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vidalevi

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #327651

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Dear Rumia

    Sorry, it took sometime for me to reply.

    Like I said, I’m still in a dark place right now tying to fight my own people, the society against my ideals,morals,dreams etc. It is so exhausting sometimes and I literally don’t have one single soul to support me. All my friends are married and they recommend the same to me- some went through arranged marriage; some love marriage. It’s just that I haven’t been lucky enough in both cases. And I’m at home currently because I had been called selfish to go out and have a life myself but being insensitive to my parents and family.

    And the tension and stress is unspeakable. I literally don’t get out of home because the people I know only asks about my wedding. The new workplace I joined last year had people commenting on my single status since day one and I hated it there and quit my job.

    I want to get away from this place asap and go far where people don’t know me and judge me based on my relationship status. I can’t believe that I could let it affect my self esteem and emotions like this. When everyone around you consider you as a failure for not getting married( even though you have a master’s degree in engineering from one of the best university in my country), you become so depressed that you can’t even face people.

    My orthodox conservative society sucks big time. While I was doing masters, I liked a guy but he was quite younger than me:7-8 years. Hence I didn’t even pursue it though I could guess he also liked me. But we never spoke to each other and though we have so.many common friends, both of us never took any steps further. All we did was just look at each other from far whenever we were in same surrounding.

    I comforted myself by telling that this is doomed from beginning since our family, society would never accept it. Now all I do is check on him once in a while in social media(even though we have more than 30+ common friends, we are not even friends in social media) and see how he is doing. Well….that’s just my story right now. And I have heard and read that if someone is interested, they would let you know. I keep telling myself that he is not interested since he hasn’t shown it in anyway other than just looking at me.

    Just wanted to share it with you. Love is the most hardest thing I have ever seen in my 38 years of life. I just can’t get it right till now.

    Hope your heartache gets lesser with each day.

    Vida

    #325429

    vidalevi
    Participant

    @aleksandra

    Thank you for replying after all these years. It’s a pleasant surprise.

    I’m doing good. Well..frankly I still haven’t gone the ‘arranged marriage’ path because I still believe that I need that spark, love or connection to get married. I couldn’t bring myself to say yes just for the sake of getting married. And I’m getting older and the pressure is more- to the extend that I thought I many give in and marry anyone just to get out of the rut. But somehow I held on. Also in a traditional society like mine, older women are literally a burden/curse specially on parents. I can see anyone and everyone (relatives, friends, acquaintances) looking down on me and pitying me just because I’m single. The situation is/was so worse that I honestly thought there is something wrong with me(biologically/emotionally etc.). That’s the pressure. And I have been called a fool for having a high standard, not compromising, and basically for living a single life. But when I thought about the consequence of being in a ‘love less marriage’, I decided that this single life of hell(in other’s views) would be much better compared to that. I can’t bring myself spending time with someone whom I don’t feel connected to.

    And yes, you are right. What happens if you meet the one after you go through the arranged marriage ? It’s a very painful situation for everyone included. I’m not necessarily saying arrange marriage is not a workable solution. Some people are lucky to find someone who is compatible with them that way too.

    I still haven’t found that person in arranged marriage scenario or otherwise. I’m still looking- within arranged marriage and also by myself. But one thing for sure- I wouldn’t get married until I’m very sure that this is the person I want to be with, whatever the scenario may be.

    I hope you find some solution to the situation you are in and lessen the pain and hurt. Sending prayers and love to you and everyone involved ! Stay strong. Make a decision and remember- no one can love you.more than yourself.

    Vida

    #273885

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Dear Roary

    I’m sorry that you feel like this. But I’m sure, one day you will wake up and see that tiny bit of hope in your heart that would make you want to live again.

    I’ve also been diagnosed with GAD(mainly ‘coz I have poor coping skills) almost a decade ago. I wasn’t prescribed any medication but was asked to do therapy. It was then that I could recognise that I’ve been suffering from low self esteem and related problems since childhood.

    My life wasn’t exactly a bed of roses during childhood. My folks constantly fought with each other and other family members and all I could remember was shouting and tears. school was the only refuge for me. I was good in academics so I did fairly well and reached college. But I couldn’t perform well and I dropped out. Started working and slowly paid back the student loan.I took for studies which ironically I couldn’t complete. Last year at 36, I graduated from college again.

    Because of what I witnessed during my childhood, I never really thought I deserved happiness. I was always miserable and even to this day, people ask me to smile more often. So you can understand the gravity of circumstances that affected me back then. I even thought that my parents were fighting because of me. How naive I was. Since I had that thought in my mind, I was constantly working hard at school and home to make my parents happy and all they saw was how I fared compared to other students in my class.

    My broken self esteem made me vulnerable to bad souls and I ended up getting cheated on by BFs. On top of it, a close family member emotionally abused me and blackmailed me for money for a decade knowing my situation.

    Current situation:

    I have a college degree and I have started a job which is not to my liking, but I need it to support myself.

    I haven’t dated in a decade- I was busy figuring out my finances and clawing my way out of people taking advantage of me.

    I live my parents currently because I can’t afford a place and pay back my student loan at the same time.

    All of my siblings and friends(read- men and women) are married with kids in school and I’m the only single person in my circle that I know of.

    I come from a conservative society and hence I’m constantly taunted by people in my community regarding my single status and so I avoid social interactions as much as possible.

    I’m still reeling from the pain since childhood and like you I always asks- how long can I hold on like this and go on.

    My Answers to myself:

    I’m good and I haven’t hurt anyone intentionally. All that happened to me wasn’t my fault.

    It may take some more time, but I will find happiness and purpose of my life soon.

    I’m intending to join a job in an year or so which would help other less privileged souls like me.

    And who knows, may be I will have a family of my own some day.

    These are the only things that help me get up every morning and do my part of job. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad. Every day is a fight with my negative thoughts and mind. Sometimes I have to literally pull myself up by telling that ‘one day’ everything will be fine and I will laugh again.

    You are not alone ! Don’t worry !

    #106735

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply Anita.
    I guess I’m.not that close enough to him to ask why is he so inconsistent with his behaviour.
    Also while he was away he was checked on only by me and his another close(lady) friend.
    While I was leaving, he mentioned to her that he will miss talking to me indirectly…like- when I get bored talking to all you people, I used to talk to her, but that’s not possible anymore.
    I was really surprised to get a text from him saying Hi coz I thought it was over there and I could take a break. May be he just wants to keep in touch…that’s all.
    While he was away- I asked him how many people from office got in touch with him personally – he told none. I was like- you are friends with everyone n I cant believe that no one asked for you especially ladies- he told me that he hadn’t texted any one since he left office( I felt like he was defending himself too.much)
    Its just that I may be reading too.much into this.
    I just wants to be friends with him, that’s all.

    #98789

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Hi everyone..
    Thanks a lot for the reply.
    MORE INFO
    Well…
    I know that running away is not the answer. All I want to do is to shift from a job which has become mundane and I’m bored to hell with this job. Its been 5 years in the same place and that too without any promotions or added advantage. I don’t know how to express it, but I guess I’m trying to make ‘this’ person and what I’m feeling towards him as an excuse to move away.
    Coming to him telling me – well..i don’t think that’s going to happen coz from what I have seen both of us are very shy when it comes to initiating anything. Its all about some glances and nothing more. We work in the same office building and I have noticed that whenever he is with his colleagues he tries hard not to look at me. He never smiles also. But if i catch him alone along the corridor or so, he looks straight into my eyes like questioning me.since I have seen him with the lady somewhere else, I have come into the conclusion that either he is taken I not interested. Also its been almost two years like this. If he was interested, he would have shown it in some way.
    @ Matty-
    For the very first time im relieved to hear that there is nothing wrong with me if I develop feelings for someone who is otherwise unavailable. Like you mentioned, I haven’t acted on it or made my life hell coz of it. But yes, I do think sometimes- what if he is single or something in those lines.
    – Vida

    #69792

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Also, Merry Christmas

    #69791

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Adam,
    Thanks a lot for the reply. I really appreciate it.
    I’m really struggling with ‘love yourself’ phase because from childhood I have thrived on external validation and appreciation.
    Very recently I have realised that I have very less self-love and self worth. I was never comfortable with my looks and always felt I wad physically not beautiful. I was made fun of during my school and college days(dark and fat) and I had rather become reclusive and an introvert.
    The people whom I dated cheated on me and left me for others and it affirmed my belief that I’m not worth it at all.
    The so-called friends and relatives used me ti get their work done and they dumped me thereafter.
    Very slowly I’m getting out of these cycles and surrounding with people who genuinely keeps reminding me of my self – worth.
    Everything wad going fine till I got rejected and I wad thrown into the same well of self-pity.
    Thanks again for the reply.
    PS: Going through your blog and there are really some good stuffs out there.

    #69315

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Thanks a lot Maya.
    Well…I guess I’m looking for both approval and love; approval being the main ingredient. And also I still do believe that someone good may come. But my family and so called friends keep telling me otherwise. They are like- ‘you are too old to dream about things like that. You are supposed to get practical. You are old and you will not get what you area of. You have to settle down with whomever comes even if you like or not.”
    Now my family emotionally blackmails me and tells me that I’m a disgrace that I’m still not married and they cannot move in the society with their head held high. Everyone are making fun of them because of me. My friends tell me that now you cannot have any list of requirements for your SO.
    I’m so tired of listening to all these and the sympathizing and wrongful looks from people when they know that I’m still single.

    #69307

    vidalevi
    Participant

    Thanks a lot for the reply.
    Yes, I’m aware of the fact that once I open up, I’m more in control of my emotions. I had done that a year ago. I went and told hi to the person whom I had a crush on. Introduced myself and spoke for 5mins and left. It gave me such a joy. But later when I realised that he wasn’t interested in me, I felt so bad.
    I know rejection is a part of this and would like to take it in my stride. But most of the time I end up being taking it personal.
    I have noticed that I also have certain pattern in these encounters. I will be the happiest if my crush sees me or when I was in a relationship then, if that person calls me or meet me. The other days I will pull myself to the rock bottom and think that they aren’t interested in me or I’m not worthy of them. Those days when I feel like that are dreadful and scary. I think that stems from my childhood experience wherein I was called names and no one really made me understand my worth. Even now, I think I’m unconsciously looking fir validation from outside people.
    Today also I saw him, but he didn’t even look at me and hence my day is doomed. I know and I keep telling myself that I should not place my happiness in other people’s hand, but this keeps happening.
    I guess I really need to work on myself in order to get out of all these patterns.
    I wish the best for you too and its good knowing that even I’m not alone with my emotions and feelings.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)