Home→Forums→Tough Times→Something In Me Snapped…I Refuse To Be Fake
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Ladybug.
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March 18, 2016 at 9:19 pm #99471
LadybugParticipantFor years I have struggled with being authentic. It felt like I lived a double life. On the outside, I’m agreeable, nice, funny, a good listener… but on the inside I felt miserable. I was that girl who laughed, nodded, and made vague, bubbly, cutesy responses that made me look ditzy. I’m not a genius, but I think I’m intelligent. It’s been a process. Over this year , I have slowly become less and less “ditzy”, and then last week something in me snapped and I can’t be “ditzy” anymore. It’s like my body gave up on it. I can’t tolerate it anymore. It’s like I have to say what I feel, I have to say what I think or just not say anything at all. I feel relieved and terrified at the same time. I have hardly let myself feel “negative” emotions, and now they’re all coming on and there’s a lot of positive ones too. I find myself crying a lot (and I’m a cryer so this says something). It feels really good to say my day sucked or I feel shitty. I feel relieved that I’m not carrying this big weight, but at the same time I fully feel terrified because all of my insecurities are bubbling up. I feel like everyone will leave me now. I’m scared that I’m not good enough. “Ditzy” me attracted so many more people, while real me doesn’t as much. Even with my family, my mom doesn’t pop her head in as much. It’s really sad to me to know that she would probably be trying to bug me and spend time with me if I was the other “happy” “easy going” person instead of real me which is sometimes happy, but other times not. I wouldn’t switch and have promised myself I will never switch back. This must be what normal people who allow themselves to feel whatever they feel be like. I’m not sure. I feel really uncomfortable and am surprised by my reactions to things. Overall I’m way more calmer, more sure about things and myself, and am starting to live more and more in the moment. On the other hand, I feel alone and by myself, easily irritated (I find myself feeling rage when I hear someone say “isn’t this fun?” or “that’s nice”), terrified, and possibly a little depressed. Has anyone else experienced this before? I would love to hear others stories as I feel really alone with mostly fake people around.
March 18, 2016 at 9:41 pm #99475
AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
You made my day, my night, really as it is my bedtime. I am going to read this again tomorrow morning so to make my day tomorrow. This is a powerful, inspirational, the Real Thing and the Real Deal post. This is it! This is the healing path, the being and becoming authentically you. This is it. And please, do not switch back.No more ditzy, never again fake.
And yes, I am still experiencing this, these very days. I am still getting used to not smiling just because I think I should, because I think someone expects me to smile, because if I don’t smile, someone will get offended. I purposefully keep an un-smiling face when someone tells a joke that is not funny. And when I do smile, i ask myself: was that fake?
This has been my very own healing path: to be and become authentically me. It is a process. I always wanted it but I’d say I consistently worked on it in the last five years, since my first good psychotherapy.
i am so happy for you! You are on the right path, I can read it clearly!
so exciting !!!
anita
March 19, 2016 at 9:52 am #99492AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
You wrote that you feel calmer since the switch from fake to authentic. But you also feel terrified. It is the right thing for your mental health to have made the switch and to stick with it. It is scary because change is scary, even good change. If you persist in the new way of being, in spite of the fear and discomfort, you will heal so much and your life will be amazingly better than what it was.
It is this fear and discomfort that makes most people turn around and abandon their own healing.
You wrote: “I feel like everyone will leave me now. I’m scared that I’m not good enough.”
This is what I believe happened: when you were a baby and a young child, you were authentic as young children are. Then, because your natural authenticity was rejected, you took on that fake behavior, so to avoid more rejection.
Now being back to authenticity, the same fear is back.
An after thought: that fear was never really gone when you were fake…Was it?
anita
March 19, 2016 at 1:39 pm #99505LadybugParticipantHi Anita,
I know it’s a good thing. It’s just really hard. For some reason this time I know I can’t go back. Even if I wanted to, my body is rejecting it. I was miserable. I don’t care anymore. I really don’t care. The worst thing that can happen is people leave. And if I have to be fake in order for people to want to hang out with me, I think I will have a way better life being by myself.
Ya, that probably happened; although I can’t remember a specific time. I just received more praise for being the “good girl”, the “good daughter”. It was easy being the innocent, sweet, nice girl or the ditzy, funny girl.
The fear was never gone. My thought process had to do with what do I say to make so-and-so feel good. It was hardly, what do I want to say in reaction to what so-and-so just said.
Of course I made friends fast. Ditzy, fake, people-pleasers are so non-threatening. But these friendships tended to end fast.
These fears have been with me for so long. Might as well face them. I just have to sit with the fears and continue to be myself despite that. Scary, but worth it.March 19, 2016 at 7:30 pm #99524AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
I knew you had it in you when you asserted yourself with me so beautifully a long time ago; had it in you to be your own person. No longer the “good girl” , no longer “the good daughter” but you, independently, courageously you.
I know it is scary, but like you wrote it is worth it. it is already worth it, but it is going to be so much more worth it… it is an amazing journey.
Please do post anytime…!
anita
March 20, 2016 at 6:01 pm #99599
ChristinemarieAParticipantBeing authentic is commendable,
No one likes dizzy or acting immature.
But showing kindness and concern for others
Goes a long way. If a friend is truly
Your friend, they will stick around matter what.March 20, 2016 at 9:08 pm #99640LadybugParticipantThank you Anita:) You have been a big support:)
March 20, 2016 at 9:11 pm #99641LadybugParticipantChristinemarieA,
Thanks:) What you said about friendships and true friends sticking around is true.March 21, 2016 at 6:34 am #99682AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
You are welcome. You sharing your authenticity journey here is helping me with my own! Please do post anytime
anita
March 21, 2016 at 3:44 pm #99754
VesperParticipantLadybug,
Bravo. The road between Pleasantville, where you were living last week, and Authenti-City might seem long and lonely at times. Change is always a bit scary, but no matter what, remind yourself you’re headed in the right direction. I’m so glad to year you say you won’t turn back. Keep focused on your path. Put one foot in front of the other. Remind yourself that everything you need you’re already carrying with you in your heart. Smile. Be at peace with the new you. Love yourself.
You asked if anyone else had this experience. Just recently I too had an epiphany about being authentic in the workplace and, like you I changed almost overnight. I dropped all pretense and lost most of the “friends” I thought I had. In truth I’m feeling a little bit alone as a result, but instinctively I realize I’m better off. I found myself continually having to compromise my principles in order to maintain friendships that were rarely fulfilling for me. I finally made the decision to stop, and while it does feel a bit awkward at times, overall I’m so much happier with myself. I too have vowed to never go back.
The thing is – and I’m taking a guess here based on your comment about your mom “popping her head in” – it sounds like you’re quite a bit younger than I am – that your epiphany came much earlier in life for you. This makes me SO happy for you. Oh how I wish I’d been this brave and authentic at your age. Go conquer the world! You rock! 🙂
March 22, 2016 at 11:20 am #99833LadybugParticipantThanks Vesper. You rock too:) I don’t feel nearly as alone.
March 22, 2016 at 11:27 am #99837LadybugParticipantFor those of you who are or have already made the transition in being authentic, how do you deal with the fakeness? I see it everywhere, amongst family members, at the supermarket… I get easily irritated. The other day at work this woman who I help told me to “smile, you’re on camera.” I felt so annoyed like I would explode. I didn’t smile and looked back at her and then continued with what I was doing or asked her something about work (I don’t remember). I know it was passive aggressive and also I didn’t know how to answer, I just know that I don’t want to smile because everyone is “supposed to”. Anyways, does it get better? I find myself to be bitter a lot (I oddly feel really good feeling like this, but at the same time I don’t want to feel this way forever).
March 22, 2016 at 11:34 am #99838AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
You won’t feel like this forever. This is a promise that is easy for me to make as feelings do change and even if they didn’t, no such thing as Forever. So no way for my promise to be broken…
But I digress.
How do I deal with fakeness? Been avoiding situations where fakeness is practiced. Also, stick to my guns, that is, to not smiling!
anita
March 22, 2016 at 8:48 pm #99877LadybugParticipantI’m glad Anita:)
March 22, 2016 at 9:19 pm #99880AnonymousGuestYou are an inspiration here, Ladybug! The non-smiling Ladybug is a breath of fresh air to me!
anita -
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