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LisaParticipant
Yes, respect and intention are everything.
Thank You, anita.
LisaParticipantThank you, anita,
I know I shouldn’t be offended when guys are sexually interested in me, but if that’s all they want, as a woman, it can be a little hurtful.
The more I think about it, this guy could also be on the Spectrum.
Thank you again for assisting me. As always, you have been a great help.
LisaParticipantHi anita,
I think you are right. He is conflicted. I think I was a different breed for him and he was trying to make sense of it all/me as I of him. I guess a man will be a man but the soldier part was indeed weird. Kiddish. Like, who does that? I guess age is just a number as he doesn’t seem to have much experience with women, either. Something like a man-child.
Also, I am not here to be used for anyone’s sexual desires so if he was only after one thing it would never of happened anyway!
I am just trying to solve what seems like a puzzle as this is on my mind constantly but I know I will release it soon/eventually (not my first go ’round.) I guess the bigger issue is how do I get out of this pattern? It’s always the same…with guys like this. They initially see me only for sex and then they get a BIG surprise…can’t handle it. Game on. I always say, don’t fall in love. HAHA.
LisaParticipantHi anita,
Thank you so much for responding.
Yes, on the trip there were about 30 of us and only 4 of us were Black, all women, two older (Seniors) and the other who was a bit closer to my age. I spoke up a lot on the trip, asking questions, sharing insights and thoughts on political/refugee issues, etc.
Yes, he is a Christian and I know he’s been around Black/Brown/People of color before. Not sure if he has any close friends or anything like that, but he seems to get along with everyone and what he does for work he encounters all types of people at all times.
One more thing to note so that I get it all out of my head; There was a moment on the trip when myself and the other three Black women saw a Black Soldier and began talking with him (we were always excited to see one of our own) after we were done talking, moments later the Reverend comes over starts talking with the soldier too, and then calls me over. When I walk over he introduces me to the soldier and then starts to give me his stats “his name is, he is a Christian…blah, blah, blah…like huh?
It was awkward and I found it extremely weird. It’s almost like he was trying to make a connection between myself and the soldier…buy why? Honestly, deep in my gut I think he was trying to gauge if I was into Black guys/this type of guy. I just stood there looking dumbfounded and didn’t really say much to the soldier again because I wasn’t attracted to him. Ah well, just going over stuff in my head.
LisaParticipantHi Anita,
Do you remember me? As I am still processing this situation and getting it out of my system, I just wanted to add one more bit for possibly more clarity?
This guy is also older/White (and a Reverend) and I am younger/Black.
Do you think that makes a difference? With his behavior and all?
LisaParticipantThank you, anita.
I appreciate all of your help.
LisaParticipantHi, anita,
Yes. Please believe me when I say that he is very well established in his career and his career mostly involves talking to/interacting with people at all times. He has a job to do and does it well but I don’t think he is so great at cultivating personal connections despite what it may have looked like to me on FB. As you say, this is an area where he personally struggles. When we were on our trip the times he most engaged us was when we discussed the sites we visited. Outside of that, he was pretty awkward and standoffish which is why I was so shocked when he asked me those questions/asked me to sit with him for dinner/showed up at the airport, etc.
Anywho, it’s clear that I am wasting my time. Talking about these things helps me to process which ultimately helps me to rid it of my system. I think he is broken and can probably never be the man that I would want him to be anyway.
LisaParticipantHi, anita,
Again, thank you for your feedback. This is really valuable insight.
You are correct in that he talks non-stop. I remember when I talked to him those few times before we went on the trip and he did go on and on. He is very intelligent and is an expert in some areas and I believe as you say, doesn’t even realize it.
Another bit of information that I didn’t add in my original OP;
After he sent me the email invite to the x-mas party after I blocked him on FB, I did actually speak with him once more via telephone after that. We talked regarding another group trip. He seemed really excited to discuss the possibility and kept asking me what was a good time and date to talk. Well, we set up a date and time and he said he would call at a specific time an he did. On the dot. He is very anal like that. Well, needless to say we kept emailing back and forth for a few months as I was supposed to gather information about other interested persons for the trip but with school and all, it often took me long periods of time to get back to him. However, everytime I contacted him he was always polite and still appeared very eager. Needless to say, the trip couldn’t happen and I emailed him one final time to let him know that we would have to wait indefinitely.
I was sad because I thought this would be the last time I would ever speak to him again, or at least in a long while. After receiving my final email that the next trip couldn’t happen at that time, he immediately (in about less than five to seven minutes) emailed me back inviting me on a different trip that he would also be a part of and said he thought it would be a good idea for me to come and learn, etc., etc. I really wanted to go but I had just started a new job and the trip would land during my 90 day probationary period. If I am correct here, he seemed pretty eager to invite me/have me there and kept detailing the highlights of the itinerary, and aked me what I thought. sigh. I knew I couldn’t make it so sadly, I had to decline. We ended off with a final email from him stating “ok, please keep me posted when the trip comes together and ttyl.”
As far as his friends, yes, he does seem to have many. I observed this when we were on each other’s FB. However, I could be wrong. I mean, in my opinion, FB friends are really never real friends anyway. At least the majority. I guess what I really mean to say is he seems to know a lot of people (possibly simply through his work) and I can see that he is well respected within his circle/the community. I did notice as well that when we were on the trip he did move like a person who was more of a loner as he didn’t really have many people around him. If I can liken him to anyone to give you a better idea of his character, he reminds me of Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
LisaParticipantDear anita,
I will offer a bit more details to give a better understanding.
In addition to his moody/standoffish nature something else I noticed while on the trip is he is quite shy. Also, the day after the night of the dinner where I declined to sit with him we were returning to the states. I had a strong sense in my gut that he would show up at the airport (he didn’t need to be there) and he did. He was also wearing glasses (I wear glasses) which I found odd because he didn’t wear any the entire time on the trip. Again to my surprise he came over to where my friends and I were and stated he would hang out with us (what?!) and talk until it was time to go but instead he just sat there awkwardly and said very little even when my friends asked him questions. Huh? Straight after, he went over to another group of people that were also on the trip and was yapping it up.
Just a few extra tidbits:
I actually talked with him via telephone several times before the trip and he was normal. No sign of this weirdness.
We are of two different races/cultures and I am also a bit younger than him.
His career is somewhat that of a public figure and he is a great orator/is very social has lots of friends, etc.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
LisaParticipantMark,
I think you’re right. Thanks again.
LisaParticipantHi, Mark,
Good question.
It’s not that I really want to be in touch with him (I’ve already blocked him and will not make contact with him again.) I guess it’s moreso that I want to solve a puzzle within my own head. I wouldn’t be telling the whole truth if I didn’t admit that he intrigued me a little bit also (perhaps that was his overall objective when he kept trying to make his presence known on FB.)
If you want a more pointed answer, and for what it’s worth, he is handsome, well established in his career, intelligent, cultured, world-traveled, etc.
LisaParticipantGreetings, Anita,
Thank you for your feedback. I have also talked with some friends and family about this matter and as with here, I’ve received conflicting responses. Some have said he’s good. Some have said he’s bad. I know anything is possible. However, this just makes me even more confused.
LisaParticipantHi Inky…thank you!
Well, the reason he had my email address is because before the trip all of the participants exchanged contact info to keep in touch to send each other information about the sites/locations we were going to visit. Once I blocked him I actually forgot that he my email and was quite shocked when I got the invite. He was so normal in the invite, too. Weird. It felt like I was dealing with two totally different people!
Best,
VIS
LisaParticipantThank you, just_let_go!
Honestly, at first I thought it was kind of cute but when I evaluated the situation again I realized he wasn’t behaving in a normal fashion…in a way that I want a guy that is romantically attracted to me to conduct himself! I guess what threw me off was how polite and normal he sounded on the phone call. Needless to say I’ve been keeping my distance.
Best,
VIS
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