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wanda

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  • #375118
    wanda
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m so sorry that wasn’t my intention at all, I report my post.

    I’m going to discuss it on therapy.

    Thank you for your reply and kind words.

     

    #375097
    wanda
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m glad that you reply to me. Thank you so much for your time.

    Sorry for my english, it’s not my first language.

    Last night I had such a bad night, I don’t remember when this happened and my memory is really blurry about it. I just remember what I did, that was that her tiny hand was between my legs and I just made it do a friction or presurre in there. Then I felt bad about it and just close my legs so I could accomodate myself  on the sofa and keep carrying her.  It was very brief and just happened once. Never again, and never again I think about it until now.

    I was spiraling last night because I’m just to scared of what I did, I didn’t mean to hurt my niece in any way and I know I didn’t but I’m scared that somehow this may resurfaced for her in the future and look at me like I am a bad person. I feel like this is such a wine stain on me. I agree with you that it was something impulsive, I mean in that moment I think I brush it off because I didn’t fully understand what I did as I do know, just that was bad for some reason and now that I understand I’m coming with everything against myself.

    I don’t think the Supreme Court would porsecute me for what I did, they would understand that I was still developing and they would probably send me to therapy. I understand I was still a child and I know that is not who I am today at all. But I feel like people is now quick to jugde you, not matter if you were a child back then, they probably would have know better than you at that time.  I also don’t know how to adress this with my therapist, she told me I can send her voice notes whenever I need but I think it’s a subject that maybe have to wait until I see her in session but I don’t know.

    #375044
    wanda
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope you can reply to my message when you have time.

    I’m Wanda, I’m a 20 years old girl. Lately a bunch of things I did when I was a child came back to haunt me so I went to therapy, I got diagnosed with PTSD from one of those events and I’m working on forgiving myself for not knowing better at that time.

    All of these memories caused me a lot of stress and they were really confusing because I didn’t remember everything of course. I let two of them go but there’s one in particular that seems to cling to my back so hard. I remembered that I was carrying my little niece so when I sit down in the sofa, I thought her little hand made a pressure between my legs and then I closed my legs to feel that again. That was what I told my therapist, that it had been an accident but now I’m not so sure, I feel like the most sincere thing could be that I did it on purpose (as I made her tiny hand made the friction or pressure, I don’t even remeber) and I felt bad in that moment, I close my legs to accomodate me on the sofa and then I sit her on my legs and that was it. My niece was really little at that moment, she probably was 2-3 years old so I was 12 years old. I don’t know anymore, I just know that I regret so much and it’s not what I am at all. Maybe it’s that I condemn these acts so hard that I can’t give myself a free pass from this. At the same time, this has made me feel unworthy and not deserving of being loved, I feel like I’m hiding something and I don’t like that at all.

    I have to add that I have been around my niece while she grew up without aknowleding this event because I didn’t remembered at all, so I have other bunch of memories with her about running in the backyard, talking to her while sitting on my lap, playing to catch the ball and also she creater her own fb a weeks ago and she send me a fb request lol.  She’s already a 10 years old and she’s such a smart girl. And there’s nothing more than love for her in my heart. I truly don’t have bad intentions in my heart at all so of course I’m not proud of this.

    Yesterday I thought my therapist that I might could have done it on purpose but she didn’t think that was the case, so I don’t know If I should just straight tell her that I did it or I don’t know anymore but it’s hurting me so much. I know it happened once and that doesn’t define me but it still making me feel like crap or that I’m a monster not deserving of being loved or having children. I regret it so much and I know I didn’t hurt my niece but I can’t stop punishing me about it and I’m pushing people out of my life because I’m scared that they are going to leave me if I tell them about this thing I did as a child.

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)