Dear dogbat:

When you built the anger inside, understandably (as I would as well, in your situation), that anger, like any intense emotion, creates a fog that stands in your way to see clearly. In this case the fog makes it difficult for you to see where and what to accept and what to reject and when to assert yourself. But it is possible for you to clear that fog, when calm, and if you’d like through our correspondence, over time.

Pent up anger and frustration of three years is not going to dissipate and disappear in an instance, or in one day. But the beginning of the process of seeing clearly has already started and you are on your way!

You can start listing the different behaviors that bother you on your mother in law’s end, one by one, put it aside so to get calm and get back to it later, deciding which to accept, which to reject and how.

For example, her mentioning the race of each person, my goodness, what can possibly be done about that, I am wondering as I type. I know that kind of talk, I heard it. What can you do… sure you can say: “Why do you have to mention the race? Why not just say a name?” You can say this, calmly and see how she responds. Why not, as long as you say so calmly, as in trying to understand her thinking on this (if there is thinking, it is probably automatic, what she heard, what she says). But who knows, maybe you will make her think.

Let’s keep corresponding, over days and weeks, or longer. No way to solve this three years problems in one day.

anita