Dear eris:

I am glad you shared here and so soon. I would like to continue this, very much so. Like you, this is my first time too: normally I am afraid to share about my mother/ myself, details,that is for fear of my reality denied, my perceptions criticized. Oh, how it hurt every time it was done. So I stay away from inviting that into my life. I am thinking you will not do that. Of course, this is a public forum and anyone can jump in here and criticize me or you and defend our mothers! There is also some chance, in my mind, that you will criticize something, even a small part of my perception of reality. It is scary.

But what is scary is also often enough an opportunity to heal. You and I may be up to something significant here.

One point regarding those who criticize: I thought they were the fortunate “normal” people with good mothers (if not good parents) and I was the unfortunate exception. It is only recently that I learned that abuse is way, way more common than I thought and many if not most of the “fortunate ones” are simply choosing to see what they want to see in their own childhood, encouraging others to see things their way, that is to filter reality and keep out what is distressing to see.

No one is more invested in seeing their parents as loving and their childhood as good- regardless of reality- then children. And then children carry on this investment into their adulthood and discourage realistic viewing in others, like in you and me.

I can very much relate to you being scared of the boss criticizing you. It is only very recently that I am less afraid every time almost that someone just looks at me, sighs, hesitates. “What is next?” “What terrible thing is about to happen?” were and less so, still are my automatic thoughts.

Let’s continue, as long as you are willing. I believe I have a full understanding of your fear and reluctance to share about your experience with your mother because I share it, and it has been intense for me. So I know I will not hurt you that way.

anita