“Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.” ~Unknown
The other day, a friend told me how his previous relationship fell apart. His girlfriend failed to disclose a major resentment based on a misconception, and instead initiated a series of arguments over little things until their relationship eventually collapsed under the weight of all that confrontation.
I explained how I practice radical honesty with my boyfriend. Essentially, I disclose everything I think and feel about him that I have trouble resolving in my head, knowing full well most of it has more to do with me.
There are times when I feel annoyed with him, but later discover I was actually angry with myself. There are times I get frustrated with him when there’s nothing he’s done–I’ve just had a difficult day. And there are other times when I doubt him, but soon realize I misinterpreted what he did or said.
A lot of people swallow these passing thoughts and judgments, or push them down to avoid making unnecessary waves. But I’ve found this can eventually lead to a tsunami of emotion when you finally crack and unleash all these unspoken grievances. They become a list of reasons to justify the distance you’ve been creating.
The alternative is to acknowledge what you’re feeling, knowing full well it may have more to do with you than him or her, and in doing so maintain intimacy and trust.
It’s really about being honest with yourself. It’s about recognizing that your mind can play tricks on you sometimes. It’s about realizing that you can be far more rational when you look at your emotions objectively. There may be times when it isn’t all on you–in those situations especially, it’s best to communicate what’s on your mind.
The truth may not always feel polite. It might make you feel vulnerable. It might feel ridiculous to express–which is precisely why it’s so powerful do to it. The best way to free yourself from resentment is to work through it and let it go.
Photo by mhaller1979
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people overcome internal blocks to meeting their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.
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