Matilda,

I also feel your pain in not living. I had given up my life to care for my mother due to her not being able to take care of her house and other issues. I gave up my apartment, my cats that I had for 15 years, and independence. I am not bitter of this because I know that my mother was always there for me throughout the years even through my addiction do drugs and alcohol.  It was my turn to take care of her. I did it with love. I stayed with her until she passed in 2020 right before COVID. I glad that she did not have to go through that experience. I did work some while taking care of her, but my depression and anxiety escalated to the all-time high. I felt like everyone’s life was going by and I was stuck in time. After she passed, I inherited the house so, living here alone after death was trying. I went into a very deep hole and thought I would not come of it. I am still struggling very bad with my mental health. So, I still feel that live is going by me. I stay up to 4am and then sleep most of the even if I want to get up in the daytime, I still force myself to stay in bed because I do not think or have the motivation to do things in the house or yard which is not real. But I am stuck in that loop. I am working twice a week and sometimes that is even a struggle to get through those two days. I work from home. So needless to say, I am here 24/7 most of the time. I am so glad that I do have animals, or I may have gone really crazy. I do not have any close friends, but my sister lives a block over, but she has her husband and her life and travels. My brother lives in CT so I may see him once maybe twice a year. So, I am thinking about moving to Mexico if I am going to be alone, I might as well be somewhere beautiful. Any way that is my story and just wanted to let you know you are not alone. But struggle with the answer to things as well, due to the struggle of my mental and emotional status. Thank you for sharing your feelings.