Hard time shifting my focus !

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    I have written a few post earlier and found everyone’s insights very helpful. Most people suggested shifting my focus from my broken previous abusive relationship/ ex bf onto myself. I am not able to do that, I have tried engaging proactively in things I like to do, spend time with friends and family, read a book, go work out, draw what not.

    But I randomly burst into tears out of no where, nothing in my current environment triggers the emotions that I can pin point. It feels like the anger, hurt is always lurking in the background unconsciously ready to pop out at all times. I do not know what to do about it anymore. Do I feel better after I suddenly cry? Yes, I do. But when will this stop, how do I shift my focus onto myself again. I know it is not my job to tell people where and how they went wrong. Why should I after all. Part of me says ” I am going to let him figure his doings himself, because that is life, our true self eventually catches up with ourselves. Specially when we intentionally hurt another person” but the other part of me gets angry and resentful at and goes into ” I should tell him how he has wronged me” This is such a frustrating battle. I do not like repeatedly writing/ talking about it and I am seeking all the help I can. I just want to not be preoccupied with his thoughts, he should hold no value in my life anymore ( rationally speaking ) then why am I having such hard time focusing on myself. Why is my mind so full of ” this is how he wronged you tell him that” What can I do to shift my focus onto greater things in life rather than giving into my mind playing these tricks. Thanks for reading.

    – Zita

    Christopher Brennan

    Hey there Zita,

    You’re not alone in feeling this, so please don’t worry.

    It’s a tough one to shift your focus, and to forget, but that is a tribute to the love in your heart, that you felt so much for this person and that you feel thoroughly disappointed about the way things turned out and the horrid way in which he treated you. I went through the same thing and I too feel the way you do….and it’s been a year now – so it can be a long hard road. But it does get less frequent, it does get better with the passing of time. What you need to think is that whatever wrong was done to you, it was a reflection of the other person, of their own insecurities and their own lack of love and compassion. It’s not about you, you are beautiful. They will quite probably do the same to another until they learn to respect all living creatures, including themselves.

    Hang on in there, keep working on yourslelf, know that you are not alone in this and that there is no ‘right time’ to be over it, let it be, accept it, feel and acknowledge your feelings both positive and negative and I will do the same. And together, you and I and all the others who are going through the same thing will get out of this with a bigger heart, more compassion, and a greater potential to love, and to be loved.

    Much love to you



    Hi Zita,

    The reason you are having a hard time shifting your focus is because this current issue is unresolved. You stated that “I know it is not my job to tell people where and how they went wrong,” but in this case it is your job. When someone hurts you, either physically or emotionally, it is your duty to let them know what they have done.

    Telling them is not only so the other person can hopefully learn, but to help with the healing process for you. If you don’t want to tell him in person/over the phone, write a letter. You don’t even have to mail it, but this will help you give a voice to your pain and suffering, which will also help you let go and come to peace with it. The uncontrollable sobbing is your bodies way of voicing that hurt.

    Give it a voice, let it tell you what’s really going on. It may be deeper than you realize. And once you do this, you will have an easier time focusing on you.


    I agree. As scary as it is, once you “tell him off” you

    1. Reclaim your power in a touch stone way

    2. Give yourself closure, so that you can say, “I did tell him. Now he knows. I have done all I could.”

    You’ll be amazed how much focus you will then have for yourself when you are your own self’s best advocate.


    Zita…m going through the same thing…i am trying all possible ways to shift my focus…but everytime i do tat, his thoughts occupy me more than ever before…i know we will all heal with time…but yes, the process wud be no easy…i can’t take ur pain but i certainly understand it…i wonder y relationships are so complicating…i wonder y 2 people cant just throw away all ego & hard feelings & just get together for a beautiful life…i wonder y they do not understan that its just one life we get & its too short for hatred & pain…

    I truly wish u heal soon…i know u will…u r a strong soul…be sad…& cry as long as u wan to…eventually, u will be fine…we will be fine…



    Don’t you worry my friend, things will definitely get better. Keep an open mind for whatever comes your way, make new friends, visit new places. Try to keep yourself a bit busy, take good care of your health. Times will change, you will thank your self for keeping up. Try to meditate, keep reminding yourself that you want to feel better and are trying to do that. Shift your focus from thoughts that remind you of the past. One fine day, you Will see that it is time to move on, you will forgive him, yourself; and you will be done with that.
    Lastly, maybe you already know about this but try- tell yourself as many times as possible that you love yourself more than anyone else in this world, and that you will stand up for yourself no matter what you do, and things turn out.


    Thank you everyone for being so kind with your words.

    and @joshua I have thought about writing a letter a lot of times but then I don’t see a point in doing so. Why should I teach someone a lesson when that is the mere purpose of life. It teaches us all. Part of me does not want him to become a better person, not at my expense at least. Why should I tell him what took me months to realize, I don’t see him as deserving of any information or wisdom. I know we learn when our essential nature catches up with us. It sounds probably wrong, that I don’t want him to become a better human being. But as much as I want to let it out of my system and express the pain and hurt, I don’t want to do his HW for him. I am also dealing this innate fear of ” if I tell him everything I realized and learnt in these past painful months, it makes his job easier.”- I recognize part of it is probably my ego talking. But it will unfair, I believe in karma of our actions and I want the karma to play its role without me saying anything ( I know I know I sound resentful) But I don’t have much left after being devoid of my energy over mental and physical abuse.


    I understand what you’re saying totally! There is a grey line between “‘Justice is Mine’, sayeth the Lord” and “Somebody call the police ~ on me!!”

    Occasionally rude and snarky people have briefly entered my reality (in the marketplace) ~ I could tell them off, but I know full well that someone “bigger, badder and tougher” than me will soon enough teach them a Life Lesson way better than I ever could! And lo and behold, a month later they have mysteriously disappeared or are suddenly subdued LOL!

    So sit back and hopefully their karma will roll in so you can see it!

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
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