Dear M,

I get where you’re coming from and I’ve been in the same situation. I did experience the pain that comes from breaking up with someone you love. Hurting a friend like that can be a traumatic experience. Just because you’re the one who decided to end it, doesn’t mean your heart isn’t broken too.

When I broke up with my ex, I tried very hard to ease his pain. I tried to be his friend when we both needed the time apart and it only made things worse. You can’t mourn the loss of a relationship when you’re still in one, even if it is just some sort of ‘let’s stay friends’ kind of thing. Things only got better for the both of us when I decided to end all contact. It’s been two years and we’re on good terms now.

As hard as it may be, you are not the one who can help him right now and he is not the one who can help you. If he wants space, give it to him. It may be the best thing for both of you. You need to focus on yourself right now and work through to your own grief and guilt. Both the grief and guilt will pass eventually, I know it may not feel like it now, but as all things in life, it will pass and something new will come along. Your ex will be fine and so will you. There are no right or wrong decisions to be made. You are not a bad person. You actually sound very caring. You did what you thought was best for both yourself and your ex-boyfriend. That is all that you can do in life. I wish you all the best and strength to get through this very difficult period.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by TinyLi.