“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron
We all have stories we tell ourselves about the events in our lives. Many of them are negative: My boyfriend left me because I’m not good enough. I didn’t get that job because people think I’m incompetent. My parents were too hard on me because they don’t really love me.
We often give far more meaning to events than they actually had, allowing them to control us and our actions.
Your stories can either leave you feeling helpless or empowered.
Martin Seligman, who coined the term “positive psychology” suggests that we can learn optimism and change those stories using the ABC model. When an adversity (A) happens, we can identify beliefs (B) and the undesirable consequences (C) they create.
So if your boyfriend left you and you believe it’s because you’re not good enough, that will likely leave you feeling down on yourself, and as a consequence, shut down to joy and people.
The alternative is to dispute that story to create a sense of possibility. Instead of believing that you’re not good enough, you can think, “This one relationship didn’t work out, and I can learn from this, but lots of people love me, just as I am, and many more will in the future if I keep putting myself out there.”
This story won’t completely take away the pain, but it will remind you that it’s temporary–and that you are not helpless.
We never are unless we choose to be.
Photo by kelp1966
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people honor their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.