Dear Anita,

Thank you for responding. I agree what you said about him loving me in the context of his vacations. I was fully aware of the risks involved and was a willing participant.  I’m a bit disappointed but not heartbroken. I felt that the time we were together were loving, respectful, caring and extremely peaceful.  He often said how good it was for the soul because of how relaxing it was.  We explored quite a few exotic places together and they took coordination before and during the trips. We were on the same wavelength 99% of the times, therefore, everything went smoothly. We wanted to make each other happy so whatever the other person wanted the other accommodated.  I didn’t ever felt hurt, slighted or not getting enough attention.  We were always ‘present’ when we were together. We spent time on our phones to do what we needed to do but always returned to each other within one hour or less. Because of the great times we had I don’t feel that it was an act. I truly believe he cared for me deeply, not as a vacation girlfriend or an option.  He’s in his 40s and had two serious girlfriends before me. He has always led an independent life where he needs his alone time and also spend tremendous amount of time in various activities.  When he was with his gf he took six months off to travel.  During that time he didn’t understand why his gf was upset that he couldn’t talk to her weekly. He could but he didn’t want to be commit to a schedule where he had to be at a certain place/time. He told me he was ready to quit some activities because she was not happy. He ended up leaving her.  He wants freedom to do whatever when he wants it.  This has been his pattern and probably always will be. It has nothing to do with me!   When I finally understood that I stopped feeling unimportant when he treats me like an acquaintance. While at he’s home he’s at battle with heart.

Why I feel our relationship was fated: I had plan to go somewhere else for vacation but ended up canceling 4x times before settling on this destination.  I originally reserved a hotel in another city but last minute I changed my mind and booked a night in the same hotel.  I had no idea why because there was not anything in particular I wanted to see there.  Also, the day we met I had plans to leave early but that morning it was extremely windy. I decided to wait in the lobby where there was stronger WIFI connection.  As I was walking toward a table he looked up from his laptop. We exchanged hellos. I was studying a map and I sensed he was looking at me for a while because I felt heat on my face. Next thing I realized  he came to my table and asked if he could join me.  We talked about our plans and since we were going to the same place he offered me a ride. I accepted  and we both ended up in a remote place (off season) by ourselves. We spent all day together and had dinner from 4pm to midnight! During the entire time I felt comfortable around him but no physical chemistry. He offered to spend the remainder of his trip with me and I accepted. 99% of the time if I felt no chemistry I usually would not accept the offer knowing that the guy would eventually make a move on me and it would be super uncomfortable, especially in our situation where we were alone together.  I felt safe from the getgo. In the subsequent trips we discovered that there was a very intense sexual attraction between us, an attraction that was so intense that it left us both need room to think about what just happened, la force beyond our control. I’ve not ever experience anything of  this depth. It touched my soul. He also mentioned several times that our private time was good for his soul. This is why I believe we were brought together to help each other grow and evolve. I dug deep into this dynamic and in the process I learned a lot about me and many issues that I need to work on so that I don’t repeat the same patterns and if I do, it means I’m not there mentally yet and it’s ok. Everyone’s time frame is different.  I feel peaceful despite being separated without any interactions for three months yet I’m experiencing these symptoms. As soon as I wake up in the middle of night my mind goes to him and it keeps me up all night.  I don’t feel anxious or sad so I don’t know why I can’t fall back asleep unless I knock myself out with PM drugs, which I don’t want to do.  Am I feeling his vibrations?

Anita,

I decided to move on without confronting him about it despite my closed friends urging me to talk to him.  In the past I was very quick to let him know if something bothered me. I am just not in the mood anymore. I am not sure if it is because I am tired of the hot and cold behavior or I have admitted defeat to the fact that I cannot make him do his part.   Like Craig said I do not need his approval or cooperation to move on, therefore, I will do just that.  My biggest battle right now is getting rid of the flashbacks flooding my mind.  We had so great times and I wish I could bury those thoughts and focus on ‘now’.  Thank you for reading.

Hi Craig,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond. I cannot identify any milestones that are concrete measure of commitment and this is the reason I want to stop.  Most of our trips were pretty last minute (two months before departure).  After this last trip I asked if I could visit him ( in a few months). His response was let’s not think about it. He could have a wife by then. This was what he told me after every trip (different excuses).  But when it came down to it, he missed me. During our separation he made sure I didn’t forget him. He sent me cards via post. When I closed my email account in order to move on, he contacted me through work.  He didn’t want a relationship but he didn’t want to let go, just like what he is doing now. He got overwhelmed and goes to his man cave. I don’t like the instability and I do not see him willing to commit. Your prospective help steer me in the right direction. Thank you again.