Hi, Crystal!

Your issue really resonates with me. I’m nineteen, and I have an older sister (20) who steals my clothes and three little sisters (16, 14, and 13) who also steal things like makeup, money, and random miscellanious things from me. Also like you, I find myself not knowing how best to handle it, because I don’t like fighting with people. You might even say I’m afraid of confrontation.

What I see here, is you feeling lost. You don’t know what to do. This is your house, your family. You feel disrespected and you’re losing trust fast. The situation sucks. I also see that you’re a genuinely nice person who doesn’t know what to do when she’s being walked all over! So, what’s a common thing for a nice person to do? Resort to passive aggression and hope everyone else will catch on. You’re trying to make your feelings known to your niece by telling your mom, hoping the niece is within earshot. You’re eavesdropping on your niece.

Passive Aggressive tendencies get a bad rep. The person is seen as manipulative, when really all it is, is an attempt to remedy a situation without anger. It’s usually ineffective.

What you need to do, is face your niece or your sister, or even both. If you’re afraid it’s going to end up in an argument or break the family apart, you can write a heartfelt letter. You can tell your niece how it hurts you and makes you feel like your niece doesn’t care about your feelings. You can tell her you understand where she’s coming from, the pressure to have all these cool things that really don’t matter, but being unable to afford them. You can tell her you value your relationship with your niece more than the makeup, so you forgive her, but wish she would show you the respect you deserve by either asking to use your stuff or simply stop taking them.

If that fails, get a lock for your door (not the kind where you can just pop the lock). What’s happening here, is your niece is at that hard age. She’s sixteen. She wants to be accepted and respected by her peers, wants to be popular. So, she takes your things and doesn’t think about how that will affect you. It’s all stuff for her appearance that she’s taking, right? It’s a product of adolescence. Don’t take it personally.

With the door locked and you have the key, she’s going to have to face herself. She won’t be able to keep getting all these cool things to aid herself and her aesthetic anymore. She’s going to have to see that she doesn’t need those things. And, you’ll have essentially put a stop to the behavior without having to do the heavy lifting. There’s nothing more she can do. She will see she can’t tread on you! She’ll have to see what she’s done: pushed you and your patience past the limit.

Best of luck!