Growing up heavily Catholic, guilt is our middle name. It is a familiar spot for me. I have been slowly unveiling that web of guilt and realizing I need to be happy, regardless of who else it impacts. That is a strange notion for me, as I have been always the caretaker of others, denying myself because it was selfish to do otherrwise I thought.. SO, the disruption and noise that will occur, just makes me step back and decide how to proceed. I do have strong conviction of what I need, and who I need, and attempting not to let the theory of the judgmental God stand in my way. It is hard to break the ” They shalt not commit adultery” rule and feel good about it. It is so much more than that, as I have said in the past posts. Again, I can theorize in my head, and have to wait for my heart to catch up to it. I have been stronger and this weekend will either blow up this complacent life, (someone instigating doubts about my “work trip” to my husband) or I will go back home and figure it out, as to how to leave, without it killing me financially or emotionally. I also am experiencing the busiest time of my work life, so trying to stay focused until I can handle the disruption and noise. That job has allowed me to finance my life as I know it, and it is specialized and would hate to lose it due to my lack of focus or ability to be dependable at work, at least til the busy time is over in May.
The right thing for me to do, will destroy others, but I cant please everyone and then slowly die inside. That would be a wasted life! I have to face the hardship, as no one can do it for me. I am aware and bracing myself for the s…storm to come. R-1 remains calm and supportive, without demanding a resolution now. He loves me deeply and wants to support me in any way possible, as I face the dragon! So looking forward to seeing my love and talking this through face to face and skin to skin this weekend and affirming our relationship and all the what if’s as we move forward.