Hi Matt,

I have never commented on any forum post before but I came across yours and I feel like maybe I can give you a bit of a glimpse of what life down the road may look like for you if you get through this, and I am absolutely certain you will. First of all, you are a very well spoken young person (I’m now well into my 30’s so I remember what 20 was like) who clearly has a great deal of emotional intelligence. You are ahead of the game by recognizing the wrong doings of your mother and the effects that it has had on you. You also mentioned how you would not inflict pain on your little brother. I am sure your brother loves and needs you more than you could know. I’m sure your mother hasn’t been great to him either and you have in a sense been “war buddies”. I remember huddling in the bedroom with my little siblings when my parents were at war with each other and any one of us that crossed their path, I kept them safe until they were old enough, then I got help for myself and accidentally forgave my parents. I began to learn more of their childhoods and realized my mom and dad were still those hurt little children trying to get rid of the pain they carried with them all these years. Unfortunately they handed that pain on to us, as your mom has done to you. Now here you stand, her pain in your hands. The weight of it is heavy and you need to put it somewhere. If you were to hurt yourself, you would put that weight on your brother. That is not what you want so please reach out to talk to a pro about your thoughts of suicide. You need to, for him yourself and everyone that loves you, and those that will love you down the road that you have never met yet. I have done a lot of work on my own to free myself of my parents burdens but couldn’t have if I didn’t reach out for help when I needed it. Nobody’s life is as “normal” as portrayed. I can promise you that your war wounds have given you some positives in return. You probably have a great sense of humor and are empathetic to others. I promise you Matt, you have everything you need to get through this and one day you will find yourself standing in your kitchen taking a break from getting your kids breakfast to talk to a younger person that reminds you of what you felt was a hopeless time. It is not, you are almost on the other side. Get in touch with a professional, and work as hard as you can to build your life. A life where the pattern is broken. I believe in you. I apologize for the length, grammar etc. This isn’t my type of thing to comment but I feel like this is giving advice to my younger self. You will forgive in your own way, when you are ready. Take care of yourself and it all will fall into place. Please address the suicide thoughts though. Hugs