Dear xaas:

In the post before last you wrote: “what would drive someone to accept that violence, and not react to get relive from justice..? I think you mean, why did that kid take your attack on him without defending himself, without fighting back, without telling anyone..I think that kid accepted your violence because he was used to it: his father or mother, someone in his life when he was younger and maybe still at that time, someone was violent with him before you. That someone, a parent probably, maybe an older sibling, was bigger and stronger than him. It was someone he was dependent on for food and shelter, so he couldn’t defend himself. When you attacked him, he was already used to not reacting. He didn’t tell anyone because, I am guessing, he didn’t trust anyone.

Abuse is common. Violence is common. It is very sad and real and heart breaking.

In your last post you wrote: “after you get beat… they just want to you recover from it as if nothing happened, they just want to forget this happened, and you have to act natural for them so they can overcome it…”

I never read (and I read a lot) it put this way. Now as when I read your poem yesterday, I notice again that you have a unique way of thinking and stating things, a unique insight I didn’t encounter before.

It is true, very true, and I never thought about it quite like this: they beat you up and then expect you to recover AS IF nothing happened, to forget it happened so that THEY can overcome it. For the abuser it is about the abuser overcoming having done the abuse, and not about the abused overcoming or healing… or being comforted for having been abused.

And “they would get you a gift or money to make you happy…” till the next abuse. No, it is part of the abuse, the gifts. It is part of the abuse, just like the expressed expectation that you forget about it and proceed as if nothing happened.

I didn’t understand parts of your last post starting with: “One weird thought I just go..” If you would like to rewrite this in a clearer way for me, please do.

You wrote that you have been fighting with yourself for decades and will keep fighting, that you cannot be a victim. I support fighting, fighting for yourself and against abuse. This is why I finally ended all contact with my mother. This is why I worked hard to stop abusing others in any way. This is why I learned to be assertive, to stand up for myself (still in process of learning).

When you get beaten, humiliated that way, it hurts so much and the anger burns inside. In relationship with the abuser while being beaten, there are two positions: one position is the powerful one, the one doing the beating. The other position is the weak one, the one receiving the beating. For many, in future relationships these are still the only two options, so many who have been abused choose the Powerful Position, being aggressive, harming others. Other people choose the Passive Position, allowing others to harm them.

This is why so many pass on the abuse. They don’t see the third option, or don’t care to consider it. The third option as an adult (as children we don’t have that third option) is to be assertive, to not engage with abusers, to fight when attacked, to stand up to yourself.

So when you wrote you will continue to fight and not be a victim, I hope you mean fight to be assertive, the third option. It is the healthy option. Being passive hurts yourself, being aggressive hurts others and yourself. Being assertive is power, real power exercised responsibly.

Again, I am very glad you posted and hope to keep this thread alive and ongoing!

anita