hello Amita,

You sound very much like me. The opinion of others around me defined who I was for a very long time. I started to become different people. When I was around my parents, I was “polite” and happy and wore “respectful” clothes. I also would wear something that would make me look thinner because they were always on my back about my weight. I was then different people around different groups of friends, and even was a different person around my boyfriend. I was never satisfied because everytime I met someone, I would take what they had and tried to “fit in” and be like them when I knew I would see them again. I guess we all fall into this trap, because it’s basically impossible to not have some sort of attachment to approval energies because we want to be liked. That being said, it shouldn’t define your life. I am only 19 and the past 6 months I have gone through (what I call) an amazing journey of anxiety disorder. I still get moments of it, but it’s not as bad as what it was. I can still remember the day it started, and looking back now, nothing had actually “changed” as such, apart from my mental state, but boy was it a challenge. And that’s why I call it an amazing journey because it showed me who I am and was a path and journey my destiny was wanting me to face to come out the other side with a new perspective of myself.

the biggest thing i’ve probably learnt from it all (which i’ve only discovered in the last month) is that your inner bully is responsible for a lot of my suffering, comparing, depressed states, upset, angry etc. Because when I look at it now, the only thing making me do these things is because my inner bully has told me “i’m not good enough” “that girl is prettier than you, you should feel sad” “your life isn’t going great, time to look at it negatively” and when i realised that my life isn’t bad, I love my life, I may not be the prettiest or skinniest but that didn’t define someone and any other negative stuff that came from my inner bully, I was just so angry at it! this person had been dictating my life and trying to make me see things the way I didn’t want to see them, or in that matter, were not true! A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder because i was so subjective to all this negativity, even when i used to try and impress people, the only person telling me that was my inner bully. they were basically saying “you need to impress and change for these people, otherwise they will think differently of you” GOOD GOD!

So on your path and journey, just take in your inner chit chat and ask yourself, is this true? or is this my inner bully pushing me around? i like to think of my inner bully as an alien who doesn’t understand planet earth, or me, or my life and just spits out random rubbish because it doesn’t understand.

another thing is to try to not to “look” and “seek” for something too hard. When your trying to do something, you may be dissapointed every time you don’t find it. I did this for ages. I was just going in circles. But do things, and then reflect on them. How did you act? if i was another person, would I want to meet me?,

another concept is to write down your values. And see if you are living buy them. These can be sentences, or just words. Some of mine were: see strength, feel compassion, inspire gratitude and share love. When you do these, you will definitely feel like your own person, because no one has the same values. They might be the same concepts, but people feel them differently.

The biggest thing is to not compare yourself. What do you have, or what do you do or what can you bring to the world? and life is a journey, what ‘good’ are you going to leave behind when your life comes to an end? are you going to care and help people? are you going to make a person smile each day? are you going to meditate? are you going to put your rubbish in the bin?

Most of all, just be kind to yourself. There is no set destination for finding yourself, because as we get older, we learn more and more. Just start off small. Only time will tell. You are the only version of you, and no one else can do what you can bring to life.

Hope this helps
xxx