Dear anita,

Thank you for responding. I know I wasn’t happy when I initiated the break, I was overworked and stressed and the distance made everything worse. To top it off our schedules changed so we couldn’t even text unless one of us stayed up extremely late. I guess I wanted a break because I knew at that time I couldn’t give her the love and attention she deserved, so I thought it’d be better off for her if we split for a while.

I think you’re right in that if we did get back together before I had my meltdown and went to therapy that it would have happened again sooner or later, and probably be a lot uglier breakup. I just wish that I could show her how much she meant to me. Another thing I noticed is that while during breakups people sometimes only think about the good parts of their ex and not the bad. But since our relationship was primarily online, with only a few months really of actual contact, we had no bad times, no fights, no real issues that other couples have had, and that it feels like we never got to experience a full ‘real’ relationship.

As for therapy, I still attend it, though only monthly. I’ve learned that I’ve had depression and emotional issues stemming back from my childhood and teenage years. I never learned how to properly express or handle the emotions I’ve felt and mostly bottled up everything inside. If I would rate my life I’d say it would be a constant 4 out of 10, below average but not TOO terrible. I’ve never experienced strong emotions or connections to anyone besides Shannon, even my closest friends and family members. I’m trying to find out what my values are, since I’ve never solidified an identity for myself, I always tended to change who I am or was to fit the expectations of others so I have all these wants and desires and beliefs but I don’t know if they are truly mine or ones that I adopted. It’s been extremely difficult since I am living with my mom at the moment in the house I grew up in, and the painful memories that accompany it. But, I am moving out this weekend so I’m hoping that helps.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Throiath.