Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I appreciate the time you took to read and reply.

What you say about him being the shining light in my romantic darkness is spot on. I just had hoped that I could provide for him whatever he was lacking emotionally in the relationship with his girlfriend so that I could hopefully be his light too. At least at this point it’s not to be but would you think I should keep in touch with him as friends? Even though romantically he isn’t a prospect, I value his company and opinion. I just don’t want to cause problems for him. He doesn’t think it will be so my inclination is to continue being friendly but I wonder what you think.

As for the shyness, it actually originated at school. The large groups of loud kids was intimidating and frightening so I was very withdrawn at school at a young age. The other kids were so outgoing and gregarious I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough. My immediate family (parents and brother) were always supportive and loving. I had several friends in the neighborhood that I played with daily but theyou attended different schools or were in different grades than I was so I didn’t see them until after school. Consequently I was happy with those few friends and so didn’t really try too hard to fit in at school. They moved the summer before 5th grade and that was when I started making friends at school. The reason I hid from my extended family was that they were all so outgoing I was afraid and intimidated by their big personalities.

You said that you thought the fact that he had a 20-something year old girlfriend was meaningful. Can you get into that a bit? I thought it was interesting too but that’s because I have a difficult time relating to people so much younger. I struggle to understand what keeps them together, except that he’s someone who enjoys being the provider and she depends on him heavily. What does having such a younger partner suggest in your mind?

I do have some healing I need to do, as so many of us do, but I struggle with where to begin. I enjoy my quiet life with my kids, family, and a few close friends. I’m happy with my job and my home, and I know I’m a good catch for the right personow but I’m shaken to the core in situations like this. I really find myself challenged to keep my feet underneath me and not get swept up in the negative undercurrents of my own mind.

Hi Anita,

You’re exactly right in that I feel that maintaining a friendship with him is a way to stay close to him and continue to reap the benefits of his company. He already deeply hurt me when he told me that he all of a sudden realized that he loved his girlfriend after leading me to believe that we had a future together at some point. I’m not afraid of the danger or the risk of getting hurt by him and would welcome the chance to have an actual relationship but we somehow have backslid and I know that isn’t the offer at this point. Eventually I will want to be involved in a relationship and I will get frustrated when/if it doesn’t happen. In the past, in a similar situation, I recognized that feeling and was able to walk away for a while to get my wits about me. I think that would be what I’d do in this situation as well, when it came to that point. He’s very special to me and I would be willing to take that chance to keep him around.

When we talk, he doesn’t talk about her much. The most he has said was that she depended on him, that they weren’t on the same page in life, that she was pretty and sweet but they didn’t really have anything substantial to talk about. He has said that she judges him and he feels like he can’t be himself with her, that she doesn’t help out much, she spends money frivolously. He enjoys hearing about my life, struggles, and adventures and has commented that it is nice to talk to someone with so many different experiences. Since she is so young (23 is her actual age) she doesn’t have anything like this to share yet. He has asked my opinion on things and based some important decisions on advice I’ve given him because he felt his girlfriend didn’t listen and fully try to understand his position. He felt that she just got upset because what he wanted to do wasn’t what she wanted him to do, whereas I had listened and asked him questions to get a better perspective of his situation, realized that what he was asking was important to him, and gave him advise based on that instead of my personal feelings or what I wanted him to do.

I haven’t ever actually asked him what the draw is though, why he all of a sudden loves her or chooses to be in a relationship with her. I have wondered but didn’t feel it was appropriate for me to ask, and because I didn’t want to hear the answer that he loved her. He hadn’t ever told me he loved her before a week ago, so it was a shock but now that I know, I suppose I could broach the subject with him. Up to now, I’ve tried to remain neutral on the subject of his relationship. I don’t support him when he talks about her and I don’t really ask questions, but I’ll make comments. For example when he says that she is judgmental and isn’t accepting of him, I might comment that it must make the relationship difficult. As we got to know each other more, and had more in common, I had just hoped that would be enough to see that he could have what he wanted and deserved out of a relationship. I didn’t want to have to say it plainly, I just wanted him to see that I was valuable too, and a good choice for a partner for him as we are so compatible.

Over the last few days, I have wondered if he really does love her or if he just feels guilty for having feelings for someone else when she is so young and dependent on him. She lives with him expense-free, she drives his car, she uses his accounts for food and bills. She works, but only a little bit and goes to college full-time. I suppose if I really want to know I should just ask.

Hi Anita,

I tend to agree with your evaluation of his current relationship – she’s going to end up ahead and he will be the one losing something, whether it’s money or resources or possibly something emotionally. I wouldn’t want to be in the type of relationship he is in now. I also tend to agree with your evaluation of my thinking, with one key exception: I want him to see how compatible we are without having to hear about his current relationship problems. We’ve had many, many long discussions about our lives and how we fit into each other’s lives, what we want, what we hope for, all kinds of things like that and we have much in common. These discussions are the main reason for feeling so let down when he revealed that he loved his girlfriend last week.

I feel like we know each other well, but I like your idea of getting to know more about who he is and what motivates him, especially in regards to who he chooses to be in a relationship with. I’ll figure out a way to ask the questions I feel I need to ask in as gentle and respectful a way as possible. I’m not sure I understand how he views our friendship right now and I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, so I’ll work on understanding that first and take my time getting to the more difficult questions.

That is also a great perspective and I hadn’t considered that as a cycle…that he unloads his stresses about his girlfriend or relationship by talking to me, then feels refreshed and continues on with her in the same way he always has. I am, in a way, contributing to his potentially unhealthy relationship (when that is the opposite of what I mean to do) just by being supportive and understanding. I want him to understand how valuable he is as a person, and how worthy he is of the love and support he deserves in a relationship. By being his shoulder to cry on I may be perpetuating a damaging cycle for him whereby he comes to think that the way his current relationship works is normal and healthy when I don’t think that it is.

Thank you again Anita, for all of your insight and advice. As things unfold I will post more and look forward to hearing your point of view.