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  • #180087
    A.J
    Participant

    I’ve been completely alone romantically since a bad break , every woman i talk to has nothing but nice things to say about me personally (of course ignoring friend teasing) but everyone i ask out ‘just doesn’t want something right now’ (then hooks up with someone else) or ‘just doesn’t see me that way’ and it’s making me suicidal at this point. I have no problem making women laugh, having a good time or supporting them emotionally, but all of them just seem to want to look for the good in men who really don’t deserve it. The last woman i asked out has since become close friends with me and the stories she tells me about men using her body make me feel sick, one for example ‘uses her face until it hurts her’, but she’s holding out hope that he will turn out to like her as much as she likes him. She wouldn’t even give me the chance of a single date. The last woman i had an emotional relationship with left me for a man who’d just gotten out of jail for beating his previous partner into hospital in front of their children. The last actual relationship i had fell apart because she felt having a boyfriend ‘limited her options’. I feel so alone and miserable and i have no hope anymore. 8 years without even holding hands let alone a kiss let alone someone to love and i feel like I’ve hit emotional rock bottom. I just don’t know what to do anymore and women never give me a chance. Yea i’m a little bit ugly, but i have a stable job and i’m independent. I’m told that I’m funny and have a great heart and that I’m intelligent but no one wants me even a little.

    #180205
    anita
    Participant

    Dear A.J:

    When a woman is motivated to turn an abusive man into a loving, kind man, then I hope you are glad that you don’t fit such a requirement, that is, that you are not an abusive man.

    And it  is  better of course to not attempt to fit such motivation. Better to appeal to a different motivation, a woman’s motivation to laugh (you wrote you are funny), to be loved (you suggested that you have “a great heart”), and have intelligent conversations.

    How do you find a woman motivated by the latter? Possibly if you joined a dating site and post a profile indicating just that, the motivation you are looking  for in a woman, you may get responses from women who are indeed motivated to meet you.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    #180233
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi A.J.,</p>
    First off, you’re not alone-even if it feels like it! If you don’t mind me asking, have you considered that the girls you are approaching are not the right kind of girl for you?

    From your description it seems like each girl is just really unavailable from the start and isn’t at all capable of reciprocating your kindness. If you want love and companionship, you’ll have to look towards someone who who can provide that for you. Big question is why are you chasing girls who can’t give you love when that’s all you want? You’ll have to look hard at yourself to figure that out.

    I’ve seen you comment on here before on other posts, you certainly do seem to have a big heart! Someday, I know you’ll get to share that with someone who takes care of it, just make sure you choose wisely.

    Much Love and Best of luck,

    -Maria

    #180241
    Leandra Nightwolf
    Participant

    A.J., I have been alone for 13 yrs. and know how you feel. I’ve been on dating sites and they are not right either. You have all the qualities I am looking for and I wish I could find someone like you. I hope you will keep looking and like others said, try to figure out why you are approaching the wrong kind of women.

    #180245
    A.J
    Participant

    Anita, thank you for taking the time to reply to me,

    I agree that it is better not to try to fit such a motivation but all the men I know who do are never alone, they usually have a SO and several ladies on the side and women seem to fight for the chance to be in that situation. I’ve genuinely been told i’m “too good” before (a few times) but I’m not even close to that and it makes no sense to me, it just hurts to hear. I try to be glad I’m not abusive but abusive men are very much in demand so it’s hard.

    I’m trying to set up an online dating profile but reading what women say about the men on it just makes me scared to upload pictures of myself to it (i’m no oil painting) and not having pictures is even worse. I don’t understand the emphasis on appearance, possibly because I have not much to offer in that regard.

    I think a lot of the negativity I feel comes from having my heart broken some years ago, and when i do manage to get a conversation happening I always get the same feeling of impending dread I felt when I could see it was coming (a few minutes before it happened, over the phone). I don’t have many friends because I feel I can’t trust them after this same woman cheated on me at a party, in my own house, with all my friends and even some family there and none of them called her out on it or even had the courage to tell me about it (I was out of town working, to save up for us to travel overseas). Or apologise about the inaction or even acknowledge they could have till roughly 5 years later. I know it wasn’t a pleasant situation for them but they know and knew I wouldn’t have done that to them because I have called cheaters out before and since, and I didn’t turn my back on them they just chose her over me. I feel like there is something truly terrible and repulsive about me that no one wants to tell me.

    Sorry for being so self pitying, and possibly leaning toward misogyny in places I just feel so hopeless and helpless. I try to be positive and I’m working on building a life for myself it just feels completely pointless when I’ve always wanted a family.

    #180247
    A.J
    Participant

    Maria, maybe you are right. I don’t know why I get caught up on these women other than they are the only ones to ever pay attention to me.Maybe it’s all i feel i deserve? I’ll have to have a long hard look inside. I’m not sure how to tell who’s right or wrong for me and it just seems to go in circles.

    Nightwolf that sounds unpleasant, I hope you manage to find what you are looking for. There are a lot of people in the world who are users without meaning to be and they can be hard to distinguish from the real thing

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me it’s very kind of you all

     

    #180249
    anita
    Participant

    Dear A.J:

    Reality is, from my experience, that there are no fewer abusive women than there are men. Men misusing women for sex only is more common than the other way around, culturally encouraged, but this is far from being the only abuse there is in supposed loving relationships and not necessarily the worst of all.

    The women you referred to on your thread are not necessarily pure victims, not likely. And so, it is not that… good women look for bad men and bad men are lucky to get those good women. Often the abuse goes both ways, sometimes it is mostly one way or all one way, be  the victim a man or a woman.

    Another point: when you were told by a few women that you are “too good”- I think it means that they were turned off by something about your behavior. Not by your looks, mind you. Is it that those women are turned off by goodness? Possible. But maybe there is something to it, to this too good comment.

    See, I don’t think there is such a thing as too much goodness or too much love. What could it be about your behavior, or the words that you say that is well… not so good?

    Possibilities (I have no evidence or reason to think that is true for you): a man may be “too good” if he complains a lot about how good he is and how he is unappreciated and misused.  Or a man may be “too good” if he okays everything a woman says, expresses no conflicting opinion or position, smiles all the time as in communicating: I’ll be anything you want, just love me!

    anita

    #180255
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    A.J.,

    You deserve what we all do and that is to have your needs met, so in this case-you deserve better.

    Don’t settle for those who simply pay attention to you. Wait, work on understanding yourself, read up about positive relationships, listen to podcasts, seek out more positive friends and role models in your life.

    The person that’s going to check all the boxes will appear right when they are supposed to if you do all this. Might take a couple of tries and you may have to wait for some time. The cool thing is the more you learn about yourself, the less alone you’ll feel while you wait for Ms.Right.

    And, how will you know when you’re on the right track? This link should give you an idea.  https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1608813

    Dont get me wrong, being alone sucks but you’re never truly as alone as you think. Keep writing, venting, and asking good questions here. You have to go through this but you don’t have to go through it alone- the TB community is here for you.

    Best Wishes,

    Maria

    #180279
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi A J

    from experience as the type of woman who are attracted to bad boys  I can for some woman  it’s the challenge to win and change this type of personality, to prove that to the world that ( I can change him ).

    I have also met nice guys who have a lot to offer in a relationship, somehow i have not been attracted to them, whenever I try to form a relationship it’s with guys who just had a break up, divorce, drinking problems, blaming woman for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.. I listen, give advice, nurse their wounds, be their best friend, all the time proving to them that not all woman are so bad.  But anyhow, eventually they cheat, lie  and abuse the comfort you offer. It is also hard to leave as you keep grasping to hold on to the picture in your head of the dream of a perfect relationship.  I am that type of woman you are describing in your post. You crave a good relationship but always end up with broken partners. I’ve read a lot of books on relationships trying to grasp my personality, could it be we are emotionally un available ?  All my relationships follow the same pattern, like one book describes, same man different names. Is it something from our childhood, past?  No confidence in ourselves?  One of my ex,describe the type of woman he wanted in his life when I met him,  after our break up he dated the opposite as this girl is from my village, as we live on a small island. she’s known as a cheater as she’s married and cheats on her husband and dates different guys at the same time.

    I can understand what you are going thru, I have taken time out from dating and I spend time doing things for myself and my two dogs who have been my best friends for some years now. I have also understand how to live alone as at first i had lots of fear on being alone, going from one relationship to another, I didn’t want to be alone for long, lately I have overcome some of this fear, I have started to spend time in nature which I enjoy a lot. Enjoy cooking meals for one and doing things for one.

    Maybe you should try not to think about having a relationship and spend time enjoying your own company without thinking  that you want someone in your life. Divert all this energy to nurture yourself  and think positively about you as a person and not the negatives that says I am not wanted, have nothing to offer anyone. It is not true, it’s the mental picture we have of ourselves, I’ve lived with this for most of my life, I had no confidence. I’m sure this reflects on others who talk to us..

    I am a beautiful woman, but I have this fear of what people thinks of my image,I criticise my image, I’ve done this for years, lately I’ve tried to stop this abuse to myself. Slowly I’m starting to understand that this is me, even if people reject me I’m still going to be myself. So don’t be too hard on yourself.

    Stay bless

    kadija

    #180329
    A.J
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, Some hard truths there.

    Thinking on it a lot and pushing aside my defences I can be too eager to please. I’m a bit weird and get bullied a lot for it even as an adult, so I try not to be me I suppose. Feelings of inferiority run deep and are hard to correct. Thinking about it more I guess I’m scared of making my partner angry, maybe something to do with my childhood (My mothers favourite punishment for us when smacking didn’t work was to run away from home for a day or so, and my step Dad used to be a violent man). In fact our family life is a bit of a mess with put downs being the main form of communication between us; both my sisters have moved interstate to avoid that. I also think you are right about women abusers, my last girlfriend was very manipulative and one of my sisters kept telling me I could do better but I couldn’t bring myself to listen. It’s hard to admit but I guess I can be a bit of a doormat.

    Maria, A lot of my frustration comes from the feeling you say there, I have to go through this, and I know it’s petty and self absorbed to feel like this but that’s a big part of it. Why do ‘I’ have to go through this lonely stage? No one else I know has been single this long, not the worst people I ever hung out with, not even the people with crippling social disorders. How will understanding myself help? I believe you, I just don’t know how it will help.

    Bernadette, I want to focus more on myself I just don’t know how. Could you give some pointers as to your mental process in this?

    Thanks again everyone, some very thought provoking stuff and I believe it will help. This is quite the community of helpful people.

    #180333
    anita
    Participant

    Dear A.J:

    You are welcome. Changing behaviors that are based on deep seated core  beliefs is difficult but possible. With changing behaviors you can change the “so alone” life circumstance. Little by little.

    anita

     

    #180869
    Leandra Nightwolf
    Participant

    Do you realize that you made a snap judgment of me based on my last name of Nightwolf?? I used that name b/c I’ve been a night nurse for 33 years and am very nocturnal. My favorite animal in nature is the wolf. Do you do this with everyone? Do you set yourself up for failure? You accept and at the same time blow off everyone’s post and cling to your negative thoughts and behaviors. You sound a bit codependent to me esp. coming from the childhood you did. Perhaps these women act like they do to you b/c YOU need to be abused and not b/c they are seeking an abusive man. Your self-esteem may be so low that that is all you know…to be abandoned and mistreated. Being a “people pleaser” is one of the hallmarks of codependency. People pleasers tend to move towards people who are going to treat them badly. It’s a vicious cycle. You don’t need pointers on how to focus on yourself just start doing it. Forget about others and do what pleases you. Accept yourself inside and out, do activities that make you happy, and stand up for yourself…no more doormat. I think Kadija made a lot of good points! What is the worst thing that could happen if you spent your life alone? You would still live and could have a great life all by yourself.

    #180883
    A.J
    Participant

    I apologise. I didn’t realise I had made a judgement call on you, I felt I was expanding on the matter at hand. What did I say that made you feel I judged you based off your screen name? Mine is named after a t.v show character, so i wouldn’t judge you on that at all.

    #180887
    anita
    Participant

    Dear A.J:

    I hope the member  you addressed answers you. I looked at the  exchange  between the two of you and I think I see the reason for the misunderstanding.

    She wrote: “I have been a lone  for 13 years…”.

    You answered her: “Nightwolf that sounds unpleasant.”

    Your “that”, in your mind, was her share  that she  has  been alone for 13 years. Your “that”.  in her mind, was her username. She thought you wrote that it  is her username that is unpleasant.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anita.
    #180921
    A.J
    Participant

    Ah thanks Anita,  re-reading it I can totally see it that way. Nightwolf, I have no problem with your username, i’m sorry it came across that way. I can see why you would be offended. For the record, if anything I would have assumed you were into supernatural fiction (like werewolves and vampires and witches, oh my!) which I wouldn’t insult someone for( Terry Pratchett anyone?). As a (mildly) interesting aside I have been doing night shifts in a hospital for 6 years myself (though not in a nursing capacity yet) and the rest of my career has been in aged care. 33 years a nurse is impressive.

    I think much of what you say is uncomfortably true,  I didn’t mean to blow anyone off though, not consciously at least.Maria was too nice for my subconscious to take, it likes to tell me that the words ‘deserve’ and ‘need’ don’t apply to me, i’m trying to train it otherwise. I deserve to be able to do things I want to…right? Even if others don’t understand or approve. Kadija has some good advice there, it’s just so hard getting rid of the desire to attract a partner, i’m not sure how to begin that. Women tend to occupy my thoughts whether I want them too or not, but i’m working on mindfulness and only paying attention to the thoughts I want to think or should be thinking, it seems it’s going to be a longish process but a start is a start.

    You ask me “What is the worst thing that could happen if you spent your life alone? ” I would never be able to find the love I have had in the past, and I want that back in my life. Which makes me jump at chances I should pass up while ignoring those I feel I don’t deserve, as you say it’s a vicious cycle and I have to stop it myself.  I have pushed away advances in the past through being too insecure to see them as that until later, like if a girl at a party says she likes me I tend to ask why instead of pursuing things further, which it’s easy to see isn’t exactly attractive or inviting.  I also found out (in the last few days) that one of my ex’s was a closet lesbian which goes a long way to explaining her confusing behaviour. I’m taking all this advice on board, trying to get rid of the negative thoughts and doing things *I* want to do to be happy. My emotions have been a bit all over the shop lately with multiple deaths in the family (all separate incidents no mass accident or anything) and I should focus on healing my thoughts and feelings instead of getting all worked up over being single.

    Thank you for your very frank advice I will do as much as I can with it, everyone here in fact has been more than helpful.

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