Dear anita
Following on from what you said yesterday, today I have been thinking about Anger. Anger is a very strange thing, at least it is in my life. I get angry about so many things. I just have to think about the word and my jaws clench and my shoulders rise. If I rethink all of the reasons I have to actually be angry with the world I get even more wound up. Soooo much energy goes into such a (mostly) pointless feeling. There is no point in my being angry with my mother, she would not then, and now never can, admit that she was wrong to treat me like she did. So now I feel angry with myself for holding on to the anger for so long. Oh dear, that is NOT an improvement!
Except the anger with myself is brief because I can see how ridiculous it is to blame myself for this feeling. I can unclench my jaw, lower my shoulders, take a deep breath and remind myself that to blame myself or others is pointless. It may be justified, but it is still pointless. Time and patience…. and breathe …. take the time to exercise the patience, examine the painful feeling without feeling the pain, and a beautiful calm follows. My calm may last only a few moments, because it is not a natural state for me, but it is something to work on. Calm is so much nicer than anger, why would I not want to get rid of anger and replace it with calm.
So now I’ve decided that this is not about my mother any more. She was what she was and she did what she did. I don’t need to carry that on my back any longer. She has no power over, unless I choose to give it to her. This is about me and how I
get on with my life.
Another long post, I’m afraid, but I feel so much better for getting this written down. I can’t thank you enough for giving me the space to share this.
Today was a good day.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 