Hi Anita,

I tend to agree with your evaluation of his current relationship – she’s going to end up ahead and he will be the one losing something, whether it’s money or resources or possibly something emotionally. I wouldn’t want to be in the type of relationship he is in now. I also tend to agree with your evaluation of my thinking, with one key exception: I want him to see how compatible we are without having to hear about his current relationship problems. We’ve had many, many long discussions about our lives and how we fit into each other’s lives, what we want, what we hope for, all kinds of things like that and we have much in common. These discussions are the main reason for feeling so let down when he revealed that he loved his girlfriend last week.

I feel like we know each other well, but I like your idea of getting to know more about who he is and what motivates him, especially in regards to who he chooses to be in a relationship with. I’ll figure out a way to ask the questions I feel I need to ask in as gentle and respectful a way as possible. I’m not sure I understand how he views our friendship right now and I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, so I’ll work on understanding that first and take my time getting to the more difficult questions.

That is also a great perspective and I hadn’t considered that as a cycle…that he unloads his stresses about his girlfriend or relationship by talking to me, then feels refreshed and continues on with her in the same way he always has. I am, in a way, contributing to his potentially unhealthy relationship (when that is the opposite of what I mean to do) just by being supportive and understanding. I want him to understand how valuable he is as a person, and how worthy he is of the love and support he deserves in a relationship. By being his shoulder to cry on I may be perpetuating a damaging cycle for him whereby he comes to think that the way his current relationship works is normal and healthy when I don’t think that it is.

Thank you again Anita, for all of your insight and advice. As things unfold I will post more and look forward to hearing your point of view.