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Dear Jasmine,
Thank you for reading it. I am seeking therapy It doesn’t really help, I pretty much have to rewire my entire pattern of thinking . At this point I am exhausted. I know I came across quite blunt in my post but it was out of momentarily rush of thoughts and sheer pain . I will probably take it down. Took a lot of courage to pour it out on a forum like this . Be it out of anger .Thank you for remembering me in your prayers though . I do read your post and everyone’s else and it helps to know that perhaps others can relate to me in this journey . I definitely do not want store resentment in my heart . It’s too heavy as it is . Perhaps in due time I will understand and welcome the concept of forgiveness for myself . But seems like a long and tedious journey till then. It’s like writing your research thesis , when you think you made progress, some outlier takes you two steps back . I would appreciate the links for meditation and healing though . Anything really at that point that can calm me and help alleviate the pain.
Dear Jess,
I still break down every other day. I can very much relate to your last post. I do think I am going through those phases right now, specially (” ah I am only going to focus on my career), ( I need to go somewhere, take a vacation) and ( I don’t need a man, I am going to be single and happy ) haha good to know that I am not very different from others in the same boat.
I break down on most nights and as I do, I come here to read your letter. It gives me strength to move on, so thank you Jess. However, at the same time, it scares me from opening a can of things that I have realized about myself and others during this journey. It is time to face them I guess, I am not sure if digging it and ” dealing ” with things that are happening within me is the way at this point in time. Don’t you think in order for me to survive I should just not dig deeper and just move on, point blank. I almost wish I can start over like what John Locke once called ‘Tabula Rasa” aka blank slate. My mind only focuses and dwells upon the good moments I shared with him, ignoring the many worse times. My brain just filters out all the pain he gave me and goes back to holding on good things tightly. As if, its almost wired to filter out the all the inconveniences of our relationship and remember only the good.
Thank you Jess for taking the time to read and reply, I have read your other posts and I must say you sound like a wise woman. You are right, his love was not strong, perhaps that’s why I am the one feeling the loss here. For me I would say, I saw a best friend in him, on whom I can rely- emotionally yes. However, I don’t know if it is a good or bad thing. He expected the same from me for his daily emotional needs and wants. I thought it was mutual. I do have other friends and I am generally a socially active person, therefore he was not the only guy friend in my life that I could resort to for sharing anything. I just thought that’s what you do in a relationship, listen and support each other . Perhaps I did share more of my past than I should have , perhaps it wasn’t necessary for me to open up to the point where I openly verbalized my vulnerabilities. I guess going back to the concept of boundaries here again. But don’t you think it is a slippery slope here Jess ?? I shared sensitive information because I thought I could trust him and that he will never use my past to criticize my present ( after all, my experience shaped the same person he said he loved )
I admired his qualities that I initially found attractive and stayed fixated on them for the longest time, often ignoring the bad. I don’t know why I did that, I did have a choice- not to ignore it after all. He did validate me, but for me that validation seemed like it was coming from a place of love and care.
I knew I didn’t deserve the treatment I received . But I was too afraid to lose that friend I saw in him – someone to talk to without the fear of judgement. Now I never want to trust another person for sharing any part of my life, if my best friend/ bf can use the power against me. Who else can I trust ? ? It takes my faith away from anyone and everyone. I can sense myself being closed off already.
The hardest thing about all of this, is accepting that he did treat me very very wrong and I deserve to move on. I can’t conquer the idea of him not being here. Even though I wasn’t happy with the man he later turned out to be, part of me still wants to hold on to him ( I find this problematic ). I wish I understand this concept better with age and time that why would I want to stay with someone that is not serving me or adding value to my life, instead giving me pain. Why do I want to hold on to every last bit of it! Why do I only sulk over the good times! I should not miss someone like that right ?? But I do !! And yes I am scared like never before, sometimes I sit blankly not knowing what to do if not talk to him ( even though I have a pile of things to be taken care of ) I never looked at it as dependency, always thought its mutual emotional bonding- he shared things so did I .maybe I should look into ‘ psychology of wanting to be in a crappy relationship with abusive partners” ,obviously I am missing something here . Thank you jess for your Insight <3
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 