@nmalb097: Ya, it does sound like it’s in reverse. It is too hard to be these extreme versions of people we think we are supposed to be. In reality they are more like shells.
It feels good for me to be bitter because for once I’m acknowledging those”negative” emotions I have repressed for so long. To me, it feels good to say “my day sucked” if I had a sucky day or visa versa because it’s the truth. I’ve received messages from my family that it’s not ok to have “negative” emotions (aka my parents get really uncomfortable). Also I thought I wasn’t enough just being me (a normal person that feels the rainbow of all emotions) so I put up a front of being the “happy, nice” girl. I watered myself down so other people and my family could feel more comfortable. Right now it feels unnatural to say “this is fun” or “I love this” because I’m afraid I’ve gone back to the person I used to be. Little by little, if something is fun I’m starting to say it or think it. It’s baby steps.
I cringe when I think I used to be like that. All of a sudden I notice many more fake people but also some not fake ones. My family seems content with where they are now. It’s hard for me to accept that. I don’t think I’m projecting, but am questioning my family.
It’s really scary to accept more “negative” emotions and show them (but try not to throw them on my family). It takes a lot of mental work to remain authentic around them because I can feel the triggers and myself slide back into that “happy” girl. It’s getting less. I’ve been in my room a lot of the time which I’m starting to believe is unhealthy. Then again, it acts like a cacoon.
I try to act like myself around them and it’s painful and awkward. My mom keeps asking what’s wrong and that she misses me. That hurt because I’m right here. She misses the daughter who would agree with her and smile. She doesn’t like the person I really am nearly as much as the fake person I was. Then again, who wouldn’t be bummed about someone who used to always agree with them who suddenly doesn’t? haha.
The quote is beautiful and true.
Welcome to the forum:) Your questions and post have helped me think deeper about being authentic. From your post, it sounds like you are an authentic person. Thank you.