Hi anita,

Steps that I am taking now in my life:

– I have put a desk in my room so that I can spend more time by myself to focus on my future. I live with a good friend and she is very social so in the living room it is hard for me to focus on my own things. I have also started saying no to spending too much time together. Today for example instead of joining her and others in the park I am going to focus on myself at home.

– I have started excercising and eating healthy again, which I let go during the quarantine. I am also drinking much less.

– I am putting my finances in order to create a more conscious relationship with money.

– I have stopped dating. Although if I would meet someone in a natural way I would not be against it, I think it is not something I should actively look for at the moment.

I know I really thrive on routine, and things like late nights really throw me off, eventually leading me to quit everything I am doing. Today I will work on setting a bit of routine for myself again for the coming weeks, as well as some realistic goals to work towards.

Sam

Hi anita,

Yeah you are very right in that!

The status of my counseling is non existent, I have considered it a lot and would like to have someone to talk to but I have a bit of a tricky financial situation at the moment so it is hard for me to pay someone, and in my country it is very expensive…I could always try through my gm but they only take cases that have some heavier issues than mine as I understand. I will explore options tho.

Hi anita,

Sorry for the very late reply.

My family situation is a little complicated. It is not as dramatic as the stories of other people, I always thought I was very lucky so never felt I had the right to complain.

I grew up in a middle-high class family, always went to private schools and never missed a thing that I needed. But it all came at a price. My dad was as he called himself ‘el patron’ (the boss), he wanted absolute loyalty and obedience for having given us the life he gave. Having an opinion he did not agree with, wanting things he did not want for us or being too independent was absolutely off the table. He cares a lot about appearances, so everything had to seem perfect to the outside world, from the perfect house and car to his kids (we are 4). In private however we tip toed around him our whole lives and I can honestly say we are definitely damaged because of it.

I guess my tendency to eat comes from the the same. For him how you look physically is extremely important. Since I was 11 he would make me run on a threadmill because I was a little chubby (as little kids can be tho now I look normal), he would comment on everything that I ate and if I would gain a little bit of weight he would be sure to let me know (still does). When I was a teenager I had a bit of an anorexia problem (he never noticed) and I was obsessed with excercising, which he was very proud of. Now I would say I am very self aware of my image and never truly feel good in my skin unless I am excercising a lot and am crazy fit, tho it has gotten much better I do tend to eat emotionally.

His relationship with my mom is very toxic, they call themselves a ‘team’ but that is not how it is. She has pretty much never been allowed to have a life (friends, opinions, independence) and has always had to be on his side in arguments because otherwise he would go crazy. I love her, but I can not be too close to her because anything I tell her is like directly telling my dad, she is like his little spy so I can just not trust her with my personal things. I would say my relationship with my parents is very superficial and I have become an expert at pretending, because showing them who I really am was never really an option. My brothers completely show them who they are and my dad hates them for it, he cannot accept we have advanced to a point where we dont need anything from him.

I guess this gives you an idea of how things are, it happens to a lot of people. I have reflected a lot on how this has made me who I am and it is pretty clear to me. How is makes me deal with food, how it makes me pretend I am someone else with guys, and how it makes me need their constant approval and attenion. But what I am trying to work on now is how to just let that go of what made me this way and focus on the future and who I want to be. Try to really see myself for who I am without all the pretending. Easier said then done.

By the way, the guy I initially started the threat about has left the country and I am taking this as an opportunity to not date at all and focus on myself (he will be back for a month in august so maybe then we can hang out a bit again). I have a lot of things to work on before I even consider dating again tho I do admit I miss having a guy to text, see, spend time with…it feels like a detox

Dear anita,

I do feel I have problems with anxiety and I see how that also translates into me needing constant attention from guys. I form attachments to them very quickly and then obssess over whether or not they are texting me and showing enough that they like me. I feel I need to understand why I need the constant attention of guys and am not able to simply live life without them making me feel good. The guy I talk to above is someone I really like but I also realize that he is maybe not the one but just a fling. However I just cannot stop obsessing about it, why do I need guys to like me so badly?

Sometimes I feel I should just let this guy go and totally block myself from guys for a while to work only on me. But I am just not able to, I start texting with another guy and go through the same thing over and over again to gain their approval.

Hi anita,

Thanks for your messages!

I will remain at friends houses for the time being yes, I do of course miss my house, my things, him…but that is mostly during the night, in the day I keep busy and I am trying to focus on my job and friends.

I have talked to him and he is planning on getting a temporary room and then making a plan to leave the country as he has nothing here and does not like the life here…(he is not from here himself) he does not know where he wants to go and what he wants to do and I have this urge inside to help him figure it out but I know it is not my role…

Today I gave our landlord notice on the house, tonight I will tell my ex so that he understands this is serious and there is no going back. We have had a couple of nice conversations in the past days (I go back to get some things sometimes), we have talked about the things we have enjoyed, what we have learned from each other, what we have to work on in the future… it seems very nice and amicable, but I have to be careful about his intentions with this…

I have talked to him about things like eating at the dinner table and he agrees he took me for granted, that he wished he had done things differently…but even if he would change this…I think it is too late now as I have figured out I need to be by myself.

Hi anita,

This week I followed your advice and wrote him a letter explaining my reasons. I sent it to him and we discussed it in person after I gave him some time alone to go over it and think. He has expressed that he understands my reasons, although he is very sad and heartbroken and it all still feels like a bad dream.

He has expressed that he does not want to stay in the house as it is too painful and everything around him carries memories and emotions. He is now looking for a room and I will be staying at the house, we need to give a two month notice on it. Until he finds a place or can stay at friends, I will be staying at friends houses.

Last night I went out with friends to take my mind of things and it was great, tho at the end of the night I wanted to return home so badly and I was quite home sick but resisted the urge.

We are on good terms and I feel good about the decision. It is great to have the letter as when I experience doubt I read it to help me remember my reasons. I wish I could leave the house sooner also, as being here alone is difficult and I would like the fresh start.

Hi anita,

I wanted to ask you about another thing…

Last night when we started talking, I asked him if he has thought about what we had discussed 2 weeks ago when I opened up about everything. He said he had not been thinking about it, because when he did, he only came to the conclusion that this cannot work, so he would rather not think about it at all. I did not really know how to react to it, as I have been thinking about it 24/7 since…

Is that just a coping mechanism on his side?

Hi anita,

Yesterday my boyfriend and I decided we were going to talk after work. I want to let you know how it went.

I prepared very well for the conversation and it actually was very fast as this time he was also prepared mentally – I explained how I feel, why I think that many of the “issues” we have is something we cannot solve 1,2,3 but we have to respect that we are different. He agreed that seeing many of these things we cannot change, the only way is to end the relationship, so that was our conclusion. After this conversation he was very serious and quiet, would not say much except that it is a bummer and there is not much more to say. But later on we were both crying, hugging…it was very sad.

I fought so hard with myself not to say “well maybe we can try this or that?” Because I knew it was just the moment and later I would maybe regret it. We cried for hours, then we got hungry and warmed up some food and calmed down. We started talking in more depth and decided that yeah, there are things we could definitely work on like eating at the dinner table etc. but others, like me just naturally having a much higher sex drive or wanting to build a community of people around us, was impossible for him. And I think those are the things we have to focus on…

We both stayed at the house to sleep so we did not separate definitely, but we haven’t decided to stay together either. I think this was a very good step, but I do think we need to take the next one very soon so that we do not get used to the situation. We cried what we needed to cry together, told each other what we needed to, and now we have to make the move. I do have to say I kept thinking about all the nice things in the relationship while we were crying, doubting whether this was the right thing… but I know that was just the moment, and also seeing him cry was soso hard… I feel quite weak for not having been able to go through with it completely.