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tiny

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  • #363217
    tiny
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    Dear anita,

    My brothers father is already in jail. He might be getting out soon but I dont know if there is much i can do anymore because it was 3-4 years ago. The reason I even posted on here was because i know other people who went through these same things and saw the wrong in it and at the time i did but i still went with it and liked it at times. I do feel as if i was ok with too much and i feel that i let some of these things happen and never told anyone. Why was so obsessed with sexual things? I feel like a bad person at times. I dont remember a lot my childhood so i feel like a lot more happened i just cant remember. I have been depressed and i think i might have bipolar disorder. I have been suicidal and feeling as if i dont belong at times. Friends talk about their childhoods and i feel outta place or like some type of freak.

    #363205
    tiny
    Participant

    i havent**

     

    #363156
    tiny
    Participant

    Hi,

    This is very hard for me because i blame myself a lot for these events, but i am very happy to let this all out and try to forgive myself. I know this thread is old but its worth a shot.

    When I was 3 my mom married a man and he had a nephew that was 5-6 years older than me. I’m not sure when it started but i know its one of my first memories, so i had to be 2 or 3. We were all at my grandmas play in one of the spare rooms she had this really tall bed which at the time we could all fit under the bed he pulled out his penis and asked me to touch it which i dont remember being ok with necessarily but i could be wrong. This went on for 6 to 7 years and got worse we were always around each other and he would do it whenever he got the chance and eventually started performing anal on me. I remember thinking it was love after a while and thinking it was normal and liking it. I would ask him to kiss me at times and he would tell me it was wrong because we were cousins. Also my moms brother who was 8 years older then me use to play games that involved touching him and seeing him naked and i also dont remember when it started really but i know i was 3 or 4 when i had my first memory of it. This all being said i became interested is sex so much i always thought about it ever since i could remember. I would get the boys on the play ground to show me there genitals, explore sexual things with my neighborhood friends, my second cousin who was female use to kiss and finger each other sometimes and also my other family friend use to play kissing games under covers.¬† When i was about 9 I let my dog lick my genitals only once and it was weird idk why i did it. At maybe 10 or 11 i was living with my grandma and me and my little brother always slept with her in the middle of the night i woke up and i rubbed my little brother foot on my genitals not for long and idk why i did it ig i was just fucked up. Around that time i wanted attention because my mother was always looking for her next relationship and my dad was in prison pretty much my whole life and i just kept being dumped on family members to take care of me. I started talking to older men and lying to them about my age not always sexually but some of them yes. When i was 13 i had sex for the first time but i really got raped because i told him to stop, he was my age i continued i had sex with him maybe 2 more time because i didn’t want to catch another body. then i met up with one of the older guys i was talking to and had sex with them but i didn’t know it was going to happen because we really weren’t sexual but i felt uncomfortable staying no. When i was 14 i went to stay at my brothers grandparents and my brothers dad was there and he was feeling on me he had always done stuff like that but this time went farther. he was someone i thought i could trust and at this point in my life i thought this was the norm even though i knew it was wrong. He fingered me and kissed me. He would text me and i think we were in some weird kinda of relationship¬† that made me uncomfortable but i still went for it because i wanted love. I have grown to know the mistakes ive made and the wrong that i did. i dont completely understand why i was how i was. I dont know if its all my fault. I dont know if i am a bad person i have never hurt anyone or gotten anyone in trouble. i feel horrible for everything but if im a horrible person at least i got it off my chest i know i cant change the past but i would like to move on. i have done anything like that for a while almost 3 years and im in a happy relationship that has shown me healthy love and sex.

     

    and just encase i didnt say it i am a female and im 17 now.

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