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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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    Hi Anita,

    It’s funny I think there are many similarities with how I felt growing up, but I was very emotionally numb as a child and have mostly successfully avoided my mother as an adult. I have never experienced this kind of outward emotional instability with crying and everything.

    The biggest similarity I see is that my boyfriend, like my mother, has good intentions. He never intends to hurt me but hurts me anyways. Then it’s followed by lots of reassurance – affection, “I love yous,” talks about fun things we’ll do in the future. A very similar pattern to my mother, though of course the arguments were different (my boyfriend has not yelled at me or anything like that).

    t
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I think this is a great analysis. We’ve talked about this topic very generally, and he’s aware of it, at least a little. He’s pretty emotionally disconnected and tells me he often doesn’t know what he’s feeling until after the emotion has passed. I’m not sure about the sex bit because he has no worries having sex at night. Maybe he feels better because it’s late, dark, we are sometimes a little drunk, and all that makes it easier to handle.

    I think maybe he’s found this relationship unexpectedly demanding (his only other relationship was long distance and they only saw each other a few times a year), and he hasn’t been able to fully cope. And I am very sensitive and anxious to begin with, so I haven’t handled it well either. I’m bothered by how much has been lurking and have been feeling very emotional and pessimistic lately.

    t
    Participant

    Hi Roberta and Anita –

    Thank you so much for your replies. To clarify, these plans were a text conversation that took place over two days. I do think I have been pressing him a lot, but in many cases I’ve been glad I have. I thought this particular conversation was beneficial because he explained that he didn’t understand why I wanted him to be honest instead of giving an excuse. And I hopefully was able to explain my side to him.

    I’ve been reflecting a lot on some other issues that I pushed him to reveal and am seriously reconsidering the relationship. One was that (NSFW) he mentioned that he often felt terrible after having sex in the mornings, like he wasted the entire day. And he began avoiding spending time with me to avoid this problem. In the past, we had many conversations about how I felt he wasn’t spending time with me, and he told me that he was just slightly depressed, bad at planning, etc so I feel blindsided by this. We were both initiating sex, and when I initiate I always explicitly ask for consent.

    He has said that it wasn’t that he didn’t want sex, but that it made him feel unproductive and lazy afterwards. And he told me he would tell me if he ever truly didn’t want sex. These types of distinctions seem very important to him – actually a similar communication issue to when we were making plans. (“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go to your plans, it was that I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the planned activity. I would tell you if I actually didn’t want to do something.”) I am trying to understand his perspective but really struggling.

    I have felt very hurt and guilty in the last few days. I’m second guessing a lot of things he’s told me. I don’t think he has ever had any intent to deceive me, but as you said Anita, has some conflict avoidant habits that are creating problems and triggering my anxieties. I’m not sure how to move forwards.

    t
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The most recent conflict from my end was: I invited him to plans and he gave a weird, clearly fake semi-excuse, then invited me to the same plans that he just said had a time conflict with my plans. (I feel that this is so vague so in more detail, he said something like “I might be going to dinner with x so I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it, but you guys should definitely come to dinner!”). My plans were for 3pm and never would’ve interfered with dinner and we ended up going to both. The situation was a little more complicated but that’s mainly what happenef.

    This annoyed me a lot because I have repeatedly told him just to tell me if he doesn’t want to do something. He will insist that he doesn’t have any doubts and was giving a legitimate excuse, until I push harder and he admits that he had a lot of concerns about my plans. Then we had a conversation about why I want him to be more straightforward with me, and he says he thinks that’s reasonable and will try harder.

    He has held really big concerns without bringing anything up, and I also sense that something is happening right now which is upsetting me as well – he is giving little hints but I think is unable/unwilling to explicitly address it.

    My overreactions start as just emotional pain and lead to thoughts like: this relationship is not going to work, and I am destroying myself staying. My boyfriend isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship. I know this is bad for me so I should initiate a breakup. To be clear, I don’t have these thoughts when I’m feeling well (obviously), but I also have brought up so much with him and want to give the relationship a chance to settle and grow before ending things. But sadly I’m not sure that any of my thoughts are wrong.

    t
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita,</p>
    Thanks for sharing, the dedication you’ve had to healing is really impressive.

    On the topic of CBT – this was one of the things that just didn’t work for me at therapy. I can usually tell when I’m assuming and/or overreacting. But with my boyfriend, he admits that I’ve been right every time I’ve been upset with him. For example I could tell when he was avoiding me despite him saying everything was okay, and it took multiple efforts at talking and expressing that it was hurting me for him to admit what was going on. My problem wasn’t that he might want some space, but more that I wanted him to be upfront with me about it. This pattern has repeated in smaller incidents. Such as, he will give very slow text responses to plans when he feels some hesitation about them, but he has never explicitly communicated that until later.

    So I don’t think my problem is that I’m imagining things, but more that I overreact emotionally if that makes sense. He has promised to work on communication and I’ve noticed he’s been more open with me recently so I want to be more patient and give him a chance to change. With some of these issues, they’re so minor and I want to stay calmer despite feeling frustrated.

    I definitely want to look more into mindfulness. Meditation skills have helped me a lot in the last few years and from my understanding mindfulness is similar. And I totally understand how increased social interaction can help. I have always felt my anxiety and people pleasing tendencies worsen when feeling isolated and lonely. I’m glad you’ve been able to build a community, these forums have been so helpful to me too even in this short period of time.

    I’m happy to hear that going no contact has helped you – I’ve thought a lot about this and will probably also take that path eventually. It’s such a difficult decision to make.

    t
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    Thank you for the reply. I have tried addressing things in therapy in the past, and I believe therapy could be helpful. It’s just been hard to find a therapist I really click with. I’m not sure that talk therapy has much to offer me and am considering trying a different modality.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>The thing is – I have been engaging in self care pretty effectively aside from some trouble sleeping on especially upset days. I don’t feel like I’m depressed or unhappy overall. Of course there’s stress and normal ups and downs, but my life is full and happy with all the basics covered (health, exercise, social life, interests). I think you’re right about therapy because I feel like I’ve exhausted everything I know how to do.</p>

    t
    Participant

    Since we’ve had similar experiences, I would love to hear what has helped for you in healing from your past if you’d be comfortable sharing.

    t
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Wow, I’m glad I’m not the only one with this experience but sad you had to go through that. It’s a hard way to grow up.

    I’ve put a lot of work into building healthy friendships and improving my own communication skills which has helped me a lot. But I know I have a long way to go in healing.

    I tried talk therapy in the past and had some bad experiences which make me reluctant to go back. One therapist was, in my opinion, manipulative and abusive. The others I’ve tried have been kind but weren’t able to help me improve my emotional control.

    t
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I agree that this relationship is triggering past wounds. Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read others and try to keep them happy, and I assume a lot from little things.

    My boyfriend struggles with communication and is not straightforward with me about his emotions and needs. He is a very different person from my mother and would never become angry like that, but his behavior has similarities that put me on edge.

    We have talked about this issue (and many others), and I feel he’s made a genuine effort to understand me and work on changing his behavior. He did promise to text back faster which immediately happened. He has promised to be more intentional about spending time with me, which I feel is slowly improving.

    Emotional regulation is what I’m really struggling with – he has some real problems but I shouldn’t be bringing in so much past baggage. I am trying the normal things to calm down – taking walks, exercising, distraction, meditating, spending time with friends – which have helped a little but often just result in me crying in public.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)