Hi Umi…

Glad to see someone feeling alike me amongst the world of ambitions and goals…Like you, I was a bright academic student till I was in college…As a normal kid, I was burdened with expectations of being “successful” which meant I should get good job and earn packages…I was pursuing degree in Law and couldn’t clear in multiple attempts…It looked like a failure to all those who were expecting high results for me…people started treating me like I was a failure…this was followed with break up in my first relationship and you can imagine depth of depression.

However, I kept reading self help stuff of all kinds and none appealed me…I could not connect with any of those…each and every self help seemed to be materialistic methodology and none of it allowed me to be like me…Lately I started questioning myself why aren’t these self help topics appealing?

I started to talk to myself without judging me for the answers that were coming by core questioning…

The self help topics weren’t helping me because none of them spoke the reality…none of them touched the root of cause…all of the topics focused on how to get out of depression and be “successful” again…I realised I don’t want to be “successful”…I don’t want the limelight of success, I don’t want too much of money to feel accomplished…I don’t wan’t fake relationships at work…I started developing disliking towards corporate culture and lifestyle…I did not want to work for money….I started becoming ambitionless…did not know what work I like…

I sat at home depending on my parents for living….I did not like this idea as well…I did not want to depend on them for lifetime…Also I did not want to get married and start depending on husband like it happens in typical Indian families…so I started working in a company…again I was amidst ambitious people who are always “updated” in their fields and working hard to get up the corporate ladder…It was difficult for me to share myself of how I am with them, because firstly they would not understand how I am…and secondly they would value me less in terms of my capabilities (though I am much more intelligent and efficient than them) But just because I am not ambitious and clear in my career, they would value me less…So I am trapped in between such people…

Presently I shared my this feeling of ambitionless and not wanting to achieve anything with my close friend…Like a normal person, he started telling me that you need to have ambition and clarity, of what to do in life..need to find purpose of life…and all such things started creating a feeling of guilt and inferiority complex, a fear of being left out…So I needed to share my this reality with someone who would understand how is this feeling and I ended up on this post.

I was and am still confused what I need in life and am living a directionless life…all these is happening still I am strangely happy in my life. I go to my job daily and give best to do my work efficiently. I do job to have financial independence. I enjoy my work because it challenges my intelligence and I gain satisfaction by completing that challenge, though I do not like the work culture.

I like to discuss real stuff of how life, nature and existence are like…explore simplicity of life and nature…lead a simple life and enjoying small things. Sometimes I get drawn by luxuries (as a result of what is being portrayed in movies and social media), but for that I need to earn more which requires more ambition, which I don’t have, and I stay contended in my small meaningless life…The feelings of guilt and fear of being left out goes in a while when I see birds swinging on tree branches, dogs enjoying the sunshine, wagging tails…

I don’t know how my reply would be of help to you, but felt good to share myself to someone who feels alike…

Thanks for reading! All the best and have a happy life 🙂