I relate to you on many levels. To start – my experiences growing up were very aggressive and traumatic and lacking in unconditional love, mature guidance, and directed support. Essentially I learned how to please every body else except for myself, and I was taught that taking care of oneself is selfish. (I am the adult child of a mother with NPD, or narcissist with personality disorder). I made some recent breakthroughs on my experience as I learned more about NPD, but that’s getting into a different can of worms.

I too have had not one, but two “love-you-from-a-distance” infatuations/fantasy lovers. The first person I was in high school. It was a tough time in my childhood, I was 14, freshman in high school (it’s 2009), and I saw her in the hallway during PE. From that moment on I was obsessed. I would look forward to PE every week day because I knew at some point I would see her in the hallway and every time it gave me an electric shock of endorphins when I saw her. I didn’t say anything to her for 6 months and I didn’t know any of the people that she hung out with so I simply looked forward to PE every day for the first half of the school year. Eventually I told my secret admiration to a close friend, she ended up giving my number to the girl (lets call her Shelby*) and we began talking that evening. She turned out to be the most abusive romantic interest I have ever been with. I still loved her, and it took about 6 years for me to realize that I love her, I always will love her, but she is not the person I want to be with. Today in 2016, after 6-7 years of being led-on and cheated on by her, there was even a whole 2 years she didn’t talk to me. Today in 2016 we are good friends. My feelings for her are the same. My heart still beats fast when I see her name come up on my phone. But I don’t have the desire to be with her anymore because I know she’s not the right person to be with in my life. I know if I am with her eventually she will find someone else. No matter how deeply I love her she is not the right person for me, but I still love her and support her as the role of a friend. Even in that two years she didn’t talk to me I still cared for her deeply. My love stands regardless of our relationship title.

Get this. I fell in love again. Someone else. I worked with him this time, but I was already in a long-term relationship (we lived together, a different man too). I fell so hard. Everything about this man was perfect for me in my eyes, too perfect. I didn’t believe he would actually be interested in me so I bit down my feelings (plus the fact I was in a relationship kept me quiet too). We eventually hung out and smoked together (something my then-boyfriend hated that I smoked, but this guy actually did it with me). Then I found out he was dating another coworker. I wasn’t hurt by that, but I have a strong belief that when someone is happy in a relationship you leave them alone and let them be happy. Don’t confuse them like Shelby did to me. So I left. I quit the job and moved a few hundred miles away. I still think about him a lot and I’m having a difficult time accepting that I made the best decision given the facts and the circumstances.

Was it a fantasy relationship? There definitely were aspects to both Shelby and (let’s call him Duke*) that were fantasies. For Shelby I thought she would just love having someone be loyal to her (she chronically chose toxic females). And Duke I thought he would be madly in love with me too and we would just naturally merge. The difference between the two situations is I never told Duke how I felt about him, we got to hang out, he was there for me when I was at my wits end with my relationship I had at the time, we are freakishly compatible. There were signs and signals he was into me, I don’t accept that it was a fantasy relationship through and through. There was something there, and it was real. I was making the healthiest decision for my self and for his sake. Yet I can’t help but feel like I should’ve at least told him “hey I have some real strong feelings for you, and I just need you to know how I feel so you can know.” I wish I would have layed my cards out on the table so to speak, because a lot of what bothers me is the “what if”
What if I had told him how I felt? I even treated him contrary to how I felt, I would just work with him as if he were every other person, because I knew he was in a relationship and I didn’t 1) want to be perceived as “thirsty” or trying to be a “homewrecker” I respect his relationship and 2) I didn’t know if he was happy/madly in love with this other girl and I wasn’t trying to take him away from that if that’s what he really wanted and 3) he’s a CATCH I wouldn’t want to hurt the other girl by “stealing her man” if he did have feelings for me to.
Then add on on top of everything that I’ve been told “if he really wanted to be with you he would be.”
He made an effort.
I iced him out.
I regret it.
I have a new reality to accept.