Need help – abusive relationship

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    I just want to give an update. Also, wondering how to deal with doubt and fear that i’m facing now?

    So, my husband moved out last week finally. I was so relieved for the first two days, my nervous system was calming and was happy to take on life. Then I told my son that dad is not coming back (he thought he was on a business trip), he has moved to a condo and we have decided to be separate for 6 months or so. His initial response was – I love dad but i don’t like his presence. His presence adds so much stress. I was relieved and I enjoyed the weekend with him.
    But my son seems to be angrier here and there, I’m trying to understand him and later on saying that I understand it’s difficult for you. he comes around but again goes back and forth. He looks sad, angry and sometimes happy and relaxed.

    It’s VERY difficult for me to see my son being sad and angry, i feel like he feels that his dad has abandoned him and it’s heartbreaking to see that.

    This morning i am questioning my decision –
    – was it needed?
    – why i am making my son go through this much pain? I know I haven’t made my decision out of nowhere, but i’m questioning did i give up so easily? Why am I so sensitive – can’t i be strong enough so that i can ignore his insults, bad mood etc?

    There is noway i can go back to that life but from the last 2 months my husband was begging to not take this action and try couples therapy third time as he said he wants to change and i still did make this decision – so having lot of self-doubts?

    Please help..


    Dear Rita:

    I re-read all your posts on this thread and the last one. I am glad you are back here!

    I would like to try and help you with your self doubt and confusion at this time by pointing out the following:

    Your son’s sadness, anger, difficulties is a result of the abusive behavior of his father. The cause of your son’s distress is his father’s abusive behavior toward you (and by extension toward his own son). The cause of your son’s distress is not your decision to end the abusive marriage. In your confusion, you mixed cause and effect, and so you are thinking something like that:

    If I eliminate my solution to the abuse (protecting you and your son from abuse), then the consequences of the abuse done will be gone. In reality, you will be inviting back into your life, and your son’s life MORE abuse and preventing healing.

    The solution should be: keep the father away, living separately. And now there is healing to be done, for you and for your son. Having the man move out (finally!) is making the beginning of healing possible.

    If you have the man back, your son may be relieved for a short time, but his distress will continue to compound into severe mental health problems. If you keep the man out, this distress you see in your son needs to be attended to, healed. Your son needs time to adjust to the new living circumstances. Give him the opportunity to adjust by keeping the situation as is, separate living.

    Living with your husband is like living with a predator, one that bites you and your son, making both of you bleed (emotionally). The predator just left, finally, and you see your son is bleeding still from the injuries inflicted by the predator while you didn’t protect your son. The solution is not to invite the predator back in for more biting, more inuries, more blood.

    If you invite him back, you will be putting a bandaid on a small cut suffered by your son, while the heavy duty cuts on his skin will continue to bleed profusely, more bites, more injuries.


    Rose Tattoo

    Your son will be fine, and by leaving this man, you are sending your son the message that strong women walk away from abuse. My mom left my abusive dad when I was 15, and I was SO proud of her. It was the best decision ever for the family. My dad got help and now we all get along and he’s a good father and grandfather to his niece and nephew. Don’t let your husband’s sadness or protestations stop you. You know what kind of man he is, and you know he will go back to being abusive. That pattern (abuse and then feeling regretful) is very, very common. Who knows, if you do leave, maybe he will come to understand that he needs to do work on himself, and then maybe eventually you will be a family again. It happened with my family. Though my parents never got back together, they get along better now than they probably ever have. And I thank my mom for being brave enough to leave him and my dad for realizing he had a problem he needed to fix. Good luck and stay strong! You are doing the right thing.

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