Ah thanks Anita,  re-reading it I can totally see it that way. Nightwolf, I have no problem with your username, i’m sorry it came across that way. I can see why you would be offended. For the record, if anything I would have assumed you were into supernatural fiction (like werewolves and vampires and witches, oh my!) which I wouldn’t insult someone for( Terry Pratchett anyone?). As a (mildly) interesting aside I have been doing night shifts in a hospital for 6 years myself (though not in a nursing capacity yet) and the rest of my career has been in aged care. 33 years a nurse is impressive.

I think much of what you say is uncomfortably true,  I didn’t mean to blow anyone off though, not consciously at least.Maria was too nice for my subconscious to take, it likes to tell me that the words ‘deserve’ and ‘need’ don’t apply to me, i’m trying to train it otherwise. I deserve to be able to do things I want to…right? Even if others don’t understand or approve. Kadija has some good advice there, it’s just so hard getting rid of the desire to attract a partner, i’m not sure how to begin that. Women tend to occupy my thoughts whether I want them too or not, but i’m working on mindfulness and only paying attention to the thoughts I want to think or should be thinking, it seems it’s going to be a longish process but a start is a start.

You ask me “What is the worst thing that could happen if you spent your life alone? ” I would never be able to find the love I have had in the past, and I want that back in my life. Which makes me jump at chances I should pass up while ignoring those I feel I don’t deserve, as you say it’s a vicious cycle and I have to stop it myself.  I have pushed away advances in the past through being too insecure to see them as that until later, like if a girl at a party says she likes me I tend to ask why instead of pursuing things further, which it’s easy to see isn’t exactly attractive or inviting.  I also found out (in the last few days) that one of my ex’s was a closet lesbian which goes a long way to explaining her confusing behaviour. I’m taking all this advice on board, trying to get rid of the negative thoughts and doing things *I* want to do to be happy. My emotions have been a bit all over the shop lately with multiple deaths in the family (all separate incidents no mass accident or anything) and I should focus on healing my thoughts and feelings instead of getting all worked up over being single.

Thank you for your very frank advice I will do as much as I can with it, everyone here in fact has been more than helpful.

Thank you Anita, Some hard truths there.

Thinking on it a lot and pushing aside my defences I can be too eager to please. I’m a bit weird and get bullied a lot for it even as an adult, so I try not to be me I suppose. Feelings of inferiority run deep and are hard to correct. Thinking about it more I guess I’m scared of making my partner angry, maybe something to do with my childhood (My mothers favourite punishment for us when smacking didn’t work was to run away from home for a day or so, and my step Dad used to be a violent man). In fact our family life is a bit of a mess with put downs being the main form of communication between us; both my sisters have moved interstate to avoid that. I also think you are right about women abusers, my last girlfriend was very manipulative and one of my sisters kept telling me I could do better but I couldn’t bring myself to listen. It’s hard to admit but I guess I can be a bit of a doormat.

Maria, A lot of my frustration comes from the feeling you say there, I have to go through this, and I know it’s petty and self absorbed to feel like this but that’s a big part of it. Why do ‘I’ have to go through this lonely stage? No one else I know has been single this long, not the worst people I ever hung out with, not even the people with crippling social disorders. How will understanding myself help? I believe you, I just don’t know how it will help.

Bernadette, I want to focus more on myself I just don’t know how. Could you give some pointers as to your mental process in this?

Thanks again everyone, some very thought provoking stuff and I believe it will help. This is quite the community of helpful people.

Anita, thank you for taking the time to reply to me,

I agree that it is better not to try to fit such a motivation but all the men I know who do are never alone, they usually have a SO and several ladies on the side and women seem to fight for the chance to be in that situation. I’ve genuinely been told i’m “too good” before (a few times) but I’m not even close to that and it makes no sense to me, it just hurts to hear. I try to be glad I’m not abusive but abusive men are very much in demand so it’s hard.

I’m trying to set up an online dating profile but reading what women say about the men on it just makes me scared to upload pictures of myself to it (i’m no oil painting) and not having pictures is even worse. I don’t understand the emphasis on appearance, possibly because I have not much to offer in that regard.

I think a lot of the negativity I feel comes from having my heart broken some years ago, and when i do manage to get a conversation happening I always get the same feeling of impending dread I felt when I could see it was coming (a few minutes before it happened, over the phone). I don’t have many friends because I feel I can’t trust them after this same woman cheated on me at a party, in my own house, with all my friends and even some family there and none of them called her out on it or even had the courage to tell me about it (I was out of town working, to save up for us to travel overseas). Or apologise about the inaction or even acknowledge they could have till roughly 5 years later. I know it wasn’t a pleasant situation for them but they know and knew I wouldn’t have done that to them because I have called cheaters out before and since, and I didn’t turn my back on them they just chose her over me. I feel like there is something truly terrible and repulsive about me that no one wants to tell me.

Sorry for being so self pitying, and possibly leaning toward misogyny in places I just feel so hopeless and helpless. I try to be positive and I’m working on building a life for myself it just feels completely pointless when I’ve always wanted a family.