Hi maria, firstly your not alone, im here and replying to your post after reading it I felt I had to just make you aware you are not alone.
I don’t have the experience to give you advice or give you direction with your life on theses forums but I am sure there is someone here to answer and help.
I do have experience of feeling suicidal and thinking about taking my life at an all time low in my life, however im here, replying to your post and feeling better than ever.