Are you sure being single is what you really want/need if you always immediately jump into another relationship or do you feel there is something lacking in your life (likely within yourself) that you might be able to find if you just take more time to focus on yourself and your wants while you’re in this relationship?

Your boyfriend sounds like he’s really reasonable and loves you, so it sounds like if you just talk to him about needing a little more “me time” alone to figure yourself out, I bet he would give that to you without much of an issue.  Then just take that time to yourself to dig deep into your feelings/emotions and figure out WHY you’re a people please or why you always feel the need to break up after some time (which actually, Anita on this message board could probably help you with. She’s good at helping people to dive into those things because a lot of it has to do with things that happened when we were younger). Look for ways to help you be and feel more assertive rather than being a people pleaser. I ended up going through counseling to help me with that because I used to be a people pleaser, too, and also used to overthink, so perhaps if counseling is an option for you, that might be extremely helpful in that way, too.

I think the wall that goes up and your indecision may be your intuition telling you that breaking up with him might not be the right decision, especially if your relationship is good overall. It’s possible to find yourself while you’re in a relationship, so maybe that’s what you should focus on instead of being single (especially because being single itself won’t help you find yourself), and then see how you feel after some time.

Dear Yours:

Reads to me that on one hand you greatly need to be in a relationship, and on the other hand, maintaining a relationship is very taxing for you, it takes a whole lot out of you, so you yearn to be free.

This is the part of the relationship that is so taxing for you: “I am a total people pleaser and have a tough time standing my ground, doing what your boyfriend is doing “just being himself”, that is, it is taxing for you not being just that, yourself.

Problem is that for the two of you in a relationship have to compromise yourselves and experiment with new things: he needs to compromise his habit of eating on the sofa in front of the TV, experiment with eating at the kitchen table with you. Maybe he will like it if he tries!

But if his attitude is: this “is how he is and that is never going to change”- then he is the wrong guy for you. Because this attitude means life has to be his way and not at all your way, my-way-or-the-highway type thing. This is not at all loving on his part, not at all “so sweet and loves me”.

He told you from the beginning of the relationship that he is  not willing to live your way at all,  only his way (“he has been very clear about it since the beginning”) and you accommodated him for a long time. It is no wonder to me that he says that you are “the best girlfriend he has had”.

You brought up a moral dilemma: he told you from the beginning that it is his way or the highway, basically, and you were not clear with him, meaning you didn’t tell him you want to live your life with him your way as well as his, and therefore you “cheated him by pretending to be so okay with everything all this time”.

My beginning input on your moral dilemma: it is similar to this- two people meet, one says: I want you to be my slave, the other says: okay and proceeds to be a good slave. A few years later, the slave says: I don’t want to be a slave, I don’t like it! And the slave owner says: well, that is not fair! I told you from the beginning that I want you to be my slave and you agreed! And then you were my slave for years and I like it. I is not fair that you change the rules!

So the slave says: well, I still want to be with you, just not a slave. Can we be together in a different way? And the slave owner says: no! I like it this way! And you agreed to it. And you were my best slave ever!

Am I going too far with my imagining?

anita

Yours,

It really sounds to me like your needs aren’t being met in this relationship, so it’s not actually a good relationship, even though things are fine and stable. Having your needs met are important and from what you’ve said in the 2nd post, it sounds like your partner isn’t very willing to do this. This really makes you two incompatible. What do you think?