Hi Anita,

I really cannot remember when I mentioned that point, of accepting the abuse, intentionally ar I was an unconscious question that came out, and I needed an answer to, which is resembling this scenario, I was in 4th grade, and here in our country we study religion at school, an since majority are Muslims and Christians are minority, the Christian kids were usually picked up with a creation teatcher to teach them about Christianity, I used to wonder how these kids felt in that walk of shame, how are you forced to be kicked out of your class coz you are a minorty, and by the way we recently had an Arabic movie that addressed this issue, it is a great movie and it felt great that someone thougt about and act upon it! Any ways, Our school during that period had an issue of space, and there were a room at the end of our 4th grade class, that was originally used as a storage area for furniture, and most of the Christians were been brought to that room, and I see the walk of shame of coming in, so that day bothe thatchers were late, our 4th grader and the Christians teacher, I heard a fuss at the end of the class, and when I went there I sow a cople of kids from my class standing by the door and the Christian kids inside the room, and between them a pile of school bags and they were playing war, it sounded fun then, but actually thinking about it now it feels very racist not the kids action but the idea of a group of Muslim kids playing war against a group of Christian kids, I was just watching them smiling, one kid inside the room had this pice of wood shaped like a machine gun, and I was just crazy how he came out with that idea, and this is just me being crafty as usual, I used to build some of my toys, he used a part of a broken kindergarten chair, I just felt like needing a that toy, so I waited till recess and when the class room was clear, I went in that room looking for a similar pice of wood, but I could not find any where, so me being crafty I decided to used one of the chairs piled up in that room like trash to make one, and just when I took a chair and placed it in the middle of the room and while I was kicking the leg of I heard a scream that relent me speechless, just this face full of makeup with a big mouth opening and screaming the most negative things you can say to a child, he just psychologically analyzed me in that single moment, she did not ask, or question, she was just stating all the psychological disdvantages you can describe a kid with, and she just slapped me on the face, surely I screamed, and cried but I just can not remember what happened next, am sitting with this since teacher, who by the way called her kid she was pergranent with at the moment after my name, I used to like her before that day, she was marking some note books, and started ask me about home, my mom my dad, he was abroad at the period, and just when it sad that it was as if she found a treasure, that’s the reason you ar acting strange, she did not even ask my why I did that, no body did, so they gave me a parental notice to bring my mom to school tomorrow, when I went home I came to my moms room and she was facing the wardrobe and I came from behind, I said mom and gave her the mathematics note book, we had a quiz that day and I had a full mark and a star, she greated me and gave me back the note book, I then Said mom again and gave her the notice, she asked me what’s that, I told her I do not know. The next day at school, by the he’d master door, I was sanding, inside my mom and some teachers, I heard mumbling and she cameout with victory face and only one question, why did not you tell me that teacher hit you? I said I do not know, that what I used to say when I was afraid, I learned it was better to ack dump than to bare the consequences, and that’s it, I never knew what happened in that room, and know I realize that I did not tell my mom that I was hit by that sister coz I was just afraid that this would get me more trouble, we learned that when we get hit that we did a terrible shameful thing to deserve it and even my mom did not ask me what actually happened, no body knows that I was just making a toy gun to play like others!

That’s why usually an abuser does not have a memory of abusing someone decades before, they Supress thy memory so hard than it becomes repressed, or just they can not countioanly associate it, specially in prenatal sexual abuse, thy just cannot handle the thought that they can not believe it happened, I watched once a parent on TV crying when his doughters said that he sexually abused her, the man just said I do not know, I cannot say I did it or not, and when the reporter asked him do you think you doughters said that out of revenge or to cover a premarital sex, he said my daughter won’t do that, it is a self defense mechanism and could b related to dissociative disorders, am not an expert yet :p

It’s some thing like you have this big Clint meeting tom, and you stay up preparing your presentation, and if you know that client in a way, you can expect what would be his questions and and preparing for them, for me when something is controlling most of m thoughts, and it is related to some one, i just imagin us having that conversation, in different scenarios and expect their responses. So know see your self as the client, and you have this company pitching you their new ideas, and this is the 5th meeting with a company with the same pitch, I that client had the same expands with the 5th company which was the same as the last 4, and hen he asked the questions that drove him to ignore that 4 old companies, and came out with the same answers that he did no like before, he would get frustrated, and might not consider the project as a whole, it is just so frustration than when you expect some one to answer you negatively and he really does?!

I did not mean fighting the abuse, I meant an internal fight, I have made some great stuff and I destroyed them, I had jobs that I wanted but could not keep, due to depression, see, I have changed four totally carriers, each took at least couple of years, I have held 5 jobs that I have reached high level in each of, and left due to depression, I was engaged three times and also each at least he’ll a couple of years, it is not that I regret it, not at all, it is just watching what you have been building something for a while and watch it disappear in front your eyes, and restart all over again from scratch in a deferent Carrier was very hard, and not that I regret it, I can say I now about event organization, international trade, medical equipment, IT, and quality control. Which I guess no one with less than 12 years experience can say that, and I had some long off periods in between coz I felt I need to, or to,depressed to work! You tell me whch kind is this?

Regarding abuse, I guess I was assertive about since I was in second or third grade, I was just then that I have strictly refused any of my parents help with my studies, I just said I do not need your help any more, it might have been that their abusive attitude could have affected my learning, and I just can not learn something without enjoying it, I used to here this one tape over and over again for one whole year during high school, I had trouble to concentrate, so i needed a familiar voice saying the words that I have memorized by heart, to be able to concentrate. I have a lot of examinations and experiments with concentration!

I said I need to fight to not view my self as a victim, if your consider your self a victim of someone or something you will have all the reasonable and logic views for doing nothing the rest of your life from that prospective.
But seeing your self as a suvivor, empowers you to challenge your self more, to do more great stuff.

Am the one who is glad that you have lightened such a tough night, see, I did not sleep since yesterday, am used to sleep deprevetion, actually I used it some times as an approach against depression, and it is a scientific approach but yet debatable.

So thank you, Cya,