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Ex who I haven’t seen in two years “wants to talk”

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Gabrielle 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #177761

    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Hi everyone!

     

    it has been too long since I contributed on tiny Buddha, unbelievable seeing as it returned  so much peace and sanity to me after a breakup with a man I believed to be the love of my life.

     

    this man broke up with me over the phone a week before my final law exams. After 5 years of effort and planning and loving to the bone. He left me without an explanation. I failed one exam which in turn caused me to repeat a year. And I fell apart. But I have now graduated from law school, found a job at a reputable law firm and just found out I’ve passed my board exams and am due to be admitted as an attorney soon.

     

    I am also hopelessly in love with a remarkable man who sees me, respects me and never fails to assure me that my love for him is requited.

    save for a text message on my graduation day, my ex has not spoken to me since the day we broke up. He apologized for how he broke up with me and wished me well. I thanked him and moved on. It has been 2 years since the breakup and I’ve just received a text from him asking me if we can meet up and talk.

    I do not know what to make of this but my first feeling about it is that I do not want to do this. I have worked so hard to fall out of love with him and assure myself that I am indeed loveable. I had to forgive him not having received any apologies and I reached a point where I was truly peace with what happened. And now here he comes, wanting to talk. I just feel like if I do this, it will be in accommodation of his feelings and his peace. I had to do that work alone, even though he owed me a conversation. I never got one. And I survived.

    I want him to understand that I have moved on from those days. How do I relay that to him without seeming as though I’m still bitter about the breakup?

    #177783

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bonni_mor:

    Welcome back and congratulations for graduating from law school, for passing the bar exams and finding a job with a reputable law firm!

    Reads to me that a talk with him will not benefit you. Having felt bitter about the breakup and then accommodating him when it does not benefit you, may trigger that bitterness. If I was you, I would respond with a simple, short statement, neutral of emotion, such as: “this is not a good idea. I choose to not have further contact with you”. That is all.

    anita

    #177791

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bonni_mor,

    I've learned over the years is that Silence is its own Response.

    He texted you. Now he's waiting with baited breath for you to emotionally accommodate him.

    But he will justifiably receive No Response. Radio Silence.

    First he will wonder if you blocked him. Then he'll wonder if you ever got the message. Then he'll wonder if you changed your number.

    Now he will have a dilemma: He can try AGAIN and risk looking like a jerk or desperate (he is), or he can contact you at your law firm and look like a stalker.

    That is how you Not Talk to him without Looking Bitter. You instead look like a person in a power position.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    P.S. If you don't want to do the above, “Quien es?” is the other option.

    #177803

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Bonni_mor,

    So you want him to understand that you have moved on, but you don't want to seem as though you are still bitter about the breakup. I think I'd text him back and tell him that you are now in a committed relationship with another man (this is true, right?) and that it wouldn't be right for you to meet with him one-on-one.

    B

     

    #177843

    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!

     

    #177845

    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Urgh, Inky. THANK YOU.

    He repressed his loss and now he can’t avoid it. He has to do the emotional labour now. Explaining why I don’t want to speak to him or that I don’t want to also makes me feel like a landfill for his emotional waste. Like I must still reason for you WHY I don’t owe you a conversation?

    He can go see a shrink. Call a hotline. I don’t owe him anything.

    Thank you, again! ?

     

     

    #177849

    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Thank you Brandy!

    I don’t want him to think that the reason I don’t want to engage him anymore is because I have a boyfriend, that’s not it at all. I don’t want to speak to him because it won’t serve me, it’ll only be to help him, which I don’t owe him.  I stopped caring a very long time ago, which took a lot of work. And I did that on my own. He must help himself move on too.

    #177857

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Bonni_mor,

    Very well said. Yep, I totally see your point.

    B

    #177889

    Inky
    Participant

    Good for you, Bonni_mor in your decision not to do emotional labor!

    Stay Strong!

    Inky

    #196257

    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Update.

    You couldn’t have been any more precise. He has resorted to texting my family. Asking for “advice”  regarding me.

    He is definitely  desperate, but I’m definitely feeling like my silence is aggravating the issue. He’s clearly out of touch with reality and disillusioned about who he still is to me.

    Urgh. What. To. Do.

    #196261

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bonni_mor:

    It may be time to communicate to him that you are not interested, definitely, never will be interested. I don't think you communicated this to him so far (Nov 12: “I don't want to speak to him because it won't serve me, it'll only help him, which I don't owe him”), and tell him not to contact you or your parents in any way, shape or form.

    The reason I think that you should communicate that to him is so that if following your clear communication and firm assertive no contact statement, he makes contact again, then you can take legal action against him.

    You were angry at him, are you still?

    anita

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #333333; font-family: Arial,'Helvetica Neue',Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 14.53px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>I don’t want to speak to him because it won’t serve me, it’ll only be to help him, which I don’t owe him. </span>

    #196291

    CBD
    Participant

    The last sentence of your original post…I would suggest that the easiest way to convey that message is to not respond at all. Part of your dilemma here is you still have feelings for this guy. If you didn’t you wouldn’t have started this thread at all. Keep in mind what Elie Wiesel said “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference…” I am not saying you hate him or love him but you certainly aren’t indifferent toward him.

    With all that said, I sincerely doubt that there is any benefit to you to see or speak to this guy. It may simply stir up feelings that are best left for dead. No one here can tell you what is best for you, you are I am quite sure quite capable of that, but I can tell you to be good to yourself and part of that is sticking with people that are good to you, respect you, care for you and believe in you. His action a couple of years ago don’t fall into any of those categories.

    i wish you the best!

    #196319

    Poppyxo
    Participant

    CBD – I don't think that's true. She just asked how to word it because she was unsure of how too, that's fair. She's a decent person who doesn't like to hurt people's feelings & confuse the ex by saying something that may be read differently from him – I think anyway. I'm the same. My ex owes me money & I still struggle to communicate with him when I need too as I don't want him to stop paying or take what I say the wrong way.

    Bonni_mor – I agree with Anita, I think you need to say something a little more assertive, that you've moved on & don't feel like there's anything more to talk about type of text. Have you told your new boyfriend about this? I just worry that if you haven't & he finds out, it might cause problems for you.

    #196349

    CBD
    Participant

    You are correct Poopyxo, we dont know if that is true only Bonni_mor knows for sure. Also I don’t disagree with you at all regarding your paragraph to Bonni_mor.

    Bonni_mor being more forceful and direct can certainly drive your point home, my point is however sometimes saying nothing at all is more powerful than anything that can be said.

    My hope for you is that you are happy in your life now and in the future and to handle this the best way that brings you peace. We can all give advice/opinions, but what is important is how you feel about this when it’s all said and done.

    #196381

    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    CBD- forgive me but you have completely misunderstood. And false-diagnosed.

    Your purview that indifference is the cookie cutter emotion for having moved on is very imposing. You cannot define for anyone other than yourself what moving on from a past relationship looks like. Well, at least not for me.

    One can communicate their position to an ex-lover without being hateful or insensitive   and that is what I wanted advice on. I have indeed moved on.

    He has not done so. I was just updating to state that my silence did not work in this particular instance.

     

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