Dear Rita:

Yes, you are doing the right thing divorcing this man: you are doing the right thing by your son. Your son needs to be protected from his father’s violence, physical and/ or verbal, toward you and toward himself. Your son needs not witness his father abuse you and he needs not be a direct victim. It was never right for your son to be victimized that way. It was not right for your husband to victimize an innocent child and it was not right for you to not protect your son from his father.

Time to do the right thing by your son. Attend to your son, to his emotional state- comfort him and guide him through the process of divorce so he is aware and can learn to assert himself, to protect himself in the future from all kinds of abuses.

If you continue to allow this abuse, you will continue to teach your son to accept abuse in his own life and you will not be teaching him how to effectively assert himself.

And then, of course, you will be doing the right thing by you, yourself. I understand that part of your husband is hurt and afraid from issues of long ago, in his own childhood, and you probably see his hurt and fear and desperation at times, and you may feel empathy for him, but remember at those times where your loyalty should be: with your son, with making it so that your son will not suffer as your husband suffers now. See, if you do the right thing by you and by your son, you will make life better for your son and you.

If you stay with your husband, you will NOT improve your husband and you will continue to damage your son and you.

May courage and strength be with you, and please… do post again. I would like to be there for you as you go through the difficult process of separation and divorce from that man.

anita

Dear Rita,

Everyone above gave wonderful, affirming input. I have one thing to add. You deserve to be treated with love, devotion, kindness, respect and reciprocity. This man has done the opposite. I believe you can have a wonderful furture for you and your son, when you put an end to his torment of you. You will overcome what this did to you.

Much love and hugs to you,

Aingeal

Dear Rita:

You are doing the right thing. Be strong. I understand you being afraid and having doubts, but in reality you are doing the right thing. The mean things he tells you are mean and cruel. Living with a mean and cruel man is so very wrong, for you and for your child. His meanness and cruelty are great especially knowing you don’t have friends in the area.

You feel that you are the bad person, but in reality, it is he who is the bad person. Every time you feel that you are the bad person, please think of it as your insane belief, as in having no validity in reality.

When he tells you the mean things he does, his intent is to make you feel that you are the bad person and so, he intends, your doubts will make you obey him.

If I was in your place, I will do anything it takes to no longer live with him. Whatever it takes, short of anything criminal that will put you in prison. Of course, if you stay with him, that will be prison.

So freedom is a worthy pursuit, freedom from abuse.

Do not give in to his attempts, do not show him his manipulation works because then he will do more and more of what he is doing. Be as calm as you can be, aware of what is happening, resolute, not changing your mind.

I don’t know the country you are in, or the area, but if it takes going to a hotel, if you have the money, do that. If you don’t have the money, go to a police station or any kind of shelter until he moves out, I would definitely take my son and a few things and go there, be elsewhere until he leaves.

Please post anytime.

anita

Dear Rita:

Congratulations! Job well done.

Regarding telling your son’s guidance counselor, I would ask your son if (in addition to talking with you, and he will need a lot of your attention, comforting, mirroring and validating his feelings, all of his feelings) he wants to talk to his guidance counselor.

If your son is familiar with the counselor, he may have a feeling for or against talking to the counselor and as all of your son’s feelings should be listened to, this is one of those feelings. You send your son the message that what he feels, what he wants, what he prefers matter to you a lot, and this is why you are asking him.

It could be that the counselor is competent and it could be that he/she is not. So if your son doesn’t have a definite reluctance to talk to that particular counselor, I would meet the counselor myself before my son does, so to learn what kind of service… or disservice he/she can provide your son.

Please post anytime during this sensitive time. I will reply to you every time and will be glad to. Again, my hat is off to you.

Stay strong.

anita

Dear Rita:

The job well done that I congratulated you for is that your husband moved out this morning and you made it happen!

Of course it doesn’t feel good and if it did feel good, the good feeling wouldn’t have lasted because there is so much work to do. But it certainly an excellent first step.

There are all kinds of discomfort: there is the discomfort of living with an abusive man, being trapped in a bad relationship, watching your son gets hurt, and there is the discomfort of living alone and having to tell your son about his father’s move as well as help him through the process while you need comfort as well.

Your husband moved out, if only that felt wonderful and “problem solves”- but you are on your way to problem solved, one step at a time. When I wrote “be strong” I meant that indeed there is more to do, lots more. So relax best you can into the new situation and be prepared for the long road in front of you. Be kind and gentle with yourself and with your son. One step at a time.

If you expect all to be well fast, such an expectation will bring you and your son harm. It is and will be slow but incredible progress and improvement in your life will happen, over time.

Tell your son his father moved out because he was abusive (tell him/ remind him specifically how) and that you are protecting him and you from his abuse. And ask and listen to his feelings and thoughts. When he asks something and you don’t have the answer, tell him you don’t and that you will think about the answer and get back to him later. You are welcome of course, to post here for my input. When you feel overwhelmed, when talking with your son, tell him honestly you are overwhelmed and need time to take this in. Let him know you love him, be it with a smile, a gesture.

Don’t cry and fall apart in front of him. He needs to see a strong mother. But don’t fake a smile or pretend to be happy. Express your distress to him in such a way that it will not overwhelm him, so he knows you are having a difficult time but you are able and will be able to handle it.

Post anytime!

anita