Forum Replies Created
December 9, 2016 at 7:53 pm #122375
The questions is how ? how do I unlearn making others the centre of my life ? I do not know the answer and I am struggling. I have a certain relationship with loneliness, I am not able to be alone because of my past childhood experiences. These ” others” are what I resort to, when I am running away from being still, from being with myself, therefore their judgment takes a sort of toll on my mind and body. Maybe if I can figure out a way to be with myself, I won’t be so dependent on others and their judgement ( to an unhealthy extent I mean, everybody needs healthy levels of social support sure).December 9, 2016 at 7:12 pm #122365
@newlife123 Dear Anita,
It is so lovely to hear from you. You are absolutely right, you have seen me throughout the years. Yes I did post sometime ago when I was struggling to recover from my major break up. As far as I recall you were a great help. I would love to connect with you further. But I am not sure what you mean by unlearning some of the problematic things? I definitely believe I have formed unhealthy patterns and one of them is not being able to be alone, be still, without feeling the need to be somewhere else, be seen, be heard, takes so much time though ( all the time that I waste moving from one place to another within my day, if I only I could get work done in that time. I will do another post about this, seems like a deeper existential query.December 9, 2016 at 7:00 pm #122363
@meraki6 Hang in there bud. Honestly, reading your response made me feel like you are expanding on how I feel on most days. Especially the physiological symptoms, I have stopped caring about deadlines. I ask for extensions after extensions, sometimes to the point that I miss my 2nd, 3rd extensions as well. There is no sense of motivation to do them but constantly feeling this uneasiness and anxiety about them (knowing there is work to be done in the back of my head). Perhaps clear case of procrastination ? or a lack of perspective ? I don’t know. Its really lonely down inside and nothing seems to fulfill that. Maybe this is just a phase, I do know late twenties can be verya difficult time period, so I have heard from my elders, that gives me some hope. But hang in there, this shall pass by as well. Sending you much love.December 9, 2016 at 6:50 pm #122361
I do give myself permission to not look beyond the given day but having no vision of tomorrow, my today seems confused and pointless on most days. I have been trying to sit with my feelings of discomfort and let them pass by, it is extremely difficult. Your words does give me some comfort knowing that others also go through similar emotional roller coaster.October 27, 2015 at 10:31 am #86224
@inky- Those are some very practical actions to take. Thank you, I am happy to be working towards a career but I guess when you start comparing yourself to others around your age, that is when things start to look slow and hazy.
@newlife123- My feeling of void comes from a need to find comfort when things are uncomfortable, be it finding comfort in new clothes, casual dates or relationships ( often unhealthy ones). There is always this longing for comfort, even right now as I am typing this, there is an underlying anxiety and distress and my mind automatically draws me to momentarily releases ( thought about smoking too but haven’t started that yet). I really struggle to find comfort within myself.July 8, 2014 at 2:42 pm #60434
Thank you everyone for being so kind with your words.
@inky and @joshua I have thought about writing a letter a lot of times but then I don’t see a point in doing so. Why should I teach someone a lesson when that is the mere purpose of life. It teaches us all. Part of me does not want him to become a better person, not at my expense at least. Why should I tell him what took me months to realize, I don’t see him as deserving of any information or wisdom. I know we learn when our essential nature catches up with us. It sounds probably wrong, that I don’t want him to become a better human being. But as much as I want to let it out of my system and express the pain and hurt, I don’t want to do his HW for him. I am also dealing this innate fear of ” if I tell him everything I realized and learnt in these past painful months, it makes his job easier.”- I recognize part of it is probably my ego talking. But it will unfair, I believe in karma of our actions and I want the karma to play its role without me saying anything ( I know I know I sound resentful) But I don’t have much left after being devoid of my energy over mental and physical abuse.July 6, 2014 at 8:13 pm #60306
I can relate to you on many levels. I am almost 25, and I have been through what you are going through now. First and foremost, I would highly recommend that you engage in self care. I cannot emphasize how important this is. I recently came out of a devastating 3 year long relationship, with a lot of self doubts. To top things off, going to graduate school and doubting my own competence and intelligence. So I know how you must be feeling. Things get pretty messy. All I will say is engage in self care and make it your priority. Seek the help you need, for me it was therapy. Sometimes we feel so stuck in our circumstances that we see no progressive outlet and that is a trap. Make yourself your first priority and once you are healthy and back on your feet, you will attract similar loving and healthy relationships in your life. I used to be a person who was always a listener and never a speaker, especially about my preferences in things. I would always listen to people share their thoughts and emotions but when I needed them to be there in my time of suffering, they mostly bailed out. Nevertheless, this was a good lesson, I can now make better choices by choosing the group of friends that reciprocate in a similar fashion. I no longer hold the desire to hang on to my older friendships, because I clearly see how unhealthy it was for me to stick around. Give yourself time and focus, and accept yourself without any judgement in this period of transition. It is natural, we all feel overwhelmed by transitional changes. It is a part of being human. Be there for yourself first, and reach out in any way you can to get what you need to be healthy. Your well being should be your primary concern. Everything else will fall into place on its own in due time.
Good Luck 🙂June 2, 2014 at 11:26 pm #57979
You are all awesome and I love you guys for sharing your insights <3
@theruminant You have beautifully explained one of my major dilemmas so far. I often struggle with having a concrete view of the self which can be defined. My friends, when asked who are they define themselves as ” confidant, independent, kind ECt ” and I could never pin it down to one or two or even a couple of things. You said ” who they seem to be is not the totality of who they are, and what is underneath is more similar than different ” – I actually read something very similar by Osho as well. Once I started coming to terms with this very realization, I do feel connected to people and realize that those that have hurt me in the past, they are also suffering in much pain ( pain that haven’t risen to their surface yet ) it’s such a beautiful concept once you get hold of it .
It’s interesting how as human beings we have a fear of being lost or having a crisis. I myself have suffered from a fear of being weak, not able to handle it ect than actually being weak when the moment arises. I also see the fixation at times of having a fixed identity and beliefs about what we are and what we ” should be ” . Ah the should statements gets me the most :/ What I am – is changing in any given moment – very true, but don’t you think that sometimes having a fluid sense of self can also create conflict / crisis ? For me it creates confusion. For example – am I suppose to be strong in a given moment of pain or should I allow myself to break down and let it out of my system ? If I develop a pattern of breaking down each time ( since I allowed myself to ) then will I ever know what it is to be strong ? It’s hard to separate thoughts of what I am suppose to be and what I am . A positive supposition can sometimes be a self fulfilling prophecy you know. The whole idea of ” fake it till you make it ”
But I do see your point. I was sitting on a small hill top in a park where two little kids (4-5 yr olds ) were trying to go around the hill today.
The younger one said : ” I don’t see where we are going I don’t see the path”( in a worrisome tone )
Older one responded : “Just keep walking you will see the path soon, it’s already there we just have to keep walking and we will see it ”
I had a huge smile on my face after eaves dropping on their little talk . Haha things you learn from kids 😀May 21, 2014 at 11:58 pm #56823
Cyd your words did resonate with me deeply. Just that overlying and overbearing feeling that takes me of track at times. That feeling of ” I wish I can make you understand what you did was soo wrong” – This takes over me so much, as much I try to resist, it persist. As the saying goes. And you are right, perhaps that will be seeking validation all over again but overtime your heart and mind gets so used to having that mentality that any chance you get calling for a change and anything that makes you look and feel powerful supersedes rational logic. I know it is none of my business to tell him what is wrong with him. But I have had that done to me for so long that my mind automatically reverts back to its egotistical ways.
Kelly Thanks for sharing the website. The author has pretty awesome practical and relatable insights. I loved it !!
Mann, It is my ego indeed. I do recognize it more clearly now than ever. It really seems like a work of a lifetime, my automatic way of thinking is defensive these days. But when I look at the bigger picture I do try to zoom out and snap out of the tiny details that were keeping me tied up in this vicious circle.May 21, 2014 at 11:47 pm #56822
Inky you mentioned that some people get angry when we break free of the box they have created for us. It is true, the box can be created by them. But we choose to stay in it. Must be our short comings though right ?. I know I know lots of work to do for me:)May 21, 2014 at 11:41 pm #56821
Jasmine, your replies always put a smile on my face. I am learning to respect and create boundaries for myself and others. And I can already see the impact it has on me, things are so simple when boundaries are clear. And yes I did realize expectations are the core of my misery. It feels much lighter to have no expectations of anyone but myself. I did not contact or replied to him, even though my mind often takes me back to that urge and I can say not doing so is already making much difference. It takes me some time to comprehend the messages and register it in my mind. And the most awesome part is most people here gives a similar advice that I somewhere deep down, already know is the right thing to do. I often come back here to read all of your words over a few times and it helps me keep going. Many Thanks for your lovely prayers.May 18, 2014 at 2:57 pm #56484
Moongal, I am running a little behind in reading your post. But as I was reading it I had a tiny smile on my face, knowing that as humans even though we are so unique in our own kind we have so much in common. Especially our everyday struggles. You mentioned comparing yourself to others and feeling uncertain at times. I am in the same boat. I was also looking into post graduate school but this overlying feeling of uncertainty and lack of stability in my life and career often fills me with feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. But overtime, I did realize that comparing myself to others and having too many ” I should be ” statements and self talk really did create a lot of unhappiness and restlessness.
Off course as human beings we look for stability in our lives. But uncertainty has it’s own beauty in itself and more often you will find what is uncertain now will unfold for the better in due time and you will have a clear perspective
( see you did get your first acceptance letter, I am sure there are lots more to come). For the longest time, I almost had a need to know things with greater certainty, momentary doubts created nothing but fear. But I have realized that everyone makes their own discoveries in their own time. Not allowing yourself this time and to always run with the crowd is not only exhausting but counter productive.
Funny that Matt mentioned OSho, I was recently reading one of his books and your post resonated with it. The moment we are living in tomorrow we are living a half hearted today. Plus our tomorrow which seems so uncertain is born out of today. So if you let the impatience just pass by as it enters your mind and body, it will slowly pass by without causing too much disturbance . All you have to do is just wait and watch it like an observer . Accept it’s presence and send it on its way, allowing it to take it’s own course. Do check our Brene Browm’ s “Whole Hearted Living” She goes over very similar concepts in much detail and precision . You sound like a bright and compassionate soul and I am positive that everything will work out and in time you will have a clear vision. If it is taking long, ItS OKAY 🙂 you are going to be just fine and make it out much stronger.
– ZitaMay 18, 2014 at 1:56 pm #56483
Long distance relationship tend to be an odd ball. From personal experience of 3 years with a guy In LD relationship. I can say one thing- that you definitely have to put effort from both sides. If one person is falling short/ making excuses for not having time, eventually you will start questioning the nature of your relationship. She emphasizes on being ” right there ” because as humans we have a proclivity to hold on to something that is close, tangible and in our reach. Not to say this is an excuse for her to not take time out for you. If you are anywhere on her priority list, it will come naturally and be effortless. Personally my relationship couldn’t survive because the guy had very similar tendencies that you mentioned. I did try to make him understand and work at things. But the distance really does become chaotic if you don’t direct it in the right direction .
It’s better to put your concerns out there in all honesty and if the person is still not responding to your needs and wants in a relationship then you have your answer. Hopefully things will work out for you, just be authentic to yourself and her and have clear expectations and boundaries. It’s better to do this sooner than later. Good Luck !
– ZitaMay 15, 2014 at 12:20 am #56309
I would like to start by saying a heartfelt Thank You to all of you. Your kind words and replies to my post ( often wee bit scary I know haha ) in the past have helped me grow and self reflect so much. I disappeared for sometime but this time really allowed me to come out stronger and bring some healing into my life. I am in a much better place than I was 3 weeks ago. I would really like to thank @theruminant, @jasmine-3 , @simpleal , @cameron, @elliedodge, @moongal and anyone that I missed to mention. You guys were great with your responses, very supportive and kind. Makes me embrace the humanness of all of us even more.
I have been doing a lot of reading everything from OSho to Eckhart Tolle to Robin Sharma and I can say now that I am slowly embracing the power of living in my present moment rather than the past. Detaching myself from from my thoughts that were taking over me so much few weeks ago has helped me tremendously. Descartes probably had it wrong with his ” I think therefore I am ” duality. It’s more like “I am therefore I think”. And really it has been a roller coaster in last few weeks but understanding I am not just my mind in any given moment has made so much difference to observe the fluctuating emotions in and out of me. Again, I hope all of you are doing great in your respective lives and thank you for having such a positive impact in my journey .
ZitaApril 27, 2014 at 3:28 am #55435
You did understand my question correctly. I guess I couldn’t have worded it better. Yes this was precisely my point and a topic of contemplation ” if he came on here (for example) he would be offered the advice for self forgiveness and self compassion etc? And quite rightly, why should he have the opportunity for that? ”
I personally respect the people that seek forgiveness and the ones that have a heart to forgive. It has been a battle for me for few weeks now. The more I resist thinking about it , the more my thoughts about him persist .
I did try reading, and it helps. I like the idea of adding to the same letter, instead of rehashing everything down. But I also worry that writing my true feelings might lead me to actually send the letter . Which I will probably regret . My subconscious mind knows that the letter is not meant to be send. Perhaps reading it out loud might create that space . I am usually a calm person , but in all fairness I am having hard time accepting the idea that if he were to come here people will tell him to forgive himself and my suffering will have to weight in the end . But thank you for your suggestions, I do a lot of reading and writing, just have to get in a habit stepping out of my mind when I am seeing a downward spiral .
- This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Zita.