I have been reading the forum for a long time, which has helped me a lot, but this is my first post here. This topic has really touched myself as I am 3 days out of my first break up anniversary and still feeling so stuck. Im sorry about my English, which is not my mother language, but any reply would be very much appreciated.

Me and my ex were together for almost 8 years, since we both were 18 years old. We went through a lot together, and have really supported each other during some hard times.

To this day I still can’t explain the exactly why we are not together, but things were not working out anymore. I know that during that time splitting seemed to be the only way for us, but today I cant stop thinking about all those “if onlys”, as we have huge respect and affection for each other.

We took very different ways since then – while I have been trying to learn more about myself and really got into the Buddhist readings, she has been partying and drinking so much, what makes me think that she is really suffering. From the outside, it looks like shes having a great time, but deep inside I know how lost she feels from our few conversations.

She got in touch a few days ago asking to meet. We did meet and had a short conversation, she even told me that I am an amazing guy and that she loves me, but it seems to me that she only wanted to feel safe, to feel that I was still there waiting for her, while she doesn’t want to give up the freedom that she got from the break up, something she has said to me months ago.

Now I’m here, feeling how come I could not let it go yet, after 12 months, feeling absolutely exhausted from it, thinking about calling her to get closure, maybe asking her why she asked to meet me and told me that she loves me, only to suddenly disappear and let me alone with a new hope of something that I should already know that is not going to happen. Deep inside I know I have nothing else to listen from her – If she did want to be with me she would have done it already, but I keep telling myself that maybe this time she will come back if call, or that at leat THIS TIME I would get closure to finally be able to move on.

I’m having a very, very hard time, accepting these simples facts:

(1) she no longer wanted to be with me,

(2) she has since moved on, and

(3) the relationship is over.

Any words would be really appreciated. Thank You.