Hi Anita,

You’re exactly right in that I feel that maintaining a friendship with him is a way to stay close to him and continue to reap the benefits of his company. He already deeply hurt me when he told me that he all of a sudden realized that he loved his girlfriend after leading me to believe that we had a future together at some point. I’m not afraid of the danger or the risk of getting hurt by him and would welcome the chance to have an actual relationship but we somehow have backslid and I know that isn’t the offer at this point. Eventually I will want to be involved in a relationship and I will get frustrated when/if it doesn’t happen. In the past, in a similar situation, I recognized that feeling and was able to walk away for a while to get my wits about me. I think that would be what I’d do in this situation as well, when it came to that point. He’s very special to me and I would be willing to take that chance to keep him around.

When we talk, he doesn’t talk about her much. The most he has said was that she depended on him, that they weren’t on the same page in life, that she was pretty and sweet but they didn’t really have anything substantial to talk about. He has said that she judges him and he feels like he can’t be himself with her, that she doesn’t help out much, she spends money frivolously. He enjoys hearing about my life, struggles, and adventures and has commented that it is nice to talk to someone with so many different experiences. Since she is so young (23 is her actual age) she doesn’t have anything like this to share yet. He has asked my opinion on things and based some important decisions on advice I’ve given him because he felt his girlfriend didn’t listen and fully try to understand his position. He felt that she just got upset because what he wanted to do wasn’t what she wanted him to do, whereas I had listened and asked him questions to get a better perspective of his situation, realized that what he was asking was important to him, and gave him advise based on that instead of my personal feelings or what I wanted him to do.

I haven’t ever actually asked him what the draw is though, why he all of a sudden loves her or chooses to be in a relationship with her. I have wondered but didn’t feel it was appropriate for me to ask, and because I didn’t want to hear the answer that he loved her. He hadn’t ever told me he loved her before a week ago, so it was a shock but now that I know, I suppose I could broach the subject with him. Up to now, I’ve tried to remain neutral on the subject of his relationship. I don’t support him when he talks about her and I don’t really ask questions, but I’ll make comments. For example when he says that she is judgmental and isn’t accepting of him, I might comment that it must make the relationship difficult. As we got to know each other more, and had more in common, I had just hoped that would be enough to see that he could have what he wanted and deserved out of a relationship. I didn’t want to have to say it plainly, I just wanted him to see that I was valuable too, and a good choice for a partner for him as we are so compatible.

Over the last few days, I have wondered if he really does love her or if he just feels guilty for having feelings for someone else when she is so young and dependent on him. She lives with him expense-free, she drives his car, she uses his accounts for food and bills. She works, but only a little bit and goes to college full-time. I suppose if I really want to know I should just ask.