TeaK – good question. Part of it is fear, part of it is sadness, for all the bad he was also my best friend and we did have some really great times and that makes me very sad to lose that. We had plans for a future that we also won’t see happen – so it’s hard.

I feel lost because my stuff is scattered (storage, my house, the place I’m staying). My job is an hour and a half away from where I am staying – so I have to travel back and fourth once a week (thank goodness for working from home most of the time). Even my role at my job is shifting (away from design and into writing which is not what I want to do). So I feel like a lot of things are up in the air – I feel like a lot of my identity is shifting – which I know I really need pull that away from work – but it’s hard because I spend so much time working so it’s hard to not identify with it. I think the worst part is I’m not even sure what my dreams are anymore.

So I need to clarify. I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 years. I married almost three years ago. This was pre-covid. I agree with him  because I am so lost, I do feel selfish. My partner was both emotionally and to the end physically abusive. It only happened once but that was what got me to leave. I didn’t want to leave – my brother came to get me and I’ve been living here about three weeks. I thought he would get it – see that I left and take this seriously – profess his love and apologize and really. want to change – instead it’s been demands, anger, threats of suicide and more. There has not been an I love you or an I miss you – mainly attacks then “what was that brand you buy from the grocery.” It has disgusted me. I learn more every day – of the lies I have lived with about our marriage, wedding, relationship. There was no cheating – just lying about events, name calling and so on. I don’t know what I’m doing – I just know right now I am absolutely heart broken – and I just want to find my way back to myself – and purge this awful feeling out.