Dear Rainbowmystica,

Wow, I can relate so much to your post and the title.
In the title you write that you hate yourself for being happy, and when I read your post, I wonder, are you happy? Because you are hiding so much to others, it seems that you have difficulty accepting yourself as you are, or you are doing a lot of effort to make a good impression on others, to gain their approval or acceptance. Do you feel that you are happy? Sorry if I ask this very directly, it is a question that came up in my mind, so I was wondering how you feel about that.

You are hiding yourself, or parts of yourself, like you say yourself, to seem more relatable to others. But you don’t become more relatable to others, because you are not fully there in the contact, and you are always focussing at least a part of your attention on how you come across, how they might perceive you, what they might think of you. And you get more distanced from yourself over time, because you focus so much on how to come across on others. I don’t know if you relate to that, that is how I feel anyway.

Do you accept yourself, that you are a lesbian, or with the things that you are still hiding? Do you really feel that you are ok, just the way you are, no matter what it is, even if some things are different than the ‘norm’, or the ‘average population’? Or is there some feeling in you, that you need the approval of others in order to feel good about yourself? That it is risky to show yourself as you are because they might reject you?

You say you are angry with your mum, but maybe more angry with yourself.
Could it help to start looking at it in a different way. Why being angry? Why not look at yourself, and your mum, with understanding. There were reasons why you were hiding until now. Could you look at yourself, with compassion, and be nice to yourself. First of all, you did come out now, and it was obvious a difficult thing, so that is really brave, you can be proud of yourself for that. You could still be waiting now to come out, but you did. The fact that you waited until now, meant that you were only ready now, for whatever reason. Being angry with yourself is not going to help you to accept yourself, and to feel better inside of yourself. Looking at yourself with kindness, is, in my opinion (but who am I to know anything 😉 ) the only way to come to real authenticity and honesty.

Take care, and well done for writing your first forumpost about it. That was a good step in opening up towards other people, probably in an easier way than in real life with people you know.