803
So you want him to understand that you have moved on, but you don’t want to seem as though you are still bitter about the breakup. I think I’d text him back and tell him that you are now in a committed relationship with another man (this is true, right?) and that it wouldn’t be right for you to meet with him one-on-one.
BNovember 12, 2017 at 9:11 pm #177843
Thank you Anita!November 12, 2017 at 9:18 pm #177845
Urgh, Inky. THANK YOU.
He repressed his loss and now he can’t avoid it. He has to do the emotional labour now. Explaining why I don’t want to speak to him or that I don’t want to also makes me feel like a landfill for his emotional waste. Like I must still reason for you WHY I don’t owe you a conversation?
He can go see a shrink. Call a hotline. I don’t owe him anything.
Thank you, again! ?November 12, 2017 at 9:23 pm #177849
Thank you Brandy!
I don’t want him to think that the reason I don’t want to engage him anymore is because I have a boyfriend, that’s not it at all. I don’t want to speak to him because it won’t serve me, it’ll only be to help him, which I don’t owe him. I stopped caring a very long time ago, which took a lot of work. And I did that on my own. He must help himself move on too.November 12, 2017 at 10:16 pm #177857
Very well said. Yep, I totally see your point.
BNovember 13, 2017 at 5:23 am #177889
Good for you, Bonni_mor in your decision not to do emotional labor!