fbpx
Menu

Terrified of falling for this amazing guy

HomeForumsRelationshipsTerrified of falling for this amazing guy

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #352294
    Sam
    Participant

    I got out of a very toxic relationship 6 months ago, in great part thanks to the support I found here. Since then life has been amazing, I moved in with a friend and have been focusing on myself a lot. I have been casually dating but just with the intention of exploring and having fun, not looking for anything more. But last week this changed, I met a guy that has completely blown me away. He is hilarious, adorable and smart. He is very attentive with me, clearly likes me back and we are both quite blown away at how great the match is.

    But here is my problem, I am terrified! I am absolutely terrified of how much I like him. He is probably going back to the country where he is currently studying in a couple of weeks (here now due to corona) and tho I want to keep enjoying getting to know each other, I am afraid it will just hurt when he leaves. This is something that we haven’t brought up yet as we just started seeing each other so it just seems too soon to talk about that but I do know I will just start liking him more and more if we continue seeing each other.

    I would really appreciate your advice on how to deal with my feelings at this stage! Am I getting ahead of myself?

    #352374
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Yours:

    So very good to read from you again!

    Remember you saying it was difficult for you to stand up for yourself? To stand up for yourself doesn’t mean only when conflict with another comes up. In the context here, it means you expressing to him how you feel about him leaving in two weeks. It is making your emotions heard (as in standing up) instead of silent.

    The way to stand up for yourself emotionally is not to just vent or complain, cry and so forth. Instead tell him how you feel in a way that shows him (and yourself) that you respect yourself even in moments of feeling fear, or weakness.

    Does this make sense to you, to honestly and respectfully tell him how you feel about him leaving?

    anita

    #352450
    Jillian
    Participant

    Dear Yours,

    I’m somewhat experiencing the same feelings as you do now! I recently met a guy whom i really admire as a friend, but i think that admiration has slowly turned into a crush, liking and perhaps a lil of love especially due to the distance caused by the COVID situation (they say absence makes the heart grow fonder..?) Haha. And it’s also frustrating sometimes because i wanna take it slow first.

    Enough of myself haha. My point is that, we may be afraid when getting closer to a person as it’s something very new, and being easily affected by another person makes us feel vulnerable. But honey, i think loving anyone or anything actually involves a certain degree of risk. And to take this leap of faith we need courage, which is not exactly something easy to muster all the time. I’m not sure how long have yall known each other, but i feel that your heart actually knows what it wants. Even if he’ll be leaving soon, is it possible to still stay in contact over video calls to nurture the relationship? It’s actually so rare and precious to meet someone whom you adore so much and he feels the same way back. If you are scared of what was to happen as this progress, ask yourself will you feel totally alright if you kept silent about this thing, when it could potentially blossom into something if you decided to take the leap of faith. It’s scary, but do you think it’ll be worth it? (:

    Lastly, the future is really uncertain, more so than it has ever been. Perhaps this is also teaching us to live in the present moment, savour the good times with ure loved ones while we can. All the best <3

    #353500
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for your fast reply! You are right in that I should just say what I feel but the fear of exposing myself too much is huge…what if he thinks its too much? I can overall see some ‘bad’ patterns coming back in how I deal with the beginning of a relationship:

    – I am trying to seem like this girl who has everything together and is completely fulfilled with her life as it is, not really talking about the things that are maybe not so perfect in my life and maybe would make me seem more ‘real’.

    – I am always ready to meet when he proposes and I do not take a lot or the initiative to make plans in case he rejects it.

    – I get down and a bit anxious if he moves our date or does not text me for an extensive period of time, thinking maybe he doesn’t like me too much afterall.

    It is not that I have a hard time being myself, but I just become quite obsessive and spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship instead of just living my life and taking things as they come…How can I work on this so that this time I can do things differently?

    #353582
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Yours:

    “the fear of exposing myself too much is huge.. what if he thinks its too much?”- don’t share too much, share some. Share some of your thoughts and feelings honestly and in a way that is not dramatic, and it will be okay.

    “I am trying to seem like this girl who has everything together and is completely fulfilled with her life as it is. not talking about the things that are maybe not so perfect in my life”- you are trying to seem like a .. superhuman. That may discourage him to share with you when he doesn’t have it all together, and which is not perfect in his life.

    “I am always ready to meet when he proposes”- understandable to me, because you like him so much.

    “I do not take a lot ..  initiative to make plans in case he rejects it”- if you take some initiative (vs. a lot), that’s good enough. If you took no initiative so far, initiate one meeting with him- it will be a good practice for you.

    “I get down and a bit anxious if he moves our date or does not text me for an extensive period of time.. I just become quite obsessive and spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship”- no way to fix this anytime soon (it takes many months and years to lower and resolve anxiety on an ongoing basis), but you can manage this anxiety by taking a fast walk outdoors when anxious, and/ or a hot bath- these things help a lot!

    Also, guided meditations and mindfulness exercises will help. I came across a website providing these, called headspace. com.

    “How can I work on this so that this time I can do things differently?”- when you feel a relief from your anxiety and obsessive thinking, enjoy the break and expect the anxiety and obsessive thinking to resume, so that you don’t get alarmed when it’s back. There is no quick permanent solution, it is about managing anxiety, using tools (ex.: a fast walk, a hot bath, a guided meditation, yoga, listening to music) whenever you start feeling the anxiety rising, and long term: working toward healing by exploring the origin of your anxiety.

    Did we discuss the origin of your anxiety?

    anita

    #354718
    Sam
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I do feel I have problems with anxiety and I see how that also translates into me needing constant attention from guys. I form attachments to them very quickly and then obssess over whether or not they are texting me and showing enough that they like me. I feel I need to understand why I need the constant attention of guys and am not able to simply live life without them making me feel good. The guy I talk to above is someone I really like but I also realize that he is maybe not the one but just a fling. However I just cannot stop obsessing about it, why do I need guys to like me so badly?

    Sometimes I feel I should just let this guy go and totally block myself from guys for a while to work only on me. But I am just not able to, I start texting with another guy and go through the same thing over and over again to gain their approval.

     

     

     

    #354728
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Yours:

    I went over your previous thread looking to see if we discussed the origin of your anxiety and found out that we have not. We focused on your then relationship of four years with a man who selfishly refused to sit with you at the kitchen table for dinner (instead of having his dinner on the sofa in front of the TV) because .. he didn’t feel like it. The thread was about breaking up with him and you accomplished it successfully.

    I did spot a pattern in your dating experience: “I .. have been in 3 consecutive relationships since I am 18. It have been nice relationships but I always end up breaking up after some years because I feel I need time to be with myself- consequently immediately falling head over heels for a new guy”.

    The pattern within your previous relationship: “We are fine, stable.. then I start feeling restless, I want to do more of the things together that I enjoy like take walks, eat together… I explain, try to apply changes.. we fight, makeup and forget about it- I start focusing on myself and we are again stable for a couple of months until I again start feeling like something is missing for me in the relationship”.

    We did not discuss anything about your childhood experience. Based on the above patterns, seems to me that when you were a child, living in your childhood home, you had times of comfort, feeling safe and loved, but there were other times, too frequent or too long, when you felt unsafe and emotionally distressed. This led to a conflicted state of mind: wanting to be at home, enjoying the safety and comfort at home when it was there, feeling distress about it not lasting, sometimes wanting to run away from home and be elsewhere, where it is always safe and comforting and good.

    Does any of it ring true to you?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .
    #354746
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Totally. I come from a very nice family, we are very close but my dad has been the source of a very large amount of stress for me and everyone in the family. He is very controlling, judgmental and has repressed us a lot, tho of course he is also very loving in his own way. I have reflected a lot on how my family life has affected the way I am now and I can see the correlation. I am a people pleaser because of it, I pretend everything is always okay and have trouble showing my flaws unless I feel very down.

    We also moved a lot, about every 3 years, so apart from my family I never had much stability.

    What I am going through now is quite a lot of anxiety. I am trying not to care about this guy not giving me the attention I want, and I try to take my mind of it by eating (I am an emotional eater) and drinking quite a lot of alcohol (which I always brush off as I am young etc.) but I see how these patterns might not be helping me deal with things. If I do not have a guy interested in me, I wake up without much interest in the day and I do not feel like I have much to look forward to…I know its stupid but it is just a feeling I cannot avoid. I recently deleted a dating app that I was using because it felt a little dangerous to have a constant stream of interested guys talking to me, it was disensitizing me a little bit and also felt a little like a drug. I feel fine as long as I have at least one guy interested in me, and when I don’t, I feel a little empty.

     

     

    #354750
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Yours:

    “I feel fine as long as I have at least one guy interested in me, and when I don’t, I feel a little empty”, “and I try to take my mind of it by eating”-

    – the emptiness that you try to fill in with either a man’s interest or food, it started in your childhood home: what happened there between your father, your mother:  what did he say and do, what did your mother say and do.. what was it like to be there?

    anita

    #357132
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Sorry for the very late reply.

    My family situation is a little complicated. It is not as dramatic as the stories of other people, I always thought I was very lucky so never felt I had the right to complain.

    I grew up in a middle-high class family, always went to private schools and never missed a thing that I needed. But it all came at a price. My dad was as he called himself ‘el patron’ (the boss), he wanted absolute loyalty and obedience for having given us the life he gave. Having an opinion he did not agree with, wanting things he did not want for us or being too independent was absolutely off the table. He cares a lot about appearances, so everything had to seem perfect to the outside world, from the perfect house and car to his kids (we are 4). In private however we tip toed around him our whole lives and I can honestly say we are definitely damaged because of it.

    I guess my tendency to eat comes from the the same. For him how you look physically is extremely important. Since I was 11 he would make me run on a threadmill because I was a little chubby (as little kids can be tho now I look normal), he would comment on everything that I ate and if I would gain a little bit of weight he would be sure to let me know (still does). When I was a teenager I had a bit of an anorexia problem (he never noticed) and I was obsessed with excercising, which he was very proud of. Now I would say I am very self aware of my image and never truly feel good in my skin unless I am excercising a lot and am crazy fit, tho it has gotten much better I do tend to eat emotionally.

    His relationship with my mom is very toxic, they call themselves a ‘team’ but that is not how it is. She has pretty much never been allowed to have a life (friends, opinions, independence) and has always had to be on his side in arguments because otherwise he would go crazy. I love her, but I can not be too close to her because anything I tell her is like directly telling my dad, she is like his little spy so I can just not trust her with my personal things. I would say my relationship with my parents is very superficial and I have become an expert at pretending, because showing them who I really am was never really an option. My brothers completely show them who they are and my dad hates them for it, he cannot accept we have advanced to a point where we dont need anything from him.

    I guess this gives you an idea of how things are, it happens to a lot of people. I have reflected a lot on how this has made me who I am and it is pretty clear to me. How is makes me deal with food, how it makes me pretend I am someone else with guys, and how it makes me need their constant approval and attenion. But what I am trying to work on now is how to just let that go of what made me this way and focus on the future and who I want to be. Try to really see myself for who I am without all the pretending. Easier said then done.

    By the way, the guy I initially started the threat about has left the country and I am taking this as an opportunity to not date at all and focus on myself (he will be back for a month in august so maybe then we can hang out a bit again). I have a lot of things to work on before I even consider dating again tho I do admit I miss having a guy to text, see, spend time with…it feels like a detox

    #357179
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sam:

    After I read your recent post, I re-read your posts in your previous thread and in this one, shining the light of the  new information into the older posts:

    The key sentence for me is the following, regarding your father: “He is very controlling, judgmental and has repressed us a lot, tho of  course he is also very loving in his own way.”

    Of your two parents he was always the powerful one, and children gravitate toward the powerful parent, wanting the love of the powerful parent. Your father’s love was your motivation: what you needed and desired.

    He wanted you to be thin and physically fit, and you accommodated him to the best of your ability, still do: “never truly feel good in my skin unless I am exercising a lot and am crazy fit”. He wanted you to not have an opinion he did not agree with, so you hid any such opinion. He didn’t want you to want something he didn’t approve of, so you hid any such wants. He cared a lot about perfect appearances, so you accommodated him best you were able, pretending to be and feel perfectly, hiding what is imperfect. He “wanted absolute loyalty and obedience”, and you gave him that.

    Your brothers “completely show.. who  they are and my father hates them for it”. You don’t want your father to hate you, so you hide yourself from your father.

    The way you operated with your father is the way you operate with men:

    – You gave your ex boyfriend the obedience that your father demanded: “I have given him the impression that he has a lot of control to make the decisions”.

    – You gave your ex boyfriend the perfection that your father demanded (pretending to be and feel perfectly, and give up/ hide what is imperfect): “he is very happy in the relationship and says I am the best girlfriend he has had… I feel I have cheated him by pretending to be so okay with everything all this time.. agreeing so often to giving up things I find important in a relationship”.

    * With your father, you felt that if you became independent, if you showed him what you think and feel (with which he would disagree), you will betray the obedience and loyalty that he demanded, and that will hurt his feelings terribly. Hurting your father terribly would make you a terrible little person.

    This fear that you will hurt your father terribly and be a bad, guilty person for it spilled into your exaggerated fear and guilt regarding hurting your ex boyfriend: “the fear of hurting him so so badly… I feel like a horrible person for hurting him… He does not have much of a support system and that worries me.. I see him suffering as he can see I have distanced myself.. last night I told him that I worry about him”.

    I am assuming your ex boyfriend is as okay (or as not okay) now without you in his life as he was when you were in his life. And I think that your father will be just as he is now, if you no longer obey him:  he will not collapse.

    A child confuses her feelings with her parent’s- it is she who needs the parents terribly, she who feels so terribly hurt when her parent rejects her, but she imagines that it is the parent who needs her terribly, and that the parent will feel so terribly hurt if she, the child, rejects her parent.

    “how to just let that go of what made me this way and focus on the future and who I want to be. Try to really see myself for who I am without the pretending”- it will take you believing that your father will survive and be just as he is now after you no longer obey him and dare to be you. If you believe this, no longer feeling like a bad person to choose to be you, you will be able to start the process of becoming who you already are inside, showing what you’ve been hiding for so long.

    * I think that your intense fear of hurting your father terribly is expressed here: “I have tried to break up before but I just haven’t been able to utter the words, it literally feels like they are stuck in my throat! Like when you scream in a dream but no noise comes out of your mouth”.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .
    #357195
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks once again for your amazing reply.

    I do see the similarities between my relationship with my dad and my relationship with boyfriends. I operate in the same way building on the principle that by  being an independent woman it will damage my relationship with them, therefore giving them a lot of control and power as to appease the situation, even when this is not even something they required from me at all. This is something I have to do differently in the future, and that is why I think it is important for me to fully focus on myself for a while until I reach a point where I feel  in control of my own life, not giving any men stakes in it, including my dad.

    I want to find a way to do things differently with men, I want to find a way to let go of co-dependence, thrive and seek only approval from within. Only when I feel complete by myself can I invite someone else into my life. I guess the next step for me is to figure out what I want for myself, tho I must admit it is extremely hard for me not to have a guy in my life. I tend to overlap relationships just to make sure I have someone and I feel rather naked and vulnerable now that I don’t have a guy. Today alone I have thought about writing to a guy a couple of times, even if just for a bit of attention. I want to feel strong and fulfilled by myself.

    Do you have advice on how to start this process?

    Love, sam

    #357197
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sam:

    “Only when I feel complete by myself can I invite someone else into my life”- no matter how much you work on yourself as a single woman, once you invite a man into your life, it will be a challenge. Because relationship issues have to be worked in the context of a relationship.

    If you met now the right man for you, it would be an opportunity to work on what you need to work on, with his help, the two of you working together as a team. Working on yourself as a single woman is an excellent idea, it can help a whole lot, but still.. much work will need to be done when you enter a relationship.

    “how to start this process?”- what is the status of your counseling/ therapy?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .
    #357199
    Sam
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Yeah you are very right in that!

    The status of my counseling is non existent, I have considered it a lot and would like to have someone to talk to but I have a bit of a tricky financial situation at the moment so it is hard for me to pay someone, and in my country it is very expensive…I could always try through my gm but they only take cases that have some heavier issues than mine as I understand. I will explore options tho.

    #357202
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sam:

    Best would be quality psychotherapy- notice the modifier quality. If such is not available to you, then I can tell you about my experience with the quality therapy I received in 2011-2013, which started in the process of emotional/ mental healing. I thought you mentioned having gone to counseling/ therapy before. If you did have any experience with therapy, do let me know what it was, and we can take it from there. Take your time answering; I will be back to your thread tomorrow morning, which is in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.