Dear Melissa
I have just come across your dilemma after googling for advice on a remarkably similar problem that i also have.
I too am in a relationship with 2 children with a partner that has lied and cheated his way through life. He was married to a stripper who he told me he was divorced from when we got together then 6 months into my first pregnancy i found out he was still married to her. I forgave him, he finally got a divorce 2 years later and we continued our life together then after our second child last year i found out that he had been looking at porn sites and other women on facebook behind my back,then more i discovered a secret bank account of his that he receives money illegally into it, then i found out that he used to live here in my home town (he is from another country) with his wife and mother and father. So for nearly 5 years he has got all of his family and friends and partners etc to lie to me to cover his tracks and the worst is that he didnt even need to lie to me, why would i care that he used to live here before we even knew each other. He made be believe that after we met and he decided to move to this country to be with me it was such a big deal, he made me feel that i was so special to give up his ‘great life’ as he says to move to another country to be with me which was complete rubbish as he has already lived here for many years with his wife! I know that he continuously cheated and had affairs behind his wife’s back, he was a frequent customer of strip clubs, he used to be a strip club manager and even now he doesnt see anything wrong with going to those places even though he hasnt been since we got together (or at least i think). Its as if he has no morals, marrying strippers, lying for years to the mother of his children, receiving money illegally, porn, gambling the list goes on….. If i knew these things before we got together there is no way i would of got with him and settled down with him and most importantly had children with him. I do feel like i am better then him, i feel that i deserve better then this, i am a good person, I have always worked even with 2 small children and little family support, i have never lied to him. He now works away a few nights a week and i cannot stop thinking that he must be visiting strip clubs or hookers i just cannot allow myself to trust him again. He has never cheated on me, he doesnt go out without my socially, he tries so hard to provide for us financially and i do believe that he loves me but it doenst feel enough. I feel constantly irritated and angry with him for what he has done in the past, i am always thinking that he must of seen and been with some amazing looking women im sure being a strip club manager he has all sorts of sexual experiences and when i look at myself even though i am slim and attractive i just cannot accept that i am enough to please him. He shuts down when i try to talk to him about his past i want to know everything about him but also i know that when i do know it will only make me more disgusted with him, i do believe that deep down he is a good person now and maybe he has changed but i cannot help but feel cheated into thinking he was something that he isnt. I cannot ‘let go’ of his past, if we are watching tv and a stripper comes on in a programme i run to the kitchen as i cannot bear to see them and imagine him in that lifestyle of working around gorgeous naked bodies all day where sex was probably on tap for him being the club manager. I would never strip for him or dress sexy as i feel that there is no way i can measure up to a professional. I feel so tortured by my feelings of insecurity. If he had cheated on me i know i would walk but because he hasnt and he is a good dad and acts like a changed man since i found out his lies i feel stuck in an emotional dilemma, how do i accept his past and that it has nothing to do with me in the here and now or is it my inner voice, soul that is screaming at me to get out and find someone better. I feel that inner nagging feeling again like there is still more to discover, either that or now im just completely paranoid and so depressed its in my head….