Dear Rita:

The job well done that I congratulated you for is that your husband moved out this morning and you made it happen!

Of course it doesn’t feel good and if it did feel good, the good feeling wouldn’t have lasted because there is so much work to do. But it certainly an excellent first step.

There are all kinds of discomfort: there is the discomfort of living with an abusive man, being trapped in a bad relationship, watching your son gets hurt, and there is the discomfort of living alone and having to tell your son about his father’s move as well as help him through the process while you need comfort as well.

Your husband moved out, if only that felt wonderful and “problem solves”- but you are on your way to problem solved, one step at a time. When I wrote “be strong” I meant that indeed there is more to do, lots more. So relax best you can into the new situation and be prepared for the long road in front of you. Be kind and gentle with yourself and with your son. One step at a time.

If you expect all to be well fast, such an expectation will bring you and your son harm. It is and will be slow but incredible progress and improvement in your life will happen, over time.

Tell your son his father moved out because he was abusive (tell him/ remind him specifically how) and that you are protecting him and you from his abuse. And ask and listen to his feelings and thoughts. When he asks something and you don’t have the answer, tell him you don’t and that you will think about the answer and get back to him later. You are welcome of course, to post here for my input. When you feel overwhelmed, when talking with your son, tell him honestly you are overwhelmed and need time to take this in. Let him know you love him, be it with a smile, a gesture.

Don’t cry and fall apart in front of him. He needs to see a strong mother. But don’t fake a smile or pretend to be happy. Express your distress to him in such a way that it will not overwhelm him, so he knows you are having a difficult time but you are able and will be able to handle it.

Post anytime!

anita